So, remember when I told you about OkCupid? Yeah, it got worse.
And remember when I told you about my hatred of monkeys? Well, in case you didn’t know (or don’t remember all my weird idiosyncrasies) I hate monkeys. I positively loathe them. I think they’re hideous, I think they’re evil, I think they’re gross and I just absolutely HATE them. Always have. It’s in my DNA or something, like having detached earlobes and liking Led Zeppelin. I am unable to shake my inexplicable hatred of monkeys.
Over the years, people usually find this funny and sometimes ask questions like, “well what about baby monkeys?” or “what about spider monkeys?” or “what about the fact that we could have come from monkeys?” and I just rebuff them all with the same statement over and over: I just freakin’ hate them. And am wishing for a monkey genocide. That is all, plain and simple.
So when making my OkCupid profile, I gave a small list of random things I like. Some things included: iced black tea, baking, going on long walks, Gerbera daisies and “all animals except monkeys.” I wrote it because it’s true, and why not? It’s just as random of fact as saying I like iced black tea. I paid no mind to what I’d written.
And then, the influx of emails came. And the word ‘influx’ doesn’t even accurately describe the obscene amount of emails I received. Imagine what it’d be like if President Obama gave everyone his personal email and said, “tell me what you REALLY feel.” It’d be like that times a billion.
Guys from around the Sacramento area saw my profile, my cute pictures, my fun facts about liking tea and daisies and bombarded me with emails about — my hatred of monkeys. Not. Even. Joking. Of the 100 or so emails I received in that weekend, about 90 of them consisted of SOME question regarding monkeys and why I hated them. When I would reply, “I just think they’re evil and gross and I hate them” thinking that this answer should shut most people up, I was greeted with another email continuing to question my answer.
“Well, why do you hate them? You must have had a terrible personal experience.”
“Oh man, did one fling poop at you at the zoo?”
“It sounds like you were traumatized by a monkey before.”
“Monkeys are funny, though! They fling poo! Why do you hate them?”
Soon, the entire male population on OkCupid in the greater Sacramento region morphed into less-intelligent versions of Sherlock Holmes, trying to crack the Great-Hayley-Monkey-Hatred Case of 2014. Some would eventually back off. Others continued to pester until I deleted our conversation and refused to acknowledge them. Some would change the subject, I’d realize they were okay, I would give them my number, and then they’d keep talking about monkeys. This particular incident involved me shouting (out loud) at my phone while on the treadmill at the gym “JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!” before angrily typing some expletives and not-so-nice words to the poor Lothario on the other end.
Is Sacramento some kind of monkey-loving city and I’m this weird outcast? Is hating monkeys a criminal offense punishable by heinous amounts of inquiring emails? I didn’t realize that casually mentioning that I hated monkeys was somewhere near cannibalism and burning kittens on the “Awful Human Scale.” Jeeeeeeeeez.
I mean, I would definitely not badger some random stranger if they happened to mention they hated spiders. WELL, WHY DO YOU HATE SPIDERS, HM? DID ONE CRAWL ON YOU? FALL ON YOUR HEAD WHILE YOU SLEPT? DID YOU SEE THE MOVIE ‘ARACHNOPHOBIA’ AND THAT’S WHY YOU’RE SCARED? IS IT BECAUSE THEY EAT BUGS? BECAUSE THEY HAVE EIGHT LEGS? BECAUSE THEY’RE FURRY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYYYYYY?
So, needless to say, I deleted that tidbit about the monkeys off of my profile as I strongly considered becoming a nun since this whole online dating thing seems to be filled with creepy internet trolls, anyway.
Somewhat related but mostly not, I used to adamantly say I disliked tiramisu only because I wasn’t a huge chocolate fan and hello, it’s a chocolate dessert. It wasn’t until I tried it recently that I realized it. is. phenomenal. And lately, brookies have been sweeping through the interwebs (Aimee’s is a classic and I love Julianne’s minty twist!) so I decided to combine these two very different desserts to create a fun and unique treat that is sure to please everyone, even non-chocoholics like myself 🙂
Time to eat up, my little animals!
- 1 tube refrigerated sugar cookie dough, softened to room temperature
- 1 pkg brownie mix
- 2 eggs
- ½ cup oil
- ⅓ cup strongly brewed coffee, chilled
- 1 cup toffee bits
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line a 13x9" baking pan with foil, extending sides of the foil over the edges of the pan. Spray the foil liberally with cooking spray.
- Unroll the sugar cookie dough onto the bottom of the prepared baking dish in an even layer; set aside.
- Meanwhile, prepare the brownie mix in a large bowl by mixing together the brownie mix, eggs, oil and brewed coffee until smooth and no lumps remain. Pour the mixture evenly on top of the cookie layer. Sprinkle liberally with the toffee bits.
- Bake for approx. 35-40 minutes or until the center is mostly set (a little jiggly is okay as it will continue to set up as it cools). Do not over-bake. Allow the pan to cool completely before cutting into bars.
- Consider topping these bars with a huge scoop of mocha almond fudge ice cream, hot fudge and more toffee pieces!
I love this unique take on tiramisu! The sugar cookies act as the Ladyfingers but they’re infinitely awesomer because they’re sugar cookies, duh. And if you’ve never tried mocha brownies before (a basic, but so so good!) you must! Adding the brewed coffee to the mix instead of the water totally elevates the chocolate fudge flavor of the brownies and makes them sensational. It also makes it impossible to tell if this dish was made entirely from scratch since it lends that homemade feel to a basic boxed brownie. And I love the fun addition of the crunchy, buttery toffee bits! So fun and SO delicious!
Have a fantastical day!!