So, remember when I told you about OkCupid? Yeah, it got worse.
And remember when I told you about my hatred of monkeys? Well, in case you didn’t know (or don’t remember all my weird idiosyncrasies) I hate monkeys. I positively loathe them. I think they’re hideous, I think they’re evil, I think they’re gross and I just absolutely HATE them. Always have. It’s in my DNA or something, like having detached earlobes and liking Led Zeppelin. I am unable to shake my inexplicable hatred of monkeys.
Over the years, people usually find this funny and sometimes ask questions like, “well what about baby monkeys?” or “what about spider monkeys?” or “what about the fact that we could have come from monkeys?” and I just rebuff them all with the same statement over and over: I just freakin’ hate them. And am wishing for a monkey genocide. That is all, plain and simple.
So when making my OkCupid profile, I gave a small list of random things I like. Some things included: iced black tea, baking, going on long walks, Gerbera daisies and “all animals except monkeys.” I wrote it because it’s true, and why not? It’s just as random of fact as saying I like iced black tea. I paid no mind to what I’d written.
And then, the influx of emails came. And the word ‘influx’ doesn’t even accurately describe the obscene amount of emails I received. Imagine what it’d be like if President Obama gave everyone his personal email and said, “tell me what you REALLY feel.” It’d be like that times a billion.
Guys from around the Sacramento area saw my profile, my cute pictures, my fun facts about liking tea and daisies and bombarded me with emails about — my hatred of monkeys. Not. Even. Joking. Of the 100 or so emails I received in that weekend, about 90 of them consisted of SOME question regarding monkeys and why I hated them. When I would reply, “I just think they’re evil and gross and I hate them” thinking that this answer should shut most people up, I was greeted with another email continuing to question my answer.
“Well, why do you hate them? You must have had a terrible personal experience.”
“Oh man, did one fling poop at you at the zoo?”
“It sounds like you were traumatized by a monkey before.”
“Monkeys are funny, though! They fling poo! Why do you hate them?”
Soon, the entire male population on OkCupid in the greater Sacramento region morphed into less-intelligent versions of Sherlock Holmes, trying to crack the Great-Hayley-Monkey-Hatred Case of 2014. Some would eventually back off. Others continued to pester until I deleted our conversation and refused to acknowledge them. Some would change the subject, I’d realize they were okay, I would give them my number, and then they’d keep talking about monkeys. This particular incident involved me shouting (out loud) at my phone while on the treadmill at the gym “JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!” before angrily typing some expletives and not-so-nice words to the poor Lothario on the other end.
Is Sacramento some kind of monkey-loving city and I’m this weird outcast? Is hating monkeys a criminal offense punishable by heinous amounts of inquiring emails? I didn’t realize that casually mentioning that I hated monkeys was somewhere near cannibalism and burning kittens on the “Awful Human Scale.” Jeeeeeeeeez.
I mean, I would definitely not badger some random stranger if they happened to mention they hated spiders. WELL, WHY DO YOU HATE SPIDERS, HM? DID ONE CRAWL ON YOU? FALL ON YOUR HEAD WHILE YOU SLEPT? DID YOU SEE THE MOVIE ‘ARACHNOPHOBIA’ AND THAT’S WHY YOU’RE SCARED? IS IT BECAUSE THEY EAT BUGS? BECAUSE THEY HAVE EIGHT LEGS? BECAUSE THEY’RE FURRY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYYYYYY?
So, needless to say, I deleted that tidbit about the monkeys off of my profile as I strongly considered becoming a nun since this whole online dating thing seems to be filled with creepy internet trolls, anyway.
Somewhat related but mostly not, I used to adamantly say I disliked tiramisu only because I wasn’t a huge chocolate fan and hello, it’s a chocolate dessert. It wasn’t until I tried it recently that I realized it. is. phenomenal. And lately, brookies have been sweeping through the interwebs (Aimee’s is a classic and I love Julianne’s minty twist!) so I decided to combine these two very different desserts to create a fun and unique treat that is sure to please everyone, even non-chocoholics like myself 🙂
Time to eat up, my little animals!
- 1 tube refrigerated sugar cookie dough, softened to room temperature
- 1 pkg brownie mix
- 2 eggs
- ½ cup oil
- ⅓ cup strongly brewed coffee, chilled
- 1 cup toffee bits
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line a 13x9" baking pan with foil, extending sides of the foil over the edges of the pan. Spray the foil liberally with cooking spray.
- Unroll the sugar cookie dough onto the bottom of the prepared baking dish in an even layer; set aside.
- Meanwhile, prepare the brownie mix in a large bowl by mixing together the brownie mix, eggs, oil and brewed coffee until smooth and no lumps remain. Pour the mixture evenly on top of the cookie layer. Sprinkle liberally with the toffee bits.
- Bake for approx. 35-40 minutes or until the center is mostly set (a little jiggly is okay as it will continue to set up as it cools). Do not over-bake. Allow the pan to cool completely before cutting into bars.
- Consider topping these bars with a huge scoop of mocha almond fudge ice cream, hot fudge and more toffee pieces!
I love this unique take on tiramisu! The sugar cookies act as the Ladyfingers but they’re infinitely awesomer because they’re sugar cookies, duh. And if you’ve never tried mocha brownies before (a basic, but so so good!) you must! Adding the brewed coffee to the mix instead of the water totally elevates the chocolate fudge flavor of the brownies and makes them sensational. It also makes it impossible to tell if this dish was made entirely from scratch since it lends that homemade feel to a basic boxed brownie. And I love the fun addition of the crunchy, buttery toffee bits! So fun and SO delicious!
Have a fantastical day!!
