Howdy y’all.
Last year around this time, I wrote this post, Getting Personal about my struggles with anxiety, depression, and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I took a couple of weeks off of blogging, made time for myself and sought out help for my issues. A few weeks later, I wrote an update about my progress — a slooooooooooow journey that has yet to come to a finish. While every day continues to be a new struggle, a new obstacle to face head-on, I am still so amazed, so blessed, and so thankful to have friends like you to walk through it with me. Seriously — the amount of support & love I received when I first wrote those posts were overwhelming in the best way possible. I couldn’t believe that people who didn’t know me at all were taking time out of their busy lives to write me touching, personal emails and encouraging me to lift my head up and keep going. I saved most of the emails and still read them occasionally, humbled by the gracious selflessness and friendship from these wonderful strangers. So if you’re reading this — anybody, really — thank you.
My entire life I’ve suffered from anxiety and OCD. It plagued me as a child, slithered its way through my adolescence and has made a seemingly-permanent home inside of my adult brain. Most of my life I didn’t really understand it — it was something that happened to me that I just accepted, like having horrible taste in music or liking Sketchers. I figured that this is me and I can’t change it, so I dealt with the anxiety as best as I could.
As a kid, this meant taking antidepressants to help me sleep, help me focus, and keep me sane. They were also prescribed to help my exhaustive Irritable Bowel Syndrome — IBS — which combined with my anxiety, made my life more like a prison sentence than anything else. I was a child recluse, refusing to leave my home in fear that something tragic would happen. My family would long for vacations, even simple dates to the movies or a new restaurant in town, but I would beg and plead to stay home, safe within the confines of my home, in a zone I could control. And when we did go out, I spent the whole time wracked with anticipation that the fear I’d been dreading was inches away, creeping up on me at any second. So I’d spend the majority of my time in the bathroom, locked in a stall crying and wishing it would all go away. I was only 8 or so. This continued all throughout my entire school career.
My entire life I’ve had strange fears or “quirks” that I never added up until recently. In the sixth grade, I was in art class when I asked the boy next to me a simple question — why was he using a purple crayon to color his hair? He responded, “shut up, I am going to shoot you in the head and kill you.” Something inside of me told me I should tell on him, so I did. The next day, he was gone — and I overheard my parents saying that cops had actually searched his home and had found a loaded gun with easy access. The day I heard that, I cried myself to sleep. I knew I was probably going to die.
While out shopping that weekend, I asked my mom for a windchime. “Why?” she asked. I explained it was to hang in my window, so when he — or anyone — broke into my bedroom window to kill me, I’d hear the windchime [okay, so it’s really lame logic in retrospect but whatever]. The windchime stayed up for a very long time before I finally had the courage to take it down, but removing the windchime didn’t remove the terrible feeling that had permanently branded me. From that day in sixth grade forward, I never really felt safe anymore. Anywhere I went, I felt like there was a giant target on my back, a bullseye shot for anyone who wanted to take it.
I remember asking my dad once if he thought people could see dream bubbles above heads like they sometimes portray in cartoons. He said he didn’t know, but probably not. It was then that I decided to control my dreams and my movements so they could never be interpreted incorrectly. If I was having a dream — say, you know, a sexy teenagery dream [don’t say you never had one with Justin Timberlake, you liar] I would force myself to wake up and stop because I was SURE that someone was watching me, reading my mind, seeing my thoughts. When I walked my dog today, yesterday, three years ago, I convince myself that the neighbors are all watching me, spying on my every step, reading my mind and plotting my next move. I feel like nothing I do is truly private, truly intimate. I honestly just feel like my life is one fucked up version of The Truman Show, except I’m obviously way cuter than Jim Carrey.
Stranger things, too, like the fact that I’ve had a fear of smell even as a young child. Upon receiving my Happy Meal, I would inspect my toy and beg my parents to wash it repeatedly in the dishwasher until I could no longer smell that smell. What smell, I don’t know exactly — I just knew that I couldn’t mentally handle the odor. This became strong throughout my life thus far. If I smell certain smells — again, nothing in particular, I just know when I smell it — I have to leave. I drop everything and go. To date I am very assiduous with applying my deodorant and perfume. I use two different deodorants because I’m convinced only one does not work. I apply each one at least ten times to each armpit, and then I generously spray myself with perfume once after getting ready, then a second time before I leave, then periodically throughout the day, checking here and there that I do not smell. If I should smell, I will leave wherever I am and come home. I’ll rub an alcohol-soaked cotton ball or wash rag over my body and bathe until I can’t smell anymore. So at least you know I have good hygiene, right?
Or the fact that certain rituals must be performed before I can continue on with my day. When my parents tucked me in as a kid, they had to pull up my bedsheet, then my blanket, and then my comforter, and then sing three lullabies in order before I could go to bed. If they messed up the routine I’d force them to start from the beginning — I could not go to sleep, couldn’t process going any further, without my ritual complete. These days, my bedtime routine doesn’t involve ‘Twinkle, Twinkle’ but is still very planned. If I don’t get up, get ready or start my ‘daily list’ before 8-9am, I consider my day over. I can’t process running errands, I can’t process hanging out with anyone, I just can’t do anything, as if I’m stuck in some kind of weird mental pause. If I don’t silently pray each night [and mind you, I’m not religious — I am merely hoping that nothing bad happens, willing everything to go according to plan — my plan — and for no one to get hurt] I feel as if a cataclysmic event will occur and I will be to blame. It’s been my whole life praying every night — and I can’t imagine a night forgetting or stopping, because I am convinced the next day I’ll likely die, or someone close to me will. And whose fault will that be?
When I talk, I have a gnarly habit of asking the same question over and over by phrasing it in different ways. “What time is dinner?” can’t be answered by someone with a simple “6pm.” I must rephrase the question — “so, dinner is at 6?” a million times, “dinner is going to be at 6pm, right?”, over and over and over, “okay, 6pm is dinner”, and over and over and over, “so I’ll be here at 6pm for dinner then?” again. Maybe it’s that I don’t trust myself.. or that I don’t trust anyone, I guess. This has been difficult in all of my relationships as there is only so many times I can ask my boyfriends, “are you mad at me? are you sure you’re not mad at me?” before they snap. But not asking, but not clarifying is simply impossible. I must get the words out. I must clarify, enunciate, verbally record the information before I can move forward. Because if I don’t, whose fault will that be? Mine. I’ll miss dinner. I’ll get my heart broken (but know he wasn’t mad after all.. or maybe he was…). And if I don’t warn my sister to look both ways before crossing the street (even though she’s 16 and definitely knows this traffic 101 rule) and she were to be struck, I would blame myself for never having said anything.
Shortly after writing my posts I went to my doctor and begged for help. I told him I was suicidal (it wasn’t completely true but it wasn’t completely false, either) and asked for something, anything to ease the pain. He prescribed me Prozac which I started taking at a small dose. Things were wonky and ebbed for awhile. I gradually increased my dosage and found myself lower and lower than I’d ever been before. It was approaching summer and I remember sitting in my garage bawling to my mom, telling her I wanted to die. After that incident I increased my dosage again and this time it felt like the magic number — the answer to all of my problems. Everything seemed a little hazy around the edges. Yeah, I still had my rituals. Sure, I still prayed and felt threatened had I not. But it seemed okay — for awhile.
And then, out of nowhere, it became dreadful. I was back to where I started — having nightmares each night that I was trapped in my old house, a dingy, money pit place in a terrible neighborhood where I’d spent most of my life, or that I was hiding from something ominous and deadly, never quite able to escape before they found me. Rather than the usual once a day ritual, I was vacuuming my house multiple times a day, mechanically and maniacally pushing the machine through each room, desperate to remove the unwanted hair, the stench, the pain I was feeling. I would pour bleach on the counters in the morning, noon and night and scrub them until they sparkled. My focus wasn’t off-kilter, it was completely off the rails. If I missed even a minute of a TV show, I’d have a panic attack. I hated feeling like I was constantly living on a bed of nails, never really able to get adjusted comfortably before something else set me off.
Sooooo I talked to my doctor and we tried Zoloft which I’m currently on. And I hate it. And worst, I hate myself.
It’s been a month now and I can’t seem to find the energy to do anything. When I think about my blog, I don’t feel anything. When I bake, I don’t feel anything. When I hang out with friends, I don’t feel anything. When I laugh, I don’t even feel anything. I go to the gym and I sweat and I work my muscles and bones and come home as if nothing happened — everything is just a big, numb blur. I get a text from a cute guy and I stare at it like a lobotomized shell, trying–willing–myself to feel something, anything.
Lately, I spend most of my days sitting. I hate it, and I hate myself for it. I try to blog, try to bake, try to engage myself in everyday life, but find it’s much too complicated and requires too much energy for me. My emotions have flat-lined, my passions and interests are DOA and I just sit here, my mind racing a million times an hour, wishing and waiting for this magical dosage to kick in, to get me normal again. But then again, I never really knew ‘normal’, anyways? Is ‘normal’ still counting syllables to songs on my fingers when I listen to them? Is ‘normal’ still feeling I’m being watched anytime I go anywhere? Or is this ‘normal’, meandering through life like a mannequin with what seems like nothing to live for? < I know that is definitely not normal even if I still don’t know what ‘normal’ really is.
