How to Make People Uncomfortable Around Your Royal Rudeness at a Sushi Restaurant
First, arrive at the restaurant as if your parents own the place (spoiler alert: I am 99.9453654% they don’t). Make sure the entire time you never remove your cellphone (which appears to be surgically attached to your hand) from your ear. How dare those people say hello to you in Japanese. You’re on THE PHONE. Make sure you stick your phone out so those annoying a-holes know your conversation is of the utmost importance. Insist on sitting at the quiet sushi bar in the middle of the restaurant. You’ve heard from others that the acoustics are great there so everyone in a 20-mile radius is sure to hear your every breath.
Order a pink sake and a water with extra lemon. Make sure you never acknowledge the waitstaff in any other manner as they’re obviously inferior to you and your high-heeled suede boots. End your first phone call and impatiently order a salmon roll from the sushi chef who is hoping his knife will accidentally slip and somehow puncture your jugular since you’re being stupid.
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While everyone around you is quietly holding personal conversations in their own space, interrupt their train of thought with your blaring Rihanna song ringtone–you know, the one where she moans about finding love in a hopeless place or whatever–and think to yourself how ANNOYING that song is and how you kind of wish Rihanna would go back to the Barbados.
Answer your phone call giddily and in a high-pitched, excited tone. Make sure this mystery person knows you are entirely devoted to this conversation by speaking loudly so others around you know not to disturb this important call. Giggle like a stupid bