Hi guys!
I feel like I haven’t chatted with you inĀ forever. And I’m sorry about that. Actually, that’s why I’m here today, sans-recipe, to talk to you about me. And my MIA-ness.
First of all, I feel like I need to preface this post by saying a big, fat, juicy, sugary, genuine THANK YOU to all of you. Yes,Ā you. Thank you for making this blog as fun as it is, as big of a success as it is, as sparkly and crazy and wild as it is. Thank you for supporting me, my weird stories, my nutty recipes, and the overall level of oddities on this blog. I couldn’t do it without you and your loyal support and devoted friendship. Thank you.
Second, let’s address this cumbersome post. I’ve been absent lately because of some personal issues I’ve been dealing with–well, for awhile now.
My entire life I’ve battled with anxiety disorders, specifically Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I’ve known about the GAD my entire life and have been on and off medication throughout the years to simultaneously treat my anxiety and my Irritable Bowel Syndrome through antidepressants that also act as antispasmodic medication to aid my persistent intestinal troubles. However, in recent months, my OCD has come full force, along with some naughty BFFs: panic attacks and depression.
A couple months ago, I was having panic attacks almost every day. I would be shopping in the middle of Target when I was hit with a sudden wave of nausea and panic. My entire body started trembling, like a miniature quake reverberating from my core. And I’d sweat. And fret. AndĀ panic. The panic was almost tangible: I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t focus, and it felt as if the walls were closing in around me and I was trapped in a box set on fire with hungry tigers inside without an escape route. Every moment stretched onto infinity; the seconds would feel like hours as I stood there, suspended in time and wrapped in the spindly webs of fear over… nothing.
Though it had to beĀ something right? People don’t normally have panic attacks in the middle of the baking aisle at Target, nor do they have them daily. Of course, I had stresses: maintaining this here blog is work, albeit fun work, plus my regular job, plus my family responsibilities, and girlfriend/dog-mother responsibilities, plus..Ā life. But otherwise, I didn’t have a definitive stresser: no one had died recently, I hadn’t lost my job, I wasn’t terminally ill.. nothing “major.”
And my OCD was OOC (out of control, dude). I would find myself unable to focus on ANYTHING unless my obsessions were fulfilled. While that sounds really dramatic and interesting, usually that meant I couldn’t cook dinner, write, read, or exist without the floor being vacuumed. Not like the normal “oh, the floor looks so gross, I should vacuum” kinda deal. More like, “I cannot breathe, blink or function unless the floor is vacuumed right this second” and would seriously find myself obsessing over every inch of our house being immaculately vacuumed (or as immaculate as a house with two black dogs can be) or my mind would go into a terrible frenzy and I’d erupt into a panic attack. Things like not shaking out my blankets before bed and making sure things in my house and room were consistently symmetrical also plagued me.
So I went to counseling. And I made the proactive decision to talk to my doctor about antidepressants. Several months ago, I was prescribed medication.
The meds changed me for the better.. for awhile. And then, things started happening. Things in the world. Unimaginable, awful, terrible things, like the Newtown tragedy. I started thinking about how the world is so very cruel and became disgusted that we live in a world like this. A world where children aren’t even safe in their schools, where going to the movies will probably soon be monitored by armed guards, where no matter where you are, you will never, ever be safe. And I started dreading each day, wondering if this would be the day where I would die, or I would see someone die, or someone I love would die, at the cruel hand of the world or by someone evil.
Most people don’t dwell on things like death, but it really bothered me. I became worried about going to the mall, going to my work, going to the bank.. anywhere. And again, much like my other compulsions, I became obsessed with these thoughts, unable to focus because I was so worried about this cataclysmic event that I had absolutely zero control over.
So I doubled my dosage, and things felt okay for a little while longer.. until they got much, much worse.
Then the nightmares began happening. Every night, I’d close my eyes and instantly be transported into the works of a horror movie. Except instead of chainsaw-wielding weirdos and sexy teens having sex at a summer camp before their predictable demise, I was stuck inside my own head which is a terrible thing to be stuck in if you have an overactive imagination and are already jaded and fearful of the world.
Imagine nightmares peppered with panic attacks that spanned the entire night you sleep and you’re unable to wake. Nightmares of falling down steep escalators (one of my fears). Or nightmares I was covered in dead bodies and flies. Vivid, grotesque, graphic nightmares I was sucked into. Nightmares that, when I finallyĀ did wake up, I thought were real.
I would wake in a funk, wondering what just happened and feeling it wasĀ real. One morning, I came out of my room in a panic and ran toward my sister. “I’m SO sorry,” I said. “I’m sorry I made you cry. I’m sorry about what I said last night.” Chloe looked at me strangely and said “I didn’t cry last night.” I stared at her, clearly confused, and repeated the conversation we’d had the night before in which I accidentally made her cry. She shook her head. “That never happened,” she said.
I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, except instead of floating chairs and talking rabbits, I see things that never happened as I’m sucked deeper into a dark vortex inside my own brain. I only wish I could see talking rabbits, because that’d be far less disgusting and disturbing than being covered in flies. Plus, I’ve always wondered what my dog would sound like if he could talk, so a talking rabbit would be neat. I’d imagine it’d sound British, but you never know.
So here I am today. I’m on a higher dosage of medication as of yesterday, and I don’t feel any different .. yet. In a really roundabout way, I just kind of explained to you why I’ve been so MIA, but in case you couldn’t read between the lines (or skimmed it all, I don’t blame you), while I love this blog, dealing with it (at the moment) is somewhat difficult. It’s hard to think of fun, frilly things when I don’t feel fun and frilly. And to be frank, I’m at a low where I’m not even feeling fulfilled through baking. Honestly, that makes me even more depressed that my one true passion is slipping right through my fingertips as I’m spiraling downward deeper and deeper. But I know that soon, and hopefully with your continued love and support, I’ll be back on my feet once again.
I’m trying to take one day at a time. Presently, that’s all I can do. After waking from eight hour, anxiety-riddled nightmares, you can probably guess I’m a little exhausted. Most of my mornings aren’t spent blogging and commenting anymore, but rather, trying to gather my marbles and tell myselfĀ it was just a dream and get ready for the day ahead. And then I wade through work and family responsibilities, and by the time I have a sliver of time to blog, I’m so drained and my brain feels like sludge that I can’t even muster a decent sentence to write. And then I feel guilty for not having posted anything. And then I go to sleep and the cycle continues.
I have big plans for 2013. I’m hoping this year my blog takes off in really big ways. I’d like the (farfetched) chance to publish a cookbook. I’m attending at least one blog conference in June, and would like to see my way to more in the near future. And personally, I have other goals, too. I’d like to start dancing ballet or jazz again, because I truly love dancing and expressing myself through movement. I’d like to save every $5 bill I get in hopes I’ll have enough money at the end of the year to take myself to Disneyland. And I’d love to try new cuisines, visit new hole-in-the-walls, and explore + travel, even if it is to the next town. And of course, I’d love to get the chance to meet some of you!
And because of those big plans, I’m trying not to let thisĀ issue get in the way of my life, my dreams, my relationships, my blog. But currently, my mental state is outweighing my wants to deny everything and pretend it’s okay when it isn’t. I need to take care of myself. And I hope that you all will understand and continue to support me during this rough patch. I want you to all know that I am NOT a harm to society, or to myself–sometimes, people just get into funks and need a little help getting out of the mental quicksand. That’s where I currently reside.
Anyway, sorry for the long boring post. Blah blah blah. I promise I’ll be back soon with some fun, new recipes and posts. And to my bloggy friends, I’m sorry if I’ve been neglectful in visiting your blogs or commenting on your awesome new posts and recipes. I love you all SO much and I promise it’s nothing personal. However, I will be happy to tell you in person how awesome you are and your recipe is if you were to bring me some š
If you guys want to chit-chat, you can always email me at [email protected]. And I proooomise I’ll see you all soon.
xo, Hayley
crazyforcrust says
I heart you Hayley. Like, to infinity and beyond. I’m here for you, in life and in blog land, whenever you need me. Xoxo
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you. You’re a true friend, Dot and I heart you too!!