And each day I wonder that with my continued medication and therapy, what will normal be like when and if I finally achieve it? My entire life I’ve only known myself as someone secretly methodical, someone obsessed with control, someone rigid in schedule and assiduous in nature. If I ever get to normal, will I lose all of those things? Will I stop praying? Will I stop caring about a lone dust mote? Will I stop feeling the need to drop everything and give in to my compulsions, even the ones that seem the least offensive, like wanting to clean the counters when I see a crumb? Because I don’t know if I want to give those things up. Like an addict, I suppose, I want to hold onto what feels most comfortable, even if it is part of a life that isn’t really fun living. It’s what I know as ‘me’. Will I change so much that I’m unrecognizable to myself, to my family? Will they look at pictures of me and wish I was still the same weirdo who liked to wash my toys or who spent hours debating over what to wear because I feared I’d pick the ‘wrong’ thing?
Thinking about all of this and really, living all of this presents so many questions with answers that only time will reveal. I’m currently in some crappy therapy that I’m hoping I can switch out of, and I’ve already emailed my doctors with an urgent request to switch or increase my medicine. I don’t have intentions to hurt myself or others, and if I did I would certainly go to the hospital immediately. Right now, my main goal is to be well and to feel well. As it stands, OCD has spent the majority of my life as my life, but for once I’d like it to just be a part of my life and not monopolize the whole thing which is why I’m doing what I’m doing by taking non-therapeutic therapy classes, ingesting terrible medicine and writing this out which has been surprisingly cathartic.
Mostly, I just want people to understand that OCD isn’t just wanting to wash your hands a lot or liking things straight and tidy. It’s more than that. It’s a way of life. It’s a disease that monopolizes your mind and controls your life like some fucked up puppeteer. We don’t choose to count sewer grates, tap our fingers to the beats of a song or dust the house seven times a day. We don’t want to have to open and close doors eight times or feel like if we don’t perform a certain ritual or say a certain thing that something terrible will happen to us or someone we love. We don’t ask for that guilt, we don’t ask for that pain. We don’t choose to mutilate our bodies to calm ourselves (and now you know why I don’t ever, ever wear sandals) and we don’t choose to ask the same thing multiple times to reassure our minds that everything will be okay.
My whole life I’ve been a girl who loves to laugh and make others laugh, too. I get by with my crippling OCD by trying to make the best of it and poking fun at it when I can. The only other alternative that I know of is to let it completely succumb me, and if I did that I definitely wouldn’t be here right now. So I try to laugh and joke and self-deprecate which may not translate that what I’m dealing with is actually serious. I know I’m sending mixed messages here, so that’s why I wrote this: to let you know that hey, OCD and anxiety are serious problems that can affect anyone at anytime, can result in different symptoms and triggers, and can be handled in different ways. This is my way of letting everyone know that while I spend most days feeling like I’m under one hundred sopping wet blankets, drowning inside my own boring head, that deep down I can still feel myself here. This is my letter to you, my friend, that I am still here and still plan on staying here. That I’m getting help, that I’m headed for the finish line and that I’m not giving up. Sometimes you may need to lift those blankets up to get me out of my dark funk, but I’ll be there .. I just need a little extra love & encouragement. I kinda feel dumb asking for that, but not as dumb as I feel when I sit on my ass all day watching shitty television. That has to be the dumbest fucking shit ever.
So if you’re wondering where I’ve been, haven’t seen me in awhile or think I hate you or something, I don’t. And I’m sorry. I am here, and I am probably vacuuming something as you read this.
If you need me, I’m still here. I’ll still be posting regularly, I’ll still be (trying) to comment and maintain my space in the universe. And if you want to talk about anything (seriously, I’m an open book, y’all) feel free to email me at anytime. I’d love to talk to you, I really, really would. [ [email protected] ]
And after all of that nonsense, what I really really meant to say was thank you. THANK YOU. Seriously, I can’t say thank you enough.
xo, Hayley
Caley says
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling so much, Hayley! I wish, as I’m sure anyone who reads this and especially all those who know you will/do, that I could offer advice or comfort or a solution. I emailed you a year ago when you wrote your previous post, and I urged you to consider Jesus as the only help, ultimately, for any problem. I still say that…the solution doesn’t always (or often) look how you might expect, but I truly KNOW there is power and love and forgiveness and grace and mercy and peace in Jesus. I would be happy to talk with you about it more if you ever want to email me. He loves you. I mean it. I will pray for you!
thedomesticrebel says
Hey Caley! Your email was one of the ones I saved. Thank you for your kind words then and your sweetness now. I truly appreciate your encouraging words and generous spirit. xo.
