How to Appear Completely Incompetent and Insane, According to Hayley
First, get it in your head that you’re going to go to Zumba class. I knoooow, right?! Already off to a hilarious start. Lace up and drive to the gym. Step foot inside and immediately feel ostracized for your lack of exercisyness.
Stand in line for the Zumba class and remark to your little sister that it’s like getting into a concert, what with the fact that there’s a bunch of women in [sports] bras standing outside of a room, highly anxious to get in. While waiting in line, spot your Gym Hottie and stare at him on the row machine from afar. Think of weird excuses to talk to him, like by asking if he went to your high school because he looks so familiar… Wonder if that’s stalkerish. Wonder if grown-ups still ask about high school in the grown-up dating world. Feel stupid, like you’ve been in a weird dating time capsule and have no idea how grown-up dating works. Wow.. his triceps are almost, like, mesmerizing..
Hear the upbeat Latin remix music blasting and immediately seeing every woman in the class save for yourself seamlessly break into a routine you’ve obviously never seen, nor learned, before. Struggle to play catch-up as you half-heartedly do some goofy thing with your arms about 6 paces behind everyone else. Feel like you have just landed on this new planet, in this dance class, where everyone is prepping for a rehearsal you had no idea about. Scold yourself briefly for thinking that having prior dance class experience would give you a leg-up for Zumba, as you look like a drunkard wailing her arms around, completely and utterly uncoordinated.
Watch yourself attempt to dance in the mirrors and realize that the mirrors MUST be a joke because you look like you’re 5 feet tall and weigh like, 30 pounds heavier. Wonder to yourself, as you gyrate your hips and shimmy toward your squat, fatter self if this is a ploy by the gym to make you come to more classes by installing weird, self-image-destroying fun-house mirrors.
Leave the class an hour later, dripping with sweat, and decide from some deep, ignored (for good reason) recess in your head that NO, jumping and shimmying for an hour wasn’t adequate enough, so get your ass on the treadmill and let’s run!
Run a mile. Barely leave the gym, feeling like your legs are toothpicks. Clutch your stomach in hunger. A pita pocket sounds AMAZZZZZING right now.
Drive to the local grocery store, hell-bent on getting some pita bread. Head confidently to the bread section and search high and low for the magical bread they call ‘Pita.’ Find thin bagels. Find English muffins. Find wraps. Find.. YES! Pita bread! Dive toward the pita bread stand on the bottom shelf and find.. it’s empty. And also $5, anyway. Who the eff pays $5 for a pocket of bread?
Since you’re now squatting on the ground, grasping at the empty pita bread display, your legs have decided “that’s it, screw this” and have now stopped working. You attempt to lift yourself up but decide it isn’t worth the hassle and life would probably be better lived on the floor of a bread aisle, anyways. Crawl over to another spot where there may be pita bread. Find there’s none.
Wonder out loud, “where is the pita bread?!” Make a couple grunting noises for good measure. Have a woman wearing a baseball cap walk by you and look at you funny. Return her funny look because she’s wearing a baseball cap and you HAAAATE when women wear baseball caps. Grunt some more. Say, again, out loud, “WHEREEEE is the PITA BREAD?!”, this time louder for emphasis.
Finally head to the bakery, staggering from PTZD and whimpering from lack of pita bread. Find rolls. Find baguettes. Find everything BUT pita. Curse your life for ending this way. Walk over to the cake display case and get the urge to stick your face in one. Right as you’re inches from the vanilla, you spot a small display on the other end of the case. Pita bread. In a basket. By the cakes, and def. not in the bread aisle. Hallelujah! You can have pita pocket sandwiches!
Come home with pitas successfully in hand. See the meatloaf you’d cooked earlier.. hm, it looks kinda good. Pick at a piece while you mustard up your pita pocket. That meatloaf isn’t bad.
Eat meatloaf for dinner instead.
Basically, I’m blaming Zumba for all of this mental anguish. Thankfully, I recovered quickly enough to make you pies. Candy bar pies!
- 1 pkg mini phyllo shells
- 6 fun-sized candy bars/15 mini Reese's Cups of your choice (I chose the mini Reese's, Snickers, and Milky Way Caramel)
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line a baking sheet with foil and place each frozen phyllo cup onto the baking sheet, evenly spaced.
- Unwrap each candy bar package and cut the bar evenly, crosswise, in three pieces. If using the mini Cups, leave them be.
- Place one little candy square in each phyllo cup, or 2-3 mini Reese's Cups in each cup. You may have a bite or two leftover .. and I'm definitely not going to tell you what to do with an itty bitty piece of Snickers, sooo...
- Bake the pies for 10 minutes or until gooey and golden. Cool slightly before digging in! And don't be above adding a squirt of whipped cream and some chocolate sprinkles on top ...
Okay, so you may not have thought of this, but these pies are actually quite low-cal/low-fat on their own! Since you’re using only a THIRD of a fun-sized candy bar, you pretty much cut those calories into thirds .. or could eat three pies for roughly the same calorie-count as the fun-sized bar alone! And you could always experiment with different candy bars to suit your taste. Three Muskateers would be SUPER yummy (and lighter!), or you could try Twix, Almond Joy, Kit Kat — totally up to YOU!
Have a happy Friday!