Kayle (The Cooking Actress) says
oh honey…you poor thing. For some reason other people don’t understand how awful monkeys are. You and I are the smart ones. Keep pushing through babe, lotsa frogs out there lol
I love toffee. Like lately I’ve been crazy obsessed so these brookies are looking MIGHTY fine! 😛
Delete your profile and come be my sister wife! Bring In-N-Out when you come, k?
And would you believe I’ve never had tiramisu? Sad face. These look amazing, though!
Okay, I hadn’t had it until January, so you’re not alone. And I will be your sister-wife anyday!!
Sophia @ NY Foodgasm says
BEST invention ever!!! Two of my faves together, YES! THANK you!
Daria Jane says
Hayley, So sorry to hear that you suffered the wrath of the internet trolls. Just my 2 cents, I dealt with them for about 2 years trying to meet some decent guy without any luck at all. My heart pours out to you, I hate to be a negative Nancy but save yourself some grief and find some other way to meet people. It is tough! I met lots of “previously attached” fellows and guess what? They were STILL attached! I hate to see you suffer the same way! Best of luck to ya…and be careful! Hugs…Love your recipes and blog 🙂
Thanks, sweets! I am definitely treading lightly as I don’t know these people AND I don’t know how I feel about everything still, haha. So far no luck, but hoping that will change sometime soon, either through online dating or meeting someone in real life! We’ll see. In the meantime I’ll make brownies 🙂
Mimi @ Culinary Couture says
How do you always JUST know what I’m craving?
I read your mind, duh.
Also, you should probably stop thinking about what you’re thinking about right now. Come on, Mimi, that’s gross. Lol 😉
Georgia | The Comfort of Cooking says
Why must the Internets be full of so many WEIRDOS? Ah well, at least you’re collecting good stories from all your misadventures in online dating, haha! Those guys don’t know what they’re missing out on from your kitchen in the meantime… these are unreal, Hayley!
Lol the internet is a breeding ground for monkey-loving weirdos! Thanks, Georgia!! 🙂
Zainab @ Blahnik Baker says
Oh my goshhhh!!!!! Two things!! I freaking hate monkeys and people think because I’m from damn Africa I shud love them and when I say I hate them they look at me like an evil human being. They did me nothing, didn’t throw poop at me (why does everyone ask that??) or grab your hair. None of the above happened. I just don’t like them. Ok my second point: I met my husband on okcupid :0. When I moved to NY alone for grad school my best friend signed me up for it and would respond to all these weird ass dudes talking to me and eventually she sent me his hehe. Ok these blondies are amazing!!!
Loooool, but if you’re from Africa, why do you hate monkeys?
OMG Karen, you can’t just ask people why they hate monkeys! < just a slight tweak from one of my favorite movie quotes ... please tell me you know what movie I'm talking about! And actually, you and Kelly (Hidden Fruits and Veggies) both told me you met your SO on OkCupid so maybe there's hope for me yet!
Dorothy @ Crazy for Crust says
What about a barrel of monkeys? I kid. LOVE These brownies SO MUCH.
Ashley @ Kitchen Meets Girl says
How you feel about monkeys is how I feel about possums. My kiddo figured this out and now chases me around the house with one of his books showing a picture of one with about a million of its babies laying on it. *Shudder* And also? I’m in love with these brookies!!!
Looooool I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a possum in my life but they are kinda scary looking, I’ll give you that!!
Julianne @ Beyond Frosting says
HAHA! but WHY do you hate monkeys LOL. Does no one appreciate honesty these days?!
Right?! Like they’re trying to get to the bottom of my psychosis. I JUST HATE THEM OKAY.
Amy @ Amy's Healthy Baking says
We have some of the strangest guys in the world. Unfortunately. And hating monkeys isn’t bad… I almost hate cats. Well, I’m absolutely terrified of them. Like, I basically cry and run away as if a bee was threatening to sting me (which umm actually did happen last week in the park, and I dropped my dog’s leash and ran 50 yards while she stood and stared at me like I was insane, and rightfully so). But yes. I’m afraid of cats and don’t like them. Which is way weirder than monkeys!
I still haven’t tried brookies before — shameful, I know! — but these sound absolutely phenomenal!! Especially to a chocolate lover like me. I know they aren’t your favorite, but keep those chocolate desserts coming girl!! 🙂
I hear you — I don’t know that I trust cats all that much. I want to love them because they’re cute and fluffy but they always end up scratching me and running away which is totally insulting and hurts my fragile feelings, lol. However if you come back to Rocklin I want to introduce you to the SWEETEST cat ever. Seriously — he is like a dog, doesn’t scratch or bite, loves belly rubs and will follow you everywhere. Promise he’s nice! But if you don’t, I understand — I know I wouldn’t trust anyone who swore they knew of an awesome monkey. Eeek!
kelly @ hidden fruits and veggies says
It’s especially funny because every single one of those guys probably thought they were being SO funny and so witty sending you a message like that. Let’s laugh at them while we eat these brookies (dunked in milk, please! They look like they could be BFFs with a glass o’ milk)
Jess @ On Sugar Mountain says
Bahahahaha boys are dumb. Like seriously. Ask me about things I don’t hate. WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THINGS I HATE?! Ugh. Like, for example, let’s talk about how amazeballs these Brookies are and how Jess wishes she lived in CA so she could come beg for some. 😀
Jenny @ The Brunette Baker says
I HOWLED reading this post. You’re so funny, Hayley! For reals, what is it with people not being satisfied that one doesn’t like something? Why hound you to death about it? I foresee future girlfriends/wives being nagged to death. It’s probably a good thing to weed them out early. XO
just wondering any size brownie mix?
Hi there! Any standard-size brownie mix will do; I believe the ones I typically use are 18.4 oz. and I recommend using Pillsbury Chocolate Fudge for best results. It’s the only brownie mix I use! 🙂 Thanks!