Becky Woods says
Harley…I am no doctor but we went through very very similar symptoms with my stepson. After years and tests (this was in early 2000’s) he was diagnosed with Aspergers. He has a higher IQ but was socially awkward. He was a vicious reader but when tested he “spot read” but would retain everything. He is 30 now. . Owns his own business (magic card shop) and has improved 1000% socially (although babies still freak him out). Anyway it was a lot of trial and error and we finally found an awesome doctor that listened. Change doctors, therapists abd meds until you are feeling better. Giving up isn’t an option! Also try getting a sun light for your room. May help. …good luck sweetie.
thedomesticrebel says
I always wanted a sun light! Good idea, Becky — and thank you for the kind words & advice. I am so glad your son got the help he needed with the right tests and doctors. I know they’re out there, just gotta find them for myself 🙂
Kayle (The Cooking Actress) says
Hayley-I love you. I am so, SO sorry that things are so difficult for you. Michael’s been through this to a degree but right now his sister-whose symptoms are very similar to yours-is going through it. She just got put on Zoloft and it’s just….it’s so hard. All of it is so difficult because….there’s no fix it. And I’m so sorry 🙁 But regardless, I know you are also funny and unique and special and talented and a wonderful person and generous friend. Love you and I’m here for you! and I hope things get better-not fixed, because that’s impossible, but better. <3
thedomesticrebel says
Yes! Better is all I want, definitely not wanting to erase it because sometimes I kinda like it — keeps me organized and clean, haha 😉 I hope Michael’s sister gets the help she needs, too. And I hope Zoloft works better for her than it does for me — everyone has their own medication and magical dosage. I love you, Kayle! Thanks for your friendship xxxoo.
Dorothy @ Crazy for Crust says
I love you Hayley. You are probably one of the absolute best, purest, and kindest people I know. I don’t have magical words to help (and I so wish I did) but I just wanted you to know that. I’m here for you anytime, anywhere, anyplace, and even when I’m not, know you have my hugs. xoxo
thedomesticrebel says
I love you, too! And I am so grateful for your friendship. xo x a million 🙂
Laura C says
Hayley,
Although we have never met, I feel like such a kindred spirit of yours. I also count and repeat and etc. all day long. As an English teacher, my life is difficult at best. I hope and pray that you find the right combination of meds and/or therapy to ease your pain.
thedomesticrebel says
Hey Laura, I can’t imagine how difficult it is to have a profession like teaching and deal with these issues. You must be Wonder Woman! Thanks for your sweet words, I really appreciate it. Take care of yourself! xo 🙂
Laura C says
No wonder Woman here, Hayley! Just some decent meds and students who laugh along with me as I navigate the murky waters of OCD. So many of them get it because they have the same issues. It used to be worse when I tried to hide it.
I love your blog and make many of your delicious treats for my family regularly. They are all so happy I read The Domestic Rebel (as am I)!
Jan says
I’m so sorry you have to go through this disease Hayley! Your so creative with recipes and funny on your blog! You need someone to cheer you up! I know baking cheers you up so try to use that as your advantage point and fight it all the way! You are important and don’t you ever forget it! You will be in my thoughts and prayers!
Alicia D says
I’m a fairly new reader and had no idea you were dealing with these issues. I love your recipes and blog and your witty banter about your normal posts. Hopefully you get your dosage worked out and start to feel “your normal” again. Good luck. So many people deal with these issues and are ashamed to talk about it and I think it’s better when people take the cloak off of mental illness so that they can see all sides, not just the stereotype of it. Best wishes.
Alicia D says
And I don’t know if you already read her blog but if not you should check out Epbot. She touches on her anxiety and dealing with it and it might be insightful.
thedomesticrebel says
Thanks, Alicia! Really appreciate your kind words 🙂 I will definitely check out that blog!!
Shannon says
I am so very sorry for your pain and these crippling struggles that you are dealing with. I do pray, to God, for peace and healing in your life. He offers the peace that surpasses all understanding.
thedomesticrebel says
Thank you for your sweet words & prayers, Shannon! I appreciate it 🙂 xo.
Sheryl Kaye's says
Okay Hayley, let’s look at this in a positive way! Most artists, and I consider creative recipes and experiments, to be artistry, deal with demons! It is part of what creates that unbelievable talent that you have! Your talent is not just baking, it is writing, a keen sense of humor that can make a bad day turn good for others! I only wish I could make you embrace the quirks, learn to be comfortable with a modified cure, if not a full one! Girlfriend, we all have something, trust me, some of us just don’t know it yet! You are gifted, and part of that gift is from being OCD ! I am not as OCD as you, but I am another person who does some of those rituals! We love you, and support you, and hope that you will find a way to be able to bring it to a more comfortable level! Much love..hugs ..support from us to you! You rock Hayley ! Emmmmmuahhh!
thedomesticrebel says
Sheryl, your comment brought tears to my eyes! And I agree with you completely. While OCD has provided to be a serious struggle in many ways, it has also been a blessing in others. My OCD has allowed me to express my creativity in difficult situations and think on my feet. It keeps me organized and clean (lol) and has a definite important place in my life and lifestyle. I just want some help so I’m not suffering when I don’t have to — I definitely don’t want to eradicate it completely! Thanks for your sweetness, I really appreciate your friendship and kind words!! xo.
