Have you seen them?
Basically, it shows regular people doing ordinary things when they’re greeted by the most morbid of notes explaining they’re going to have a heart attack tonight or tomorrow. One is of a woman having lunch with her woman friends when the receipt comes. On the bottom, instead of applying that BOGO coupon code, the waitress has kindly written out some omen that this woman is to have a heart attack today. I definitely wouldn’t be tipping that bitch, and that freaky shit would be written in my Yelp review. Just sayin’.
In another, a man walks to his car to find the ominous note tucked under his wiper blades. You’ll have a heart attack tomorrow, it reads. Instead of wondering what kind of sadistic freak would be leaving creepy natural-causes death notes on his Jetta, this dude just heads on home and picks up the convenient bottle of Bayer sitting on the counter next to the flour and takes a handful while smiling. I’m assuming since the Bayer has a regular place on the counter that these freaky notes probably happen frequently. “Awh, crap, babe, I got another heart attack note! Better take the Bayer!”
And then there’s this chick opening her mail with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen someone wear while opening mail. Does she not get bills? Junk mail that flies all over the street while carrying it in the house? Catalogs with 7 foot tall Bigfoot statues in them? Anyway, as she opens an inconspicuously blank yet jolly yellow envelope, her face falls as she’s greeted with a reminder that her heart attack will happen in 2 days. Like, who’s even sending this crap? It sounds like one of those awfully tacky Facebook quizzes you take when you’re bored at work that tell you when you’ll die, or those chainmail emails you used to pass around on AOL Instant Messenger that threatened that if you didn’t send some message to 71 people in the next 42 minutes, you’d die. And how come those fake-threatening messages were always written by dead kids? How do dead kids even access a computer?
So like, say I’m having lunch with my friends and the waitress brings by the check with morbid forewarning of my impending stroke. Liiiike, do I even need to pay my bill? Because stroke bills cost an arm and a leg and in hindsight if I’m going to be dying of a stroke, do I really need this chicken salad sandwich? Or can I get my meal comped for having your waitress be some kind of demonic bearer-of-bad-news? Could she maybe have made a mistake and had meant to drop it off to the table with the decrepit man eating spinach dip with a spoon? Should I bring this up to the management? Excuse me, sir, but I was just minding my own damn business when your grim reaper waitress brought by my check with this freaky message. And could she just be bitter for some reason? Maybe she was having a hellish morning and decided to take it out on an innocent diner by writing some unfortunate tales-from-the-crypt message on the receipt. This message will rock her mind!!! she thinks as she maniacally chuckles.
So many questions for Bayer and their weird psychic/psychotic harbingers of heart attack notes. How do you even apply to be a cardiac-arrest note-passer? Is there some kind of application on Craigslist? Job Duties include: writing terrible, threatening messages to random strangers and stalking said strangers so you can send them jolly yellow envelopes or put the folded notes on their Jettas. Must have decent handwriting because the last thing they want to see before they croak is your chicken scratch handwriting. That sh*t needs to look like calligraphy.
Anyway. If there’s one thing I want to eat before I die, it’s definitely this Maple Caramel Bacon Crack. It’s highly addictive and extremely delicious. Smoky, sweet, crunchy, buttery, chewy — the perfect conglomerate of badassness. And it has only four simple ingredients, all of which you probably have in your pantry right now. It makes for a quick appetizer, a great snack, a delightful dessert, or hell, even an entree — I don’t judge. And you can switch it up to suit your tastes! Add chocolate chips for a pop of sweetness, or add a pinch of red pepper flake for some heat. The world’s your oyster, dude.
But you better make it, or else. Or else.. I’ll leave you foreboding notes in yellow envelopes until you make it.
NOTE: Some people have had trouble with the original use of foil in this recipe. I now recommend you use parchment paper in place of foil or silicone liners.
*slightly adapted by Oh Bite It’s recipe
- 1 lb. bacon
- 1 pkg Pillsbury crescent rolls
- ½ cup maple syrup
- ¾ cup brown sugar
- Preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Line a rimmed baking sheet (like a 15x10) with parchment paper and lightly grease the parchment with cooking spray. NOTE: this recipe was originally made with foil. Since people have had issues with the foil, I recommend using parchment paper. Unroll the crescent rolls into one single plane of dough and pinch any perforations together to seal. Stretch the dough out to fit the size of the pan with your hands so it's even. Prick the dough with a fork all over. Set aside.
- Meanwhile, cook your bacon. I like cooking mine in a skillet, but you can bake it - whichever you prefer. Cook it until it's technically safe enough to eat and just about done, but still lighter in color and not quite crispy. You don't want it fully cooked and crispy as it will continue to cook in the oven. I pulled mine out of the pan right when they were a medium-pink color. Drain the bacon on a paper towel-lined plate.
- Drizzle ¼th cup of the maple syrup over the crescent roll dough. Sprinkle with about ¼th cup of the brown sugar. Top with torn pieces of the cooked bacon. Drizzle the remaining maple syrup on top of the bacon pieces, and top with the remaining brown sugar.
- Bake for approx. 25 minutes or until bubbling and caramelized. Remove from the oven and allow the pan to come to room temperature or warm to the touch before cutting or breaking into pieces. You can serve this at room temperature or slightly warmed. It tastes best the day of, but can be eaten the next day if stored airtight.
When I pulled these out of the oven, I practically had to fight my family off of the pan — and it was still bubbling up and piping hot! The aroma of hot cooked bacon is irresistible, but when it’s baked with buttery crescent rolls, then marinated in an intoxicatingly sweet brown sugar and maple mixture which caramelized every crispy slice, it becomes insanely addictive and hard to stop eating. The bacon gets caramelized and crispy thanks to the maple and brown sugar, and the crescent rolls create an almost bark-like texture — not too crispy, but just the right texture to hold up all that caramel & bacon goodness. And as soon as California allows human and bacon to marry, I’m taking this to the courts. Just sayin’.
Hope you have a delicious day!!