Aimee Jinks says
Honey you are so not alone!!! That’s how I felt till I found my “magic” dosage!! š I will add you on my prayers. God always makes a way!! Xoxo, Aimee Jinks
Sent from my iPhone
The Domestic Rebel says
Hi Aimee, thanks a bunch!! That means a lot, and I am hoping my “magic” dose will come soon so I can go back to making magic treats! š
Shelly says
I hope things get better for you! I very much enjoy reading your blog and trying out your yummy recipes!
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you Shelly!! Means a lot š
Kelly says
You are so amazing. Thank you for being you. You can go do you, and know that we will all be here to help you achieve your 2013 goals with (virtual) arms open for you. <3
The Domestic Rebel says
Kelly, thank you for your kind words! ((hugs))
Back For Seconds says
Awww Hayley. Take all the time you need. We love you and will be here when you’re ready to post again. I have taken a couple weeks off myself after losing my grandpa. Sometimes real life really sucks. I am here for you, girl. Holler if you need me!
The Domestic Rebel says
Life does stink sometimes, and I’m so sorry again for your loss, Stephanie š I’m here for you if you need me, too!
groomergrl75 says
Hayley, I WILL be here for as long as it take for you to feel better! I think your GREAT! We all have ups & downs. I know 1st hand all about panic attacks, I have been on MEDS for years.
That’s the 1st place to start is taking care of YOU! Rest & we will be thinking of you!! LOVE U!! I’m a HUGEEEE FAN!;)
The Domestic Rebel says
Thanks girl! Your words mean a lot and I appreciate your support!! š
Tash @ The Velvet Moon Baker says
Huge love for your amazing honesty. Many of my family members are coping with this kind of thing, varying forms. So I understand to a certain degree what your going through. Look after yourself. You’re a fab blogger and I’m sure there are lots and lots of us bloggers standing in the wings and giving you every bit of support we can.
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you Tash. You’re so sweet and I appreciate your support and heartwarming comment. Thank you!
Rebekah@Reflections of a Bookworm says
It takes a lot of guts to tell anyone that you’re struggling and to say it to your followers even more so! My mam went through the same kind of thing when I was younger and even though it’s scary as hell now, it WILL get better. We can all wait for our favourite blogger to get back to 100% so rest up and take your time š
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you Rebekah! I appreciate your kind words SO much. It IS scary as hell sometimes, but I know with the amazing love and support I’m finding myself in the middle of thanks to people like YOU, I will break free from all this stressful pishposh. Thank you!!
Tammy Leighton says
Haley, I truly enjoy your blog and appreciate your honesty. Take care of you and we’ll be waiting for your happy, healthy return!!! š
Speaking for myself, I have plenty of your pinned recipes that I can try in the meantime! š
Tammy
The Domestic Rebel says
Yay, Tammy! Please let me know how the recipes turned out! And thanks a bunch for your sweet comment š
andtheycookedhappilyeverafter says
stay strong Hayley! This too will pass š
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you!! <3
annabelle says
I canĀ“t even imagine what your days are like, but IĀ“m confident in God that he will lead the way for your doctors to help you and that you can start dazzling us with your recipe and personality soon. I will keep you in my prayers. Stay strong and just let God take care of you.
The Domestic Rebel says
Hi Annabelle, thank you so much for your sweet comment. It’s with support from people like you who make this job so fulfilling and fun. Thank you!
Liz says
Hi Hayley,
I’ve been following your blog for about 6 months now and just want you to know that I love your humour, wit, and of course, your recipes. We’ve all had our share of struggles but it takes a strong person to admit them and seek help. I would love for us to be Blog Friends…..and I admire your courage and strength. Take care….I’ll be here when you return. š
A Sweet Baker says
Hi Hayley,
I’ve been following your blog for about 6 months now and I love your humour, wit, and of course, your recipes. I know we’ve all had our struggles but it takes a strong person to admit them and to seek help. I hope we can one day become Blog Friends and share some stories and recipes! I admire your strength and courage. Take care….I’ll be here when you return. š
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you for your super sweet comment, girl. I appreciate it!!