Mimi @ Culinary Couture says
The struggle is real. I love you Hayley and I’ll always be here for you if you need me. Keep your head up <3
thedomesticrebel says
I love you, Mimi! Thanks for your sweet words and your friendship!! <3 <3
sue says
I appreciate your candor. I hope you do find that right balance…you are certainly doing everything right to get there. Having met you a few times, I never would have guessed you have had such struggles…hey, you get an A+ at appearing to have it all together! Thank you for sharing and for educating me!
thedomesticrebel says
Awh, Sue — you’re the sweetest! <3
mickey says
I’m sending you hugs, kisses and many blessings. You are a true artist. Wish I could make you better. Have many people in my life with problems like yours. I can understand how hard it is. Thank you for your info it will help many. Thanks. I’m sending you happy thoughts.
thedomesticrebel says
Hey Mickey, thanks for the sweet words — I really appreciate it! xo 🙂
Vicki Bensinger says
Hayley I’m so sorry that you have such turmoil within yourself and hope that you and your doctors will be able to find a comfortable balance for you so you feel at peace with yourself and the world around you.
I have to tell you that each time your posts arrive in my inbox I’m always so eager to view the creative dish you’ve whipped up. I’m never disappointed. Your creations are all masterpieces and after reading this post I can say with confidence you’re also extremely intelligent.
I will look forward to your posts whenever you feel you have the desire to post and when you don’t I will hope that you are doing well and seeking for the balance and happiness within that you crave.
Wishing you brighter days ahead.
Vicki
thedomesticrebel says
Hi Vicki! Thanks for your kind words — they really brightened my morning! I am so grateful for readers like yourself who never cease to put a smile on my face and make what I do so fun 🙂 From the bottom of my heart, thank you!! <3
mimi says
geez i’m so sorry. i can’t even imagine what that feels like. so you’ve only taken two different medications? From what I understand there are hundreds out there. do you really like your doctor? i’m only asking because you must advocate for yourself. hang in there.
thedomesticrebel says
I really dislike him, but I like my therapist, though she’s only a therapist and can’t prescribe anything. I am definitely trying to switch docs because mine is just a weirdo loser and doesn’t get it. Thanks for your sweet words and advice Mimi! <3
emilie says
Hello, I have been following you blog for about 6-8 months, I just read this, I know your struggles I also have had off since I was 8, I am in my thirties now. If you need to talk or vent email me.
thedomesticrebel says
Hi Emilie, thanks for your kind words! I’m sorry you’ve been a longtime sufferer, too. Even though I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it helps knowing I’m not the only one suffering. Email me anytime you want to chat! xo.
Claudia says
I am sorry that you are struggling so much right now. As a long time reader (and an almost never commenter) I must admit that your posts often brighten my day. If I hadn’t read you posts about life I would think that you are living a perfect life. To me you are a wonderfully amazing, perky, baker even if you get overwhelmed sometimes too. I hope you are able to find a balance that works for the unique YOU soon. Best of luck with everything. xxxxx
thedomesticrebel says
Hey Claudia! I totally am perfect 😉 haha kidding, but I’m glad my blog brightens you up! Friends like you brighten me up, so thank you for your sweet words!! xo.
Julianne says
When I met you last summer at BHF, I had no idea at all about your back story. I learned a little bit more through following your blog since then. The one thing that sticks out in my mind about that trip is how outgoing and friendly you were. How you like to march to the beat of your own drum. That you like adventure and aren’t afraid to go out exploring on your own. I remember how thankful I was that you allowed me to tag along on your adventure as I was struggling to feel like I fit in with a group of people, and being out going is difficult for me in a group setting. I wish I possessed some of those qualities that I saw in you. I have someone very close in my life with IBS, and along with that comes anxiety. I do my very best to let them know that I have their back, give me a sign that we need to go and I will find an excuse for us to get out. I have certainly learned a lot more about how that can control someone’s life, and how situations for that person become stressful, overwhelming and downright difficult. I hope that you can continue to work with your doctor and find something that is right for you. That it will allow you the joys in your life that you deserve. I don’t know you very well, but I do know that you seem to have endless creativity. From the words that you write, to the recipes you develop, I keep coming back because I truly enjoy what you do. You are unique and not afraid to be yourself, and those traits are hard to come by. Wishing you the best Hayley.
thedomesticrebel says
Julianne, I am so glad we had the chance to meet in Austin and that we also got the chance to hang out and explore the city together! You’re such an amazing friend and a force to be reckoned with in the blog world! So creative, brilliant and sweet — of course you fit in perfectly! And I am happy and grateful to call you a friend <3 thank you for your kind words, girl -- I can't wait to see you again in May!!
Annabelle says
I love reading your blog and I can’t imagine what you are going through on a daily basis, but I will have you in my prayers, so that you can achieve your goals and feel normal. God bless you,
Xoxox, Annabelle
thedomesticrebel says
Hi Annabelle! Thanks for the sweet words, girlie! Truly appreciate it <3 xo!
