There are a couple of girlie things I could never, ever get behind. Things that often make me question if I’m actually a girl since they rock the girl-code a little. Things like…
Hating the Cyndi Lauper song, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. If I were taking an elevator ride down to Hell where I would be spending the rest of eternity eating porkchops with my pet monkeys *shudder*, this song would be playing during my descent. I absolutely, positively loathe it with every humanly fiber in my being. The opening riffs are jarring against my eardrums, sending panic waves throughout my body to find the nearest exit before I set myself on fire. Cyndi’s clamoring begs for fun shake me to my core and almost induce projectile vomiting. I hate, hate, hate that song, yet it manages to be the girliest anthem there is with every XX chromosome in the world.
Then there’s the long-ass makeup rituals. Dude. Back when I used to have sleepovers, I would dread the morning-after when it took my sleepover friend approximately 34768734 eons to get ready, only to emerge from the bathroom with a normal-looking face. Like, did it really take you 20 minutes to apply foundation that still makes you look like that? And another 30 minutes to get your mascara just barely coating your lashes? Kill me now. And don’t even get me started on the hair rituals. Full blow-outs, straightening wands that turn every individual follicle on her head into a pin-straight plank of hair… not my cup of tea. If I’m not rolling out of bed with whatever’s on my head, I’m getting feisty and throwing it in a pony. I just can’t with the day-long makeup rituals.
Oh, and girl shopping? Torturous. I had this friend who flicked through every. single. rack in a store. Seriously, every single one of them. Just getting through the first floor of a double-story Forever 21 would take like, 3 hours of mind-numbing hanger flicking. I don’t know if she expected to find like, a golden ticket or a secret portal or what, but it was so skull-throbbingly BORING that I would always tell her I was gonna go to the bathroom and complete my other-store shopping. I don’t know about you, but when I go in a store, I kind of scan the area to see if there are any racks that stand out. If so, I’ll flick through those racks (or through the item that stood out) and then move on. It was like my friend was planning on writing a dissertation on all of the fabric counts for every item in-store. And if that store decided to play Cyndi Lauper, which was inevitable since the universe hates me, I nearly stabbed myself with a clothes hanger in an attempt to end the misery.
So combining that knowledge with the fact that I don’t understand acrylic nails (how do you wipe!?), a love for Beyonce music and any signage that says “Keep Calm and ___”, sometimes I just wonder if I’m really a woman or some kind of mutant alien hidden inside a curvy chick’s body.
ANYWHO. Let’s change subjects before I melt.
If you’ve been a human on this planet for longer than a couple months, you’ve probably heard the speculation about the new Red Velvet Cake Oreos coming out… and their subsequent release last week. Even though I’m not the largest fan of red velvet, I was still determined to try them in the name of research and tracked ’em down at my local Target. Final verdict? They’re good, but they needed a little doctoring up in the form of an in-your-face, outrageous Red Velvet Seven Layer Bar.
As you know, seven layer bars are one of my favorite concoctions on this site. I love combining unexpected ingredients to create fabulous, seven layers of heavenly bars – and I was desperately missing a red velvet version. After the release of the Oreos, I scoured Target’s shelves to find matching ingredients to compose these rich and velvety bars, and the end result is fabulous. If you love the decadent, moist texture of red velvet cake, then you’ll flip for these incredibly indulgent bars. Trust me!
And you don’t even need to be a woman, man, or mutant alien woman to enjoy them. They’re good for everyone!
Red Velvet Seven Layer Bars
- 1 box red velvet cake mix
- 1 egg
- 1/2 cup oil
- 1 pkg. Red Velvet Oreos coarsely chopped
- 3/4 pkg Dove Milk and Red Velvet Swirl Chocolates available at Target - if you cannot find these, substitute with a regular milk chocolate and white chocolate swirled candy, like by Hershey's Kisses or Dove, chopped into bite-sized chunks
- 1 cup white chocolate chips
- 1 pkg (9-count) vanilla creme Peeps chopped into chunks
- 1 cup Red Velvet M&M's candies
- About 9 miniature red velvet cupcakes frosted and prepared from your favorite bakery, roughly chopped in half
- 1 (14 oz) can sweetened condensed milk
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line a 13x9" baking pan with foil, extending the sides of the foil over the edges of the pan. Spray the foil liberally with cooking spray and set aside.
- Meanwhile, in a large bowl, combine the cake mix, egg and oil with a spoon until a soft dough forms. Press the dough evenly into the prepared pan and bake for approx. 12 minutes. Remove from the oven but keep the oven on.
- Top the crust evenly with the chopped Peeps first, then layer evenly with the Oreos, red velvet chocolates, chopped red velvet cupcakes, white chocolate chips, and M&M's candies. Drizzle evenly with the sweetened condensed milk. Return to the oven and continue baking for another 20-22 minutes or until the top is bubbly and golden and center appears set.
- Allow the bars to cool completely before gently lifting out of the pan and cutting into squares. Serve immediately, or store leftovers airtight at room temperature.
These bars are so indulgent and incredibly rich, bursting with red velvet cake flavor! I love the unexpected addition of chopped red velvet cupcakes, which melt into the bars and create a fabulous texture from the caramelized cream cheese icing. If you cannot find Red Velvet Oreos, substitute red velvet cookies from your local bakery. If you cannot find the Dove Milk & Red Velvet Swirl chocolates, substitute a white & milk chocolate-swirled candy, such as Hershey’s Kisses or Dove chocolates.
Have a fabulous day!