cookingactress says
Hayley, you are amazing and strong and I adore you. I am here if you need anything (I realize it’s like “oh ok random cyber girl I barely know”). My boyfriend, Michael, has dealt, and still somewhat deals with a lot of the stuff you’re talking about (he’s had anxiety issues his whole life, and was on anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, and anxiety meds up until recently). He used to have panic attacks constantly. He still has those awful dreams you talk about (I frequently die, am captured, tortured, etc. or there are also a lot of zombie dreams…idk). Obviously what you are going through is unique to you, and very scary, but I just wanted you to know that I have some semblance of an understanding and am here for you. I am also in awe of you and how light hearted and hilarious you are able to be in the midst of all of this. Love ya girl, keep feeding us posts of delicious food and keep working on the awesomeness that is you <3
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you girl, I appreciate your sweet comment SO much! Zombie dreams must be common with anxiety because I have them ALL the time. So annoying, man. I just wanted to say that I’m SO thankful for our friendship we’ve created in this blogging world, and I’m thankful for your loyalty to me and my blog! I love you and your fun recipes, too, and I hope one day we could meet because that’d be badass š thank you for such a sweet comment–I needed that this AM! You rock, and please know that I am always down to chat as well!
cookingactress says
*big hugs*! If you’re ever in NYC I’d love to have some fun girly foodie times! And then you and Michael can commiserate about your awful zombie dreams…ha…..yeah….
The Domestic Rebel says
Haha yay! I totally want to go to NYC!
Chandra@The Plaid and Paisley Kitchen says
Oh Hayley! I know that feeling where everything good is slipping away and you can’t control it. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. Just know that we are all out here for you and that you are not alone. Many of us have gone through similar situations. I used to freak out at the grocery store and just drop my cart and go right back home with nothing. Must be something about the Central Valley! ha ha ha I hope that you are feeling you very soon and that you can get back to living your life again! Email me anytime you want to chat! I can’t wait to see you in June!!!!
Take Care!
The Domestic Rebel says
Chandra, you’re so sweet and I can’t wait to meet you in June either! It’s going to be so much fun stirring up trouble in Austin š I appreciate your friendship and support–it’s nice knowing I have an awesome support system during the hard times!!
Lisa {Sweet 2 Eat Baking} says
Oh Hayley, take all the time you need to make yourself better. I’m sort of going through something similar here but not even half as bad as you. {{{Big HUGS}}} I’ve suffered with depression for longer than I care to remember.
I’ve missed you and your witty personality and crazy recipes but I understand. You need to put yourself and your health first. Take all the time in the world, my friend, we’ll be here when you’re ready. If you need me for anything, don’t hesitate to contact me.
Mwah! xoxo
The Domestic Rebel says
Thanks Lisa!! You truly are a rockstar blogger and friend, and for that, I thank you and want to give you big hugs!! <3
Britt @ Lovin' From the Oven says
Aw, Hayley. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You are the one of the toughest chicks I know in blogland AND IRL, and I know you’ll fight this issue like a friggin’ champ. Sending positive vibes your way- You’ll get out of this funk!
<3 Brittany
The Domestic Rebel says
Thanks Britt! You’re awesome!!
bakerbynature says
You are in my prayers, darling girl! I know how anxiety can eat you up, and I’m always here if you need to talk! Hugs and kisses to you š
Shica says
It takes great courage to open up like that to total strangers, and for that I commend you! Sending you well wishes and can’t wait for you to return!
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you Shica! Appreciate your comment and support š
Elaine @ Cooking to Perfection says
No need to apologize girl! We all have lives outside of our blogs, and no one else knows what goes on. I never once questioned why you weren’t posting as often and I hope you didn’t receive any criticism or negative remarks. I would hope people would understand that there is a real person with a life and hardships to deal with behind the blog. And for those readers who don’t realize that, I’m glad you wrote this post. Take as much time to take care of yourself-that’s most important. Your readers will be here when you are ready. š
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you Elaine! It’s hard to remember even as a blogger that other bloggers have real lives outside of our sparkly, cupcake filled ones. I appreciate your friendship and support!!
Kathy Fitz says
Take the time to get you well again!
The rest can wait.
I enjoy reading your posts and recipes and will be waiting for your next post.
Take care!
