Okay, so it’s no surprise that I am beyond stupid paranoid. About everything.
Paranoid I’ll get scary diseases if a mosquito bites my face. Paranoid that if I don’t alarm my car one night, it’ll be stolen in the morning. Paranoid that all envelopes have a personal vendetta against fingertips so I’ll literally decimate the entire envelope as I open it improperly as to not risk being cut by doing it the “right” way. And paranoid that when I’m shopping, everyone thinks I’m up to no good.
The woooorsssst places are Ross and TJ Maxx. I swear, those employees could burn holes of acid into my soul. I am so scared of them.
I mean, 100% of the time I go to these stores to try to score a discounted Betsey bag or a cute dress or sale sprinkles. And 0% of the time do I actually steal stuff (hello, I am WAY too klutzy to get away with that, plus my conscience weighs like, eleventy million tons–let me tell you the quick story of when I ordered avocado on my deli sandwich at a grocery store and they added the avocado tag right next to the sandwich tag, so when I was rung up, the sandwich only cost 50 cents because she didn’t scan the right tag. So instead of feeling like “hey, I got a full sandwich for 50 cents!” I got all weirded out that somehow, they’d know I was mentally doing wrong and so I was like “look, I’m sorry but you scanned the wrong barcode and my sandwich was only 50 cents so here’s the $6 I owe you” and the person looked at me like I was possessed by demonic powers of honesty because I could have totally had that sandwich for 50 cents.)
So when I’m out and about, especially at the stores-that-shall-no-longer-be-named, I make sure I exaggerate e v e r y s i n g l e m o v e so they know I’m not up to any funky business. I’ll pull the clothes I’m looking at out in the open, look over the hanger and make eye contact with an employee so they can see the honesty in my eyes. I’m pretty sure they can briefly connect with me mentally and see through telekinesis that I wouldn’t steal that dress because hello, it is way ugly up close.
And when the security guards come by, I’m like WAAAAY exaggerated. I won’t even touch anything when the guards are nearby because I feel if I even check the price on that cake stand, I’ll burst into flames or they’ll arrest me or something. So I wander around with an arm’s length from merchandise on either side as to not be too close to anything and thus seem suspicious. However, I do realize that in my attempts to appear inconspicuous, I’m probably a walking neon sign of crazy. I figure it’s just the price to pay for being an overly honest person.
Oh, and when it comes time to pay, I’m like, here’s my stuff!! and put it all on the counter in one layer so they see I’m not pulling any funny business, and I’ll like, open my purse so they could see inside, ya know, if they wanted, to see there’s nothing in there except a sad little wallet and some Altoids, because I freaking love those.
And upon checking out, I’ll walk through the sensor-door thingies really slow so they know I wasn’t trying to rush out of there or anything. And once I’ve successfully passed through the sensors without bombs being dropped on my head or flame-throwing ninja stars attacking my face, I’ll walk to my car at a reasonable pace because anything quicker than like, 5mph looks suuuuper shady, bro. WHY ARE YOU RUSHING, HMMM?? YOU’RE STRANGELY EAGER TO LEAVE THE STORE.
This may or may not have happened while I was in Ross buying heart-shaped cookie cutters which propelled me to make these heart-shaped pie pops. It was a good idea on my part, paranoia and all.
These pie pops are filled with real-fruit strawberry jam and Nutella which is a winning combination in my book. The sweet, fruity jelly pairs perfect with the rich, smooth chocolate in the miniature, crispy pie. A final sprinkling of white sugar on top of each golden pie adds a little extra crunch and shimmer. You’ll heart these pies!
1 pkg refrigerated pie crusts, room temperature
About 1/4 cup strawberry jam (I used Smucker’s Spreadable Fruit jam)
About 1/4 cup Nutella
1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Line a baking sheet with a silicone liner or mist lightly with cooking spray; set aside.
2. On a clean, flat work space, roll out the pie dough. Using a medium-sized heart-shaped cutter, cut out hearts evenly. You should get about 5 hearts from each roll, and you can re-roll the dough for more hearts if desired. You’ll probably get 1-2 more or so.
3. Place a heart on the baking sheet. Using a small teaspoon, put 1/2 tsp or so of strawberry jam in the center and up on the humps of the heart, leaving a small border to seal the edges of the pie together. Place 1/2 tsp of Nutella on top of the strawberry jam, using your fingers to kind of overlay the jam.
4. Gently press a popsicle stick into the bottom of the bottom pie sheet. Top the pie with a matching heart piece of dough. Pinch the seams to seal (I also used a small-tined fork to crimp). Beat the egg in a small bowl and brush the pies with the egg wash. Sprinkle with white sugar.
5. Bake for approx. 15-20 minutes or until the tops are golden and edges are lightly crispy. Cool the pies on the baking sheet slightly before serving. These are great room temperature or lightly warmed up! Makes about 8-10 pie pops.
These are kinda sorta perfect for Valentine’s Day, or any time you’re feeling like ya wanna wear your heart on a popsicle stick and eat it — just sayin’ The strawberry jelly and the Nutella spread pair so nicely together, like a chocolate-covered strawberry inside of a flaky, buttery crust. You could also try experimenting with other jam flavors, like blueberry or apricot. Or try using Biscoff for a spicy kick to the jam!