Not too long ago, what with bikini season in full swing, I decided to get some, er, hair removal done.
Okay, so I’m sick of my eyebrows competing with the thickness, bushiness and ugliness of The Grinch. Don’t hate.
There’s a place ’round these parts that offers free waxing services to new customers. I figured it wouldn’t hurt getting something done for free.*
*Not true: it would hurt. A lot.
The only problem is that I had already been to that salon over three years earlier for the same offer, this time as a true first-time customer.
After moving, switching phone numbers, and obviously not being a customer for over three years, I figured there was a chance I wouldn’t be in the system anymore.
But then again, companies hold onto customer information with an iron fist. How could they not be hoarding my email three years later, hopeful my eyebrows would look janky sooner or later?
Being distressed and not wanting to look like a wooly mammoth any longer, I decided I’d be tricky. I’d call in for an appointment, giving them all new information as if I were a totally new person. But as they asked for my name, I choked out “Kayley.”
Whatever recess it came from in my psychotic, neurotic brain, it doesn’t matter. I told her my name was Kayley, and I was a new customer.
I shakily listened to her ramble on about my appointment and how I needed to show my ID to verify I lived in this state in order to qualify for the free waxing promotion.
Obviously, I don’t need to explain why this is a problem except for the fact that my name isn’t Kayley, but I said okay, no problem, hung up, and instantaneously regretted my decision because now I was a guilty liar.
And would have to prove it the next day.
Like, what if I came in, showed them my ID and they’re like “you’re not Kayley, you’re Hayley, and now we have you already in the system so pay up.” Or what if they call the waxing police and they arrest me for identity theft? Poor Kayley will never have the chance to get a free eyebrow wax because of me.
But what if I said “oh, I totally said HAYLEY on the phone… you must have heard wrong” and then feigned shock when they informed me that ironically, there was another Hayley in town and I would quip back with “OMG that’s so weird!! The world is so small!” Or maybe if I felt backed into a corner, I could just scream
“I have split personality disorder!! I don’t know who’s who or what’s what! Where am I? Are you my mommy?” and then they couldn’t say no to a charming schizo.
Ultimately, the pain of the guilt I was doing something wrong was stronger than the pain of ever having hair ripped out, so I cancelled the appointment. It was shortly after I realized I don’t need to get waxed anyway; I have a strict no-swimsuit policy which I abide by under every circumstance.
So, in a brief moment of embracing my wooly mammothness, I decided to make treats that are proven to be loved by slick & smooth people and wooly mammoths alike. They’re Funfetti Cake Batter Pretzel Bites and man, they’re good.
Like my Brownie Batter Pretzel Bites, but with Funfetti Cake Batter.
Funfetti Cake Batter Pretzel Bites *adapted from my Brownie Batter Pretzel Bites
1 box Funfetti cake mix
1 stick butter, softened
1/2 pkg white chocolate almond bark
1. Line a rimmed baking sheet with foil and set aside. Meanwhile, in a large bowl, mix together the cake mix + butter until a thick dough forms. Make sure you incorporate all the cake mix crumbs at the bottom!
2. Spread the mini pretzels out evenly on the baking sheet. Using a small teaspoon or cookie dough scoop, portion a teaspoon or so of dough onto a pretzel. Gently press a second pretzel into the batter, creating a sandwich. Repeat until all the pretzels are filled.
3. Freeze the pretzels for about an hour until chilled. Prepare the white chocolate bark according to package directions until smooth & melted. Dip the end of a pretzel sandwich into the white chocolate, then immediately roll in sprinkles. Repeat with all the sandwiches; allow the chocolate to harden before serving.
4. Store these airtight in the freezer (how I like them) for about a week.
I hope you enjoy!