Kathy
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you Kathy!! š
Brenna says
Thanks for being so open–I know it can be difficult to share such intimate, personal details about yourself on the internet. As much as I enjoy your recipes, your mental health and the stability of your life is far more important! Take care!
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you Brenna!
Ashley @ Kitchen Meets Girl says
Right now, it’s just important to focus on YOU. The blog – and all of us – will be here waiting. š And you know, if you ever need to talk/vent/chat/whatever, I’m always here! xoxo
The Domestic Rebel says
I heart you, Ashley. Thank you!!
Kristina says
I have been dealing with some similar issues and I felt guilty for taking time to make sure I was okay when I feel like so many people depend on me. I have nine beautiful children and how can I let them down? But I believe we all need to take a little time to reflect inwardly, regularly, to make sure we are okay. You are not alone and my love and prayers are with you and just know that a lot of positive energy will be sent your way. Embrace it and draw strength from the love. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there. Also, believe that there is good in the world. The TV just dramatizes the bad. Big hugs.
The Domestic Rebel says
Kristina, wow–I can barely function with this anxiety and a dog, much less nine kids! I don’t know how you manage to make it through. I’m convinced you’re Wonder Woman now š thank you for your encouraging words! I appreciate it. xo!
Megan Pence says
Thank you for sharing your struggles with us – the blogging community is far reaching and we are all standing behind you. XOXO
Jen @ Savory Simple says
Hayley, if you ever want someone to chat with about the panic & anxiety issues please feel free to email me or hit me up on Facebook. I’ve been dealing with an assortment of these issues for my entire life. I don’t suffer from OCD but I have some other stuff going on that definitely involves crossover. It can be a real bitch. I’ve been there.
The Domestic Rebel says
Thanks Jen! I’ll message you. Shit is tough! But we’ll get through it. So it goes. xo!
Stephanie @ Macaroni and Cheesecake says
Hayley, I’m so sorry you are going through such a difficult time! I appreciate your openness and honesty! I will definitely keep you in my prayers!
Stephanie @ Macaroni and Cheesecake says
Hayley, I’m so sorry you are going through such a difficult time! I will definitely keep you in my prayers!
Sandra says
So sorry you are feeling this way! I also take meds for anxiety and depression, and have occasional panic attacks. It sucks, but it’s not anything to be ashamed of, so I’m so glad you felt you could let us know what has been going on with you! I’ll be praying for you!!!
The Domestic Rebel says
Hi Sandra! Thanks for such a sweet and encouraging comment. You’re absolutely right: it’s nothing to be ashamed of! And while I wouldn’t wish these panic attacks and nightmares on anyone, I’m also glad I’m not alone in the feeling. Thank you again for reaching out!
Megan Hackney (@thepinkflour) says
I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles, but I appreciate your honesty and, especially, your optimism through such a difficult time. Your blog has been such an inspiration to me these past few months and I appreciate your genuine comments. Keeping you in my prayers!
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you Megan!!
Laura (Tutti Dolci) says
Hayley, I’m so glad you shared. I too have struggled with anxiety and panic attacks – I can totally relate to the feeling that the wonderful is caving in on you. I’m glad you are seeking support, and you are in my prayers! xo
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you Laura! You’re totally sweet and I appreciate your comment! <3
Cassie Laemmli (@BakeYourDay) says
You are so brave for sharing this, Haley! I’m so glad I stopped by today. I completely admire you and can’t wait to see what comes about for you this year! All the best! xoxo
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you Cassie!!
joycee9931 says
I just found your blog last night on Pinterest , the Circus Cookie recipes brought back so many great memories of when my daughters were small! Your post is very personal, hard to write I’m sure. I hope you take the time to care for the inner Hayley. My youngest daughter Amy struggles as well with panic, every day is hard. She finally found the right mix of meds to help. Life is just plain hard for all of us, but if you deal with OCD and panic disorder it can be a living hell. Sending up prayers for you sweetie, take the time to feel good and we’ll be reading the zillion posts you have done already! Big internet hug ā„
The Domestic Rebel says
Hi Joycee! Glad you found me through Pinterest and am so thankful you stopped by and said something. Dealing with this is hard, but it’s encouraging words and loyal support that make it so much better to deal with! My thoughts go out to you and your daughter. Thanks again for stopping by!
