Halloween goes hand-in-hand with creepy things like blood-sucking vampires. But honestly, compared to my worst kiss, being eaten alive by a vampire sounds preferable. Allow me to tell you all the gruesome details…
I was fresh outta high school and hell-bent on the ‘adult’ dating world, which (spoiler alert!) years later, I have yet to enter STILL. I went to a coworker’s little Halloween party dressed up real cute and thought I was super awesome for drinking Mikes Hard Lemonades like they were going out of style.
Then I met her downstairs neighbor/friend. He was cute, with brown hair and brown eyes and a nice smile. He saddled up to me and we began chatting when I wasn’t losing desperately at beer pong. His name–for purposes of protecting his identity, of course–will be renamed to Burrito.
Burrito and I hit it off, or it was probably the fact that I had about 2376845 cups of sugar and alcohol in my bloodstream. Either way, eventually we ended up outside as a group and were chatting. Burrito liked to play fast so he leaned in and gave me a kiss. Everything would have been fine if his mouth didn’t taste like a burrito filled with poop.
I’m not joking. A bean burrito filled with straight-up poop.
I kind of pulled away and gently suggested I should probably pop some gum so I didn’t have ‘lemonade breath.’ He just stood there. I put some gum in and gnashed away at it, hoping the mint would forever wash away the tainted taste of poop. ”Would you like some?” I offered. He shook his head.
“Are you sure? This flavor is so good,” I cooed, hoping he’d take the bait. Instead, he blissfully shook his head.
As he leaned in for another kiss, I could already feel the hurricane of poop breath coming my way. And as he planted one on me, I felt my skin crawl with the smear of poop lips on my face.
Aaaand that is the story of how I almost died by a lethal kiss.
Anywho, with Halloween coming up and vampires and their deadly kisses being a very prominent aspect of this spooky holiday, I figured some Death by Chocolate cupcakes would fit the bill nicely. These cupcakes are not for the faint of heart — they are pure, straaaaight up, in your face chocolate cupcakes smothered in dark chocolate frosting and topped with even.more.chocolate.
It’s a kiss of death I would gladly succumb to!
- 1 box dark chocolate cake mix, plus ingredients on back of box
- 2 small boxes instant chocolate pudding mix
- 1 cup fat free milk
- FOR FROSTING:
- 2 sticks butter, room temperature
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- ¼ cup dark chocolate cocoa powder
- 1 Tbsp heavy cream
- About 4 cups powdered sugar
- Chocolate sprinkles
- Hershey’s Kisses, unwrapped
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line 2 muffin tins with about 18 paper liners. Set aside.
- In a large bowl, prepare the batter according to package directions. Stir in ONE of the boxes of pudding mix to combine. Portion the batter evenly among the muffin tins, filling about ¾” full. Bake cupcakes for approx. 15-18 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool the cupcakes completely.
- Once cupcakes have cooled, core the centers out with a paring knife. Discard or snack on the cupcake guts! Meanwhile, in a medium bowl, combine the remaining box of pudding with the cup of milk and whisk to combine. Once it starts to set, begin filling the cupcakes with the pudding as full as you can without them overflowing. Pop the cupcakes in the fridge.
- In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat together the butter, vanilla extract and cocoa with the paddle attachment until creamy and combined, about 2 minutes. Gradually add the powdered sugar, about one cup at a time, until the frosting is light and fluffy. Add the cream only if the mixture becomes too thick.
- Place the frosting into a piping bag attached with your desired tip and pipe frosting high onto the filled cupcakes, making sure you cover the filled spot. Sprinkle with chocolate jimmies and top with a Hershey’s Kiss. Store leftovers in the fridge.
While there haven’t been any fatalities caused by these cupcakes in particular, the chocolate is SO intensely rich that they have been known to take out some die-hard chocoholics that I know. Even they couldn’t finish the entire thing before throwing in the towel. If you want to cut the richness down a notch, omit the pudding or use a vanilla pudding instead (tint it red to make it bloody or green to make it oogy!). Otherwise, take a bite and enjoy the sweet, cocoa-y taste of death
Have a fantastical day!!