Cindy says
I’m new and had no idea you’ve been struggling so. Hang in there and keep up your search for the doctor and meds that work for you. Love your creations, by the way!
thedomesticrebel says
Hey Cindy, nice to meet you! Thanks for the kind words 🙂 xo!!
Crystal says
Wow! That was so brave of you. I really enjoy your blog the witty comments and the recipes. I hope you find the right treatment for you. Please know I (and I am sure many others) are listening and thanks for being a part of our lives.
thedomesticrebel says
Crystal, your comment is so touching — thank you for taking the time to write it! Brightened my morning for sure!! 😀 Believe me, I am on the hunt to find the best treatment for me so I can continue to do what I love and meet more amazing people like yourself along the way. Thank you for being a friend and a fan!! xo 🙂
Debbie says
Dear Hayley,
I am new to your blog and was not aware of your struggle. You may not realize how many people enjoy your writings/recipes and just how entertaining they are. I am one of those people. So many of your stories brought back memories for me as a young women and just how challenging that alone can be. I hope you can find the right combination of help and take it one day at a time. Remember to believe in yourself … you are amazing!
thedomesticrebel says
Hi Debbie! Thanks for such a sweet and encouraging comment to wake up to this AM. You truly brought a huge, dorky smile on my face 😉 I appreciate your kind words and I am so touched that you find my weirdo stories funny and entertaining .. that’s why I LOVE doing what I do!! Thank you for being a great friend to me and my blog 🙂
Ashley says
I just have to say that the fact that you exist bring so much happiness and laughter to other people. I can’t tell you how many comments, texts, emails I got from you that made me laugh out loud. And you’re the only one that I can say that about. U just have a way of bringing joy to others. Love that about u!! And I have had a few similar struggles as you… Not gonna try and say it’s the same degree or “I can totally relate” or empathize, but I know a bit about struggles with anxiety, etc. mainly crippling social anxiety- it’s the worst and it controls my life and my decisions a lot of the time. Then It gets worse because I feel “weird” and stupid because of it. And nobody understands of course. And because of the social anxiety people talk behind my back and say I’m unfriendly or bitchy or rude….and I hate that. Always feeling like people are talking behind my back and judging me and don’t know that I’m actually a nice and friendly person (at least inside I am). Zoloft didn’t help and I didn’t want to be reliant on a med so I just deal. I’ll be praying for you. That’s the only effective treatment/help for me, anyway. You’re the best!! (((Hugs))). Sorry this comment was all over the place lol
thedomesticrebel says
Babe, you are the BEST!! And I appreciate our friendship so so so much, Ashley!! I can’t wait to meet you in Miami and tear it up 🙂
Alyssa says
Hayley,
First off I want to start with that I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think that you need to keep trying to get better, someday you will find the right medicines and right combination. I think you are so brave to write about this. I have experience with OCD and anxiety, even though mine was never quite as severe. Stressful situations brought it out more, it was the worst when I was going through grad school. I don’t have the type of OCD where I have to clean everything, but I have to do things in 3’s. If I don’t do things 3 times, I feel like something will go wrong. Like when I am saying good night to my son, I will say “I love you” 3 times and other things like that. I don’t always do it but notice it when I’m particularity stressed. When my husband and I have an argument, I constantly ask him if he is mad at me, I never realized it was an OCD thing. I think it is important to get yourself out of stressful situations, or learn to deal with them better, that helped a lot. I used to take walks every evening, that helped me to think about things and helped to clear my mind. I was on Lexapro for a while and I also went to therapy and that helped too. I hope things begin to look up and just always keep trying. If you ever need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to email me.
thedomesticrebel says
Hey Alyssa, why don’t we talk more!? You are awesome and I appreciate your kind words and friendship during this rough patch. And I’m happy to hear that it sounds like you’ve somewhat overcome your battle with it, though I know we’ll never truly get over it, it sounds like you’re managing it a LOT better which is inspiring to me! I am actually going to talk to my doctor about Lexapro because I’m hoping that may be the ticket.. but we’ll see. Thanks again, love!! xo.
Ikhlas says
I’m in tears as I read this, Hayley. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us all, and know that you’re not alone. I wish I could give you a big hug right now, but instead I’ll settle for a virtual one.
I hope things get better for you. You are amazingly talented and your pictures on instagram and posts on facebook always bring a smile to my face. Don’t give up and keep praying. Things will get better. Just keep swimming.
xx
Julie says
Dear, dear Hayley,
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry that you are struggling and in such pain. I hope that you do not stop praying. I will pray for you that you will come to know some peace in your life. You are a beautiful, wonderful person who has a talent for baking & writing, and you also are a very brave & honest soul for writing this post. Without knowing it, you have undoubtedly helped others out there who are strugglin. Your
Julie says
Dear, dear Hayley,
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry that you are struggling and in such pain. I hope that you do not stop praying. I will pray for you that you will come to know some peace in your life. You are a beautiful, wonderful person who has a talent for baking & writing, and you also are a very brave & honest soul for writing this post. Without knowing it, you have undoubtedly helped others out there who are struggling. Your message of giving up is not an option, is very positive. Hold on to that hope. God bless you honey.
thedomesticrebel says
Thank you so much for the sweet words, Julie. They were so thoughtful and encouraging and I especially need that now! Thank you xo.
Beanie says
I’m a fairly new reader and had no idea that you suffer so. It makes me deeply sad to read about your feelings that nothing is ever intimate and all the other things you go through.
I may not be able to help you in any way, but know that you help me! I love reading your posts and they always bring a smile to my face. I’ve actually realised I have to wait til I get home because they’re so bloody colourful everyone at work would notice. This blog is fabulous!
I hope you find the right combination for you and you find peace.
All the best
Beanie
thedomesticrebel says
Beanie, thank you for your sweet words! Truly brought a smile to my face this morning and I am so touched that my blog makes you smile, too 🙂 this is why I love doing what I do! Thank you!! xo.
Lisa @ Wine & Glue says
Hayley, first I want to say THANK YOU. In my years working as a social worker, I came across a lot of mental illness, and when I would talk about it with friends and family, it was so hard for them to understand. THANK YOU for writing in such an eloquent, clear, and brave way what it is to live with a mental illness. You seriously have no idea what a great thing you are doing with this post.
Second, as my friend, I am going to say prayers for you. I pray that you find peace, you find a therapy situation that feels GOOD to you, you find medications that give you relief, and that you find a balance. That your OCD can be one piece of who you are and not feel like it is consuming your whole life. I totally believe that it is possible and I pray for you that it happens sooner rather than later.
Christi says
Oh sweet girl, I love you for so many reasons, and your ability to be so candid and so real is one of them. You are an amazing, creative, giving and loving spirit, and I wish that the challenges you face were not such tough ones. I’ve often mentioned how I see so many similarities in you and my girls, and I truly do. The wind chime story makes so much sense, and is exactly the type of reaction that would occur in my home. I get it.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that as someone who has grown up with, around and studied mental illness, and knows it on so many levels, I highly suspect that you are also very highly gifted, and that is a part of this equation. People hear gifted, think smart, and the end. It’s so very much more, and so very different and the emotional aspect of it is huge. And it often feels like anything but a gift. It’s about emotional intensities and sensitivities, and seeing and feeling the world in a way that many others don’t. It’s about a mind that wanders and analyzes with so much more depth, creativity and complexity than most people ever think about, and it makes connections and patterns that blend right in with all that is OCD. It’s a mind that is so busy, and so sensitive, to everything, and one that you so often can not turn off, no matter how badly you want to. Everyone else’s sensations of the world may be dialed to 5, and you are at 11. By no means do I want to discount any of the very real and very legitimate things that you have shared, I just think this might be another piece of the puzzle. A piece that many might not connect, and one that can bring forth some information that might help, even if just a little. I have a few books I’d be happy to send your way.
Know you are an incredible individual, one of a kind, who has so much to give the world. And I am so thankful that you are so willing to share the amazing person you are with us. Hugs. 🙂
thedomesticrebel says
Christi, you are such an incredible person and friend, and I am dying to meet you one of these days, and the girls as well 🙂 you have brought so much inspiration and happiness into my life! Thank you <3
Phyllis says
Citalopram saved me. It’s like someone pulled down the grey curtains that muffled me in a cocoon of anxiety and depression…put a gag on the litany inside my head that if everything wasn’t PERFECT then it was MY fault. All of a sudden one day I noticed the sun was shining, and I could make a start toward letting go of the things that had nothing to do with me. Is my life perfect? No. But I’m getting through the days without crying and blaming myself. Baby steps to taking control!
thedomesticrebel says
Phyllis, I will email my doctor about Citalopram! Hoping one of these medication recommendations that you and others have given me will be the golden ticket to sanity.. or something close to it, anyways 😀 I am so glad you found the magical pill and dosage that you can manage your life and lift up those gray curtains. I am dying to (metaphorically!) see the sun again 🙂 thanks for your sweet comment!! xo.
Tracie says
Hi Hayley, I cook with you with much you are the best! I read this last night and you were on my mind all night and today. I to suffer from anxiety. Have for a long time. People see me ( don’t know) and tell me that I am so happy, cheerful, helpful which I like but they don’t know that my stomach is in knots and I sweating I think I am going to pass out but it takes me a long time to get out of the house and to go out in public. Fear rules me but you will never see it on my face. You go and work out what you need to, get help if you need to. It sounds like you have a wonderful support in your family and that’s GREAT! Be happy sweetheart! You bring me joy and happiness! Be yourself and live for you! I never leave comments but I had too. You are beautiful and so gifted. Thank you for being you Hayley!
thedomesticrebel says
Tracie, this comment had me in tears, both for being so grateful that you left such a sweet message for me and so sad that you also suffer from crippling anxiety. I’m so sorry! It’s comforting knowing people understand exactly what I’m going through, but on the other hand it’s really unfortunate because I know they’re suffering the same pains and I’m sorry for that! Sometimes the term “fake it til you make it” can’t even cure the most anxious people, I get it! But I know that with time and help and encouragement from loved ones, we’ll both get through this and kick anxiety in the butt 😉 hang in there and keep in touch — you bring ME joy and happiness for being such an incredible human and new friend <3
Aimee @ ShugarySweets says
Oh Hayley,
My heart goes out to right now! Having met you, I can say you are truly one of the sweetest girls I’ve ever met! After Austin last year I told my husband all about my friends I met, and then I talked about you. I told him I wish you lived closer cause there is something about you that makes me want to tuck you in at night and pray over you and protect you like a momma bird. Seriously girl, I want you to know that you have been in my prayers for the whole year! And while you may not be religious, I am, and I’ve got God on speed dial these days 🙂
I can’t wait to see you again, and hug you big time! And now I know to make sure I don’t smell foul. WHich will be hard being in Miami, I’ll be sure to bring extra perfume for myself 🙂
LOVE YOU LOTS AND LOTS. And seriously, ever need a break, my house is open to you!
Aimee
Aimee @ ShugarySweets says
PS. If the “tucking in” part was awkward, I’m sorry, LOL. Totally meant in motherly not girlfriendy way, hehe 🙂
thedomesticrebel says
Hahahaha oh Aimee, I love you oodles! And it isn’t weird, it’s sweet 🙂 but if you tucked me in you would have to follow the kiddo Hayley tucking in rules and sing me my three lullabies in order, hahaha! I can’t wait for Miami so we can have a drink together! And I would love to come visit you at home sometime so we could bake together 😀
Aimee @ ShugarySweets says
I would follow all your rules 🙂
Sarah & Lola says
Thanks for opening up, Hayley….this would not be an easy task for me. But I want you to know I think you’re one bad-ass chick and one hell of a friend. I’m here for you if you ever need anything at all. Sending you hugs and wet kisses (those are from Lola & Rio).
thedomesticrebel says
Why no wet kisses from Sarah?! Hahahaha thank you, love — I love you and your furry babies! Can’t wait to partay with you in Miami!
Heather @ French Press says
Hayley, I knew you struggled, i guess I just never knew how badly you are hurting. I am SO SO very sorry you have to go through this. I know that isn’t anything I could do or say to make it easier for you, just know I am here for you whenever or whatever you need. Cannot wait to see you on Saturday.
Camille says
Hayley, I am blown away by all this! I honestly had no idea and I am so sorry! Thank you so much for being so open and honest about your struggles- it just makes you seem so real. When I met you last year in August, I was immediately drawn to your fun-loving personality. It’s magnetic! I had no idea any of this was going on. You are an amazing girl doing amazing things and I will pray that you will find exactly what you need to help you- and just know that I am rooting for you!! I think that you are incredible!
xoxo,
Camille
Lindsay @ Life, Love and Sugar says
I’ve never met you Hayley but I hope to get to meet you in Miami in May. You seem like such a fun, wonderful and STRONG woman. You are also insanely creative and regularly blow my mind. I really admire that you share this part of yourself and that despite how hard it must be, you push forward and have a sense of humor about it. There are a number of people in my family that struggle with depression, schizophrenia and things that doctors don’t seem to be able to treat and none of them seem to handle it as well as you do. I hope you are able to find the right treatment for you. And kukos to you girlfriend. Keep on rockin’. I’ll have you in my prayers.
Trish - Mom On Timeout says
Oh Hayley! My heart is breaking for you right now. You are such an amazing, incredible girl and I just want to give you a hug! I think you are truly an inspiration and I applaud your transparency and the vulnerability you showed in sharing your daily struggles with all of us. I’m keeping you in my prayers girl! XOXO
Renee @ Awesome on $20 says
You don’t know me, but your site makes me feel like I know you a little bit. Not that it matters anyway. You’re a human, and I’m a human, so that makes us family. I’m sure you have a million friends you can talk to, but I just feel compelled to say that I’m here for you. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety, too, and I know how hard it can be when people don’t understand that you’re sick. You can’t just cheer up, or change your mind. It’s not a matter of being weak. Anyway, I get it, and I love you. I guess that makes me sound a little crazy, but all the best people are.
thedomesticrebel says
Renee, I love you too! And you’re not crazy — well, in that sense — maybe in other ways 🙂 lol. Thanks for being an awesome friend!! <3
John Allerdice says
Hi Hayley,
I am a member of a twelve-step fellowship of people with OCD. It has really helped out a lot.
It’s website is: obsessivecompulsiveanonymous.org .
Best wishes,
John Allerdice
[email protected]