So I started working out again.
Let me rephrase: I am starting to work out again. More like TRYING. Or thinking about working out, but just eating a bag of pretzel M&M’s instead.
Chewing burns calories, right? And for as much as I THINK about exercising, it should burn SOME calories.
Anyways, this recent spurt in exercising came about when I decided to put on my adorable cupcake-ish Betsey Johnson dress to wear one Sunday afternoon. It was one of those perf. days: not too hot, not too breezy, nice and sunny, and I wanted to dress up all purty-like. My cupcake dress was like, theeeeee perfect adornment to such a gorgeous day.
So I slipped it on and was shimmying up the back zipper when.. it stopped. And I tried to play it off like, “oh, it’s totally normal for a zipper-backed dress to stop zipping like, an inch above your butt; no big”. I began leaving my bedroom when the entire top of the dress fell off because guess what, smarty? Homegirl gained some back fat and now my dress was unwearable.
Basically, I felt my life flash before my eyes. All those moments when I’d frolic around in my pink poufy dress, blissfully unaware that eventually I’d gain some weight which would prevent me from slipping into my gorgeous Cinderella-but-cuter dress. I longed to travel back in time when I was svelte and had a model body like Kate Upton.*
*Okay, this never happened and I have never had a body like Kate Upton. I have, however, had many dreams in which I LOOKED like Kate Upton, but eventually I woke up and realized I didn’t have abs, or cute swimsuits, so I kind of just gave up on that part of my life.
So now I’m taking my junk in my trunk and the trailer carrying the rest of it to the gym. I’m running two miles at a time, which should basically net me a world record because who actually does that? And I’ve been doing these moves in which you get in a push-up position (it’s already bad and I have barely told you), and you lift one arm in the air and tilt your body. Oh, and in that lifted arm, you’re holding a dumbbell, which I’m convinced was a medieval measure of torture. Oh, and the last time I did that, there were no 5-pound dumbbells, so I figured the 4kg kettleball would be an equivalent, and I was having THE HARDEST TIME EVERRRR lifting those damn balls in the air until a friendly gentleman suggested I not lift 10 pounds over my head with one arm. He could clearly tell I was not Kate Upton. I don’t like my gym very much.
Anywho, when I’m not lifting 10 pounds over my head effortlessly or strutting my stuff in a bikini, I’m making cake-battery treats that makes the Kate’s in all of us happy. These treats taste just like cake batter, but they’re made out of cookies, AND they’re no-bake, which basically means they’re made of magic.
Time to fill your trunk with this juuuuunk, homegirl.
1 pkg Birthday Cake Golden Oreos
1 pkg white chocolate chips
1 (14 oz) can sweetened condensed milk
1. Line an 8×8 inch pan with foil, extending the sides over the edges of the pan. Lightly mist the foil with cooking spray and set aside. Meanwhile, in a food processor, grind the cookies in batches (about 10-15 cookies per batch, depending on the size of your machine) until ground into fine crumbs. Little chunks are okay, but you want it to be more crumb consistency than chunk. Set the crumbs aside in a bowl.
2. In a large bowl, melt the white chocolate chips in the microwave until smooth. Pour in the can of milk and stir to combine. Dump the crumbs and some rainbow sprinkles (I used about 1/4 cup) into the milk mixture and, using a rubber spatula, fold the mixture together until completely blended.
3. Press the mixture evenly into the prepared pan in a single layer. Sprinkle the top immediately with additional rainbow sprinkles, if desired. Allow the bars to set, at room temperature, for about an hour before cutting into squares to serve. Makes about 16 small squares.
When summertime hits, there is NO WAY I’m going to be turning my oven on, so this is the perfect way to get my cake-and-cookie fix without having to suffer for it. These bars are chewy and sweet, taste exactly like cake batter, but have a subtle cookie crunch to them. And of course, anything studded in rainbow sprinkles is to-die for! You’ll love these!!
Have a fantastical Monday!!