Whether he was that heart-throb in high school who turned out to be a total tool, or perhaps the lady who acted like the girl of your dreams for awhile.. until those dreams turned to living nightmares, I think we’ve all been there.
The good thing about these craptastic relationships is they usually teach you something vital about yourself. Like, if your boyfriend always accused you of cheating on him, he was probably insecure with himself and the fact that you are secure. Or if your ex acted less like an adult and more like a baby, maybe it says you’re the type that likes to nurture and to take care of someone.. but someone your own age, or you know, an actual kid that isn’t your significant other.
I’ve learned a lot of things from ex boyfriends, but the main thing I have learned from one relationship in particular is something I remind myself of everyday. Shall I enchant you with a story?
Flash back to 2008. I had just graduated high school, was working at a portrait studio part-time, and America’s Next Top Model was my favorite TV show. I was also dating this guy — we’ll call him Macho Man — and I was totally head over heels for him. We’d been together over a year by that summer of ’08, and I was pretty much convinced, like most naive 17-year old girls with pink hair who love ANTM, that I was going to marry him.
Oh, and before we proceed, let me clarify the ‘Macho Man’ name. Macho Man was, well, a macho kinda dude. He wore bro tanks that showed off his ripped triceps, braaaah and wore his baseball caps at a slight askew. He also was obsessed with working out (like, he would do it on the daily for four hours a day and wouldn’t answer his phone during his workouts), ate nothing but plain chicken and exercise supplements and drank nothing but muscle milk which probably explained his gargantuan muscles, erratic behavior, and sudden taste in Iron Maiden.
Anywhoooo, one day I called him and he wouldn’t return my phone call. I tried again.. and again.. and obsessively another 3472348 more times, per the usual paranoid-girl-standards, and he wouldn’t.pick.up. Convinced his muscles had self-imploded, he’d choked on a chicken chunk or had been crushed by a free weight, I had a sleepless night of attempting to call him and trying to calm my nerves, to no avail. Fiiiinally, the next evening (which equals 54981616541 years in girl-time), he called and said he’d “left his phone” somewhere and had just gotten it back. #redflag, but I wanted so desperately to believe that Macho Man, normally not the forgetful type, just had a random bout of amnesia and left his cellular device somewhere over the course of 24 hours.
But then things started getting fishy, like, he would continue to ignore my calls, and when he did pick up, he was aloof and curt. I would ask him how his day went at work and he’d vaguely say “fine”, and then out of nowhere, told me about this homeless girl who had been hired there recently. #redflag2 I didn’t seem to put the equation of I rarely answer your calls + I am a jerk on the phone and don’t say anything + random fact about homeless girl = big trouble, together.
So, fed up with not having my calls answered once an hour, I drove my butt over to his house and demanded to know what was going on. It was then that informed me we should probably break up because he was seeing someone.
Seeing someone? I thought he was seeing me? My mind began racing, heart began breaking, as I stood in his doorway, prepared for the rest of this information.
“So when you ‘lost your phone’, were you really seeing someone else?” I asked. He nodded. “Who is it?” I asked.
“The new girl from my work,” he replied. Wait. Hoooooooold your horses, hombre.
“…the homeless person?” I asked.
“Yeah, her name is Candy,” he answered.
“So you cheated on me… with a homeless person?” I asked.
“Yeah. Sorry about that.”
And that was the story of when my boyfriend cheated on me.. with a homeless person.
It was from this relationship that I learned that crucial information about myself: that I am awesome, and not homeless. And I remind myself that everyday, because honestly, it’s a good thing to remember. I mean, the fact that I am awesome and have a home are some pretty attractive qualities in a mate, but Macho Man was too hopped on testosterone pills and homeless-fever to see that — and honestly, it’s his loss. I’m pretty sure he realized that when it sank in that he was dating a homeless person named Candy.
However, like most people would be, I was shattered. I definitely could have used some comfort food and Hayley of the Future to console me by saying, shhh, it’s okay. Eat this delicious Key Lime Magic Bar Pie. And also, she was homeless. I mean, you’re going to milk so much out of this story in a couple years!! Like, you’re going to tell it on the internet and get paid for it. That’s awesome!! So are you! And you have a home! Go, You!!
Hayley of the Present wants you to eat this pie. Take comfort in knowing that you too, are awesome. And are not the other (homeless) woman.
- 1 box Key Lime cake/cookie mix
- 2 eggs
- ½ cup oil
- 1 tsp lime zest
- ½ cup white chocolate chips
- ⅓ cup macadamia nuts (chopped, if large)
- ½ cup shredded coconut
- ½ cup coarsely crushed cookies (I used coconut flavored cookies, but you could also use graham crackers)
- ½ can sweetened condensed milk
- Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Liberally grease a 9" pie pan with cooking spray and set aside.
- In a large bowl, combine the cake mix, eggs, oil and lime zest until blended. Press the dough into the prepared pan in an even layer. Bake for approx. 12 minutes.
- Remove the pie from the oven and immediately top with the coconut, white chocolate chips, macadamia nuts and coarsely crushed cookies evenly. Drizzle the sweetened condensed milk over the top of the pie to coat.
- Return the pie to the oven to bake for an additional 20-25 minutes or until the center is mostly set and the top is lightly browned. Cool the pie completely before cutting into wedges. Serve with whipped cream if you'd like!
I have to say, five years later, this pie makes up for the fact that I was cheated on. And definitely makes me feel happy that I am fortunate enough to have an oven to bake it in. And, you know, fortunate enough not to have a boyfriend who prefers homeless girls over me.
The flavors of a magic bar–the coconut, nuts, chips and sweetened condensed milk–are transported from the typical bar shape into this fun and tropical pie. The key lime base is bright and tart and is topped generously with all those different flavors and textures, providing sweet, salty and tart profiles in each bite. You’ll love it! All that’s missing is the beach.
Have a fantastic Monday!!