Kelli says
Hang in there girl! I’m rooting for ya!
Jaan L of Tx says
I wanted to say THANK YOU for baring your soul and being so honest with us. I’m sure all of us will wait patiently for you to return to your blog. I know I will be here, as I truly enjoy the recipes you post. Lastly I will say prayers for you, take care of yourself first, thats what is most important.
The Domestic Rebel says
HI Jaan, thanks for such a sweet comment! I should be back to blogging next week, but I appreciate your support and kind words! Have a wonderful weekend š
bakeaholicmama says
You are so brave to share this Haley. Though I do not know first hand what your situation is like, I have been a bystander watching my sister battle with similar problems. She is about your age (22) and has been in and our of therapy and medicated since she was 12. It’s been a hard road, and I am sure it has been for you as well. Stay strong and take everything one step at a time! We all <3 you!
PS… you totally should get a cookbook deal!
Jocelyn says
Oh girl. I wish I was there to give you a hug bear hug!!! Take care of yourself…don’t worry about us or commenting. We will be here waiting for your awesome self to come back and post sprinkle-y goodness!!! I will be praying for you through this. God will be there for you…He cares and wants you to trust Him to get you through this and through life. I can’t wait until June to meet your cute self!!! Until then, I am here if you need anything!!!
Sarah @ Miss CandiQuik says
I’m not great at giving advice, but…take it day by day girl. Remember that you are awesome and better days are ahead (and try not to stress about the blog, all of your fans are here for you)! Talk soon and take care. I CANNOT WAIT to meet you in ‘real life’ at the blogher conference.Hugs!
Kristin says
Last year, after 2.5 years in Alaska, I started experiencing a lot of the same symptoms. I was put on what they called muscle relaxers. It was a low, low dose antidepressant. I had all kinds of stomach issues. I was told it was brought on by the stress of Alaska and deployment. I get the same symptoms now, though not as often and not as bad. But I have a panic attack of sorts at least once a day when I’m at school because my job has been really getting to me lately. I get really hot, a pounding headache, stomach pains. It’s awful.
And the vacuuming? I’m the same way. I can’t make my coffee in the morning until I clean up whatever mess may be on the kitchen counters. Clutter makes me feel like I’m spiraling out of control, so I’m forever putting things away and throwing stuff out before I can “move on” with my day/routine.
My saving grace has been working out. It makes me think of something else. You need to get back into it for that reason alone š
Thank you so much for posting this. I hope you find stories/friends you can identify with by doing so.
Kristin š
The Domestic Rebel says
Hey Kristin, thanks for taking the time to write! I am glad someone else feels the same way about the clutter, even though it’s an awful feeling like everything is going apeshit because there are dishes in the sink, I’m glad I’m not the only one. I def. need to start working out, or dancing, or something to distract myself!
Allison says
You sound like me. There is a quote by Nietzsche that basically says that whoever confronts life’s terrors, but can still love and give style to their character…lives life without regret. I always think of this idea when I feel myself falling. Your blog is awesome (I don’t even like baking). You have my support!
The Domestic Rebel says
Hi Allison, thanks for the sweet comment. I appreciate it!
Nicole @ The Marvelous Misadventures of a Foodie says
Hang in there girl! I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time, but if you need anything please let me know (despite the ridiculous distance between our homes I’ll do what I can via iternets ;))! I love reading your blog but don’t let your health take the back stage!
I really admire your strength through all this and you ability to post about it. You are an amazing woman!
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you Nicole!! You’re awesome and I heart you š
Emily @ Sweet Bella Roos says
So sorry you are going through this! I have anxiety because of my thyroid & adrenal issues, and it is no fun to say the least. I’m so proud of you for doing something about it & hope you can get feeling better asap! Can’t wait to see you next summer!!
Amanda Nehls says
I have a couple of food blogs that I follow religiously for the awesome recipe ideas and of course the way they are written as well. I love your blog, especially the way you write. Your stories in your posts crack me up! I was a little behind on catching up on my blogs this month so when I came across this post, it made me really sad. Obviously I don’t know you personally but you seem like such a fun, genuine, caring person and I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Just know you have a lot of loyal readers that know this blog is going to be going far in the future and you have the support of so many! I look forward to reading your new recipes and I’m excited to see what fun things you have planned for this new year!
