Sure, it’s kind of a dumb holiday but it isn’t terrible. You know what’s a terrible holiday? Actually… I can’t really think of any, so pretend I never asked. No, wait — I’ve never liked Thanksgiving. Maybe it’s the food, but mostly it’s the company. And on Valentine’s Day, at least I don’t have to eat dehydrated turkey meat and hang out with my family. I can wallow myself in my room watching Criminal Minds reruns, pantslessly shoveling candy in my face while no one bothers me. Score! Take that, pilgrims.
I think the most annoying thing about Valentine’s Day is the blatant forced “love” in everyone’s face. I don’t mind the hearts, the roses or the candies. But the fact that everything has something to do with love is a little… much.
I mean, I can’t just get a card that says “hey, Happy Valentine’s Day.” They ALL have some creepy, mushy message talking about wearing one another’s blood in vials around our necks and staring deeply into each other’s eyeballs while reciting poems. Or they use the word ‘caress’, which as far as I’m concerned should be banned. Caress? It reminds me of someone rubbing a bald man’s shiny head. And as she stared deeply into his eyes, seeing his soul within, she gently caressed his shiny bald head, rubbing it gingerly like she was polishing a bowling ball.
And then there’s all that weird merchandise like tea towels that have owls in love on them. Since when are owls in love? And since when does owl love need to be merchandised into things like mugs and tea towels? And why aren’t scorpions ever in love, hmm? Are they too ugly for love? Too bitchy? Because I’m kinda feeling like the lonely scorpion here, just looking for my mate to costar on a tea towel with me. WHY DOESN’T ANYONE LOVE ME.
So you see, Valentine’s Day can be a pretty touchy subject for some people, and I get that. As long as I get my chalky conversation hearts, I’m good. I’ll probably even buy a towel with owls in love on it because that shit is cute.
ANYWAYS, today’s post is dedicated to those who are either indifferent to Valentine’s Day or who hate it. Hate it because it’s a commercialized, fake holiday bastardizing love, hate it because you’re single and all your friends are happily in relationships, hate it because one time you contracted a DISGUSTING case of pink eye on Valentine’s Day and like, gunk was pouring out and okay I’ll stop with my true life story… or hate it because your boyfriend dumped you for a homeless person (a few short months after said pink eye incident).
I created something for your haters that will completely encompass your hatred of the holiday without sacrificing fun or flavor — but of course. Yeah, it’s heart-shaped and yes, it’s doused in pastel colors, but if you look closely, the traditional “Call Me” or “Hot Stuff” messages are replaced with more sinister one-liners, like “Drop Dead” or “U R Ugly” to show your loved ones you really don’t give a shit about their roses and Kenny G music. I call them Insult Candy Hurts, and thankfully they’re easy to make and even easier to destroy in your mouthhole.
Suck it, love owls!!
- 3 pkgs. Sarah Lee pound cake, thawed to room temperature (likewise, you could use a prepared loaf pound cake, like in the bakery of your local grocery store -- just buy three if they're normal 9" loaf size -- this is what I did)
- 1 can prepared frosting
- Gel food coloring (I used yellow, pink, purple, and green, but you could use whatever you'd prefer)
- Red Candy Writer (like those squeeze-tube writers located in the cake decorating aisle)
- Line a baking sheet with foil and set aside. Meanwhile, unwrap the pound cakes if necessary. Slice them in about 1" thick slices.
- Using a medium-sized heart shaped cookie cutter (making sure your cutter isn't bigger than the pound cake slice), cut a heart shaped chunk of the pound cake out of the middle of the slice. Place the heart shaped cake onto the rimmed baking sheet and discard scraps (use them to make a pudding, cake pops, or eat -- pound cake is freaking delicious). Repeat until all the hearts have been cut out of the loaves. You can use the ends of the loaves if you'd like -- I did -- but they won't be as thick as the rest of the hearts. Up to you.
- Freeze the hearts for about 1 hour or until solid and firm.
- Once frozen, distribute the frosting evenly among a couple of bowls. Tint each bowl a different color of your choosing. Again, I used pink, green, yellow and purple. Microwave each bowl of frosting for about 10-15 seconds or until the frosting is runny and liquefied.
- Using a spoon, top each pound cake heart with a spoonful of melted frosting, alternating colors on different cake hearts. Allow the icing to set -- you may want to double coat them. Once the icing has set, use your candy writer to write your awesome messages onto the hearts. Stick with smaller sayings like "Die", "H8 You", "Drop Dead", "Kick Brix", "U R Ugly" etc. Serve!
“Candy Hurts” are a popular phenomenon on sites like Tumblr. People like to take adorable, Kawaii-style graphics and put insulting sayings on them which I find SO adorable and way more bearable than the traditional, way-mushy stuff. I thought these precious pastel-colored cake hearts looked ever-so-sweet with their crass messages scribbled on in red chocolate. I’m sure any other anti-Valentine’s fans will love them, too!!
Have a fantastical day!