A couple days ago I went to the dentist.
I don’t want to brag or anything, but my dentist is kinda sorta high-tech. They’ll let you listen to customized Pandora stations while they drill at your mouth, or you can watch movies on their flat screen TV that lowers above your head. The only thing missing is a cleaning robot named Rosie, but I’m convinced she is busy tidying elsewhere every time I come in.
Anywho, so while I was there, this awful music was playing the entire time. Like one of those generic “easy listening” stations, except worse. The station had nary a “poppy” or upbeat song and instead, infiltrated the room with sad abused-animal-commercial/funeral music.
Ahem SarahMcLachlan, I’mlookingatyou.
At first I thought that maybe “In the Arms of An Angel” had mistakenly made its way into the easy listening rotation and soon, images of homeless kittens would exit my mind. But no. The office continued to blast really sappy, really miserable songs over the radio like the 90s were going out of style, oh wait…
Suddenly, I felt like I was in the middle of a funeral. Sarah’s melodic, tortured croon wafted throughout the room and I envisioned my dentist standing in the corner, eyes solemn, head down, as he gently whispered, “I’m sorry. He didn’t make it.”
The RDA would wheel out a little cart where a lone, cold, dead tooth would sit on a tray, a napkin haphazardly covering it so I could still steal one last glimpse of his lifelessness. That poor tooth — it had so much potential — but you ate so much damn sugar that you killed it. You senselessly killed your own tooth, you vile murderer.
In your head, a tortured montage will play as you remember all the times you were too lazy to brush, too cool to floss, and just let that poor little tooth rot to death in a lonely hole in your jaw. What did he ever do to you? He only CHEWED THE FOOD YOU ATE, you heartless monster. And now.. now he’s dead. In the arms of an angel. Presumably the tooth fairy, or the trashcan, as I don’t think I could milk my parents with the tooth fairy storyline again and the dentist would probably be weirded out if a grown woman asked for her tooth back.
Then again, it’s just as weird that I have all my baby teeth still, in an old VHS box under my bed, but that’s besides the point.
The point is, while I don’t need heavy metal blasting at my dental appointment, can they lighten up on the lugubrious tunes? Or at least tell me to wear all black and bring one of those veils people wear at funerals? I mean, I was seriously under-dressed for this dismal appointment.
Anywho, after my sad appointment, I wanted something peppy. Something to celebrate the fact that I had teeth and dammit, I’m going to use them. So I stuffed cake-batter flavored cookie dough inside of brownies, then coated them in chocolate. It was the sugariest thing I could think to do, and my teeth thanked me for it.
I love you, teeth.
- ¾ cup butter, softened
- ½ cup brown sugar
- ½ cup white sugar
- 2 Tbsp milk
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- ½ tsp almond extract
- 1 & ¼ cups flour
- 1 & ¼ cups yellow or Funfetti cake mix
- Rainbow sprinkles
- 1 pan (13x9") fudge brownies, baked and cooled according to package directions
- 1 pkg chocolate bark
- ¼ pkg white chocolate bark
- First, make your cookie dough. In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the butter & sugars until creamy. Add the milk & extracts and beat to combine. Add in the flour and cake mix and beat until a soft dough forms. Stir in about 1 cup of sprinkles.
- On a foil-lined baking sheet, roll the cookie dough into approx. 1"-sized balls and place along the sheet. Freeze the cookie dough balls for about 1-2 hours or until firm.
- Cut the pan of brownies into small 1" sized squares. Take a square and gently flatten it with your palm. Place a frozen cookie dough ball in the center of the flattened brownie, then wrap the brownie around the cookie dough ball, sealing any gaps gently with your fingers. You can also roll the brownie bomb in your hand to smooth out any lumps, if needed. Place the brownie-covered cookie dough bombs back on the sheet.
- Prepare your chocolate bark according to instructions. Dip each brownie bomb into the chocolate, allowing excess to drip off. Return to the sheet to harden. Once all the bombs have been dipped in chocolate, melt the white chocolate and drizzle it on top of the bombs. Top immediately with remaining rainbow sprinkles, if desired.
- **Note: You could also use white chocolate to coat the bombs and use milk chocolate to drizzle, if desired. For a more authentic cake batter flavored shell, try adding a tiny splash of almond or vanilla extract to your chocolate, or stir in a small teaspoon of cake mix until blended.**