The Domestic Rebel says
Amanda, thank you for the touching comment! I’m glad you’ve found my blog and enjoy it so much, and I appreciate your support and encouragement!!
inevitablyshelby says
I just discovered your blog, and I love how real you are, as well as all your recipes! I just wanted to say that I have OCD too, and have experienced seasons of panic attacks and increased OCD habits/thoughts/etc. Although I think mine may differ from yours a little, I have trouble making decisions because I associate bad things with certain items or certain choices. So if I pick the blue cup and not the green cup, something bad will happen, based on what obsessive thought has taken my mind captive for the time being. Anyway, I tell you this just so that you know you’re not the only one who experiences these things. You’re not crazy, and I know that you will overcome your OCD, meds or no meds. Life won’t feel this way forever, and you will overcome your nightmares. ( I never experienced such bad nightmares, but I remember being terrified of going to bed and being alone with my fears..teddy bears are nice š ) So I really hope those go away soon for you. But I’ll be praying for you, and don’t you ever give up, now matter how much it sucks and you wish it would go away, just keep going š
The Domestic Rebel says
Thank you girl! So sweet of you to send this š while it sucks dealing with this all the time, it helps knowing others are dealing with the same thing! I also have that bad-association thing but thankfully it isn’t as bad. Take care!
Laura says
Hayley,
Please know that you are not alone. Many of us spend many waking (and sleeping) moments anxiety and terror-filled. Please take care of YOU first. The blog/cookbook/etc. will all come. You are a wonderful writer who cracks me up and keeps me excited for each post (of course, the fact that you create fabulous food is a total bonus). Take solace that there are many praying for you!
All the best,
Laura
ohsweetbasil says
Hayley, I love you to pieces. You actually just described my very close friend to a T and she has begun doing a homeopathic therapy in conjunction to her meds, at least until she feels she can function without them. I’d be happy to have her email you if you need me to. love, loves, loves
Tiffany Riedel says
I can relate to some o the issues you are having with the OCD. Glad you are seeking treatment and doing better. Keep up the good work and the recipes. I’m sure I’m like most people I don’t always comment on them but they are being saved in my emails to try sometime. š
Kristin M. says
Hayley, please know you are not the only one dealing with these issues. I have been dealign with them since I was 13. It got so bad that I couldn’t be left alone at home because I couldn’t stand being alone- what if I was choking and no one was there to save me?- I got to a poitn where I wouldn’t eat- for fear of choking- couldn’t go anywhere without my mum- and it was really bad. Even the thought of dying sent me into a hysteric panic attack. I would wake up my mum and have her talk me down at 3 am- death scared me to death- I am not sure how I got out of it, bc meds made me feel worse. Now, at 28, I still have panic attacks and couldn’t go any place without someone- mainly my mum or hubby- I couldn’t even drive 1 minute down the road to the gas station alone. After I had children and couldn’t even take them tot he park or the doctor (both less than 5 min away) I decided to go to therapy and they started me on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds and so far i’m sooo much better. I had post-partum really really bad and I literally lost it. But I am MUCH better now. Now I can drive to at least 45 min away one trip (which is HUGE for me) and I am about to be living aloen with me and my kids (which I have never EVER been alone- not even over night) and usually id be in a panic/tizzy over this, but I now welcome it. š HANG IN THERE. It will turn out better- it doesn’t seem like it at times- believe me, I know- but it turns out better in the end.
The Domestic Rebel says
Hi Kristin! Thanks so much for your sweet comment. I know what you mean only somewhat–while my fears of going places were legitimate, they weren’t as serious as yours and for that, I’m thankful. But I understand that fear–it’s so tangible and SO scary being alone, or being somewhere alone. I hate it, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m glad to know you’re doing much better–congrats on finally living alone and being able to drive 45 mins away!! Baby steps, woohoo!!
Ellen says
So sorry to hear about this Hayley…I’m glad you have Dorothy so close and your family. When you’re ready, I think it’s time for another cocktail (low key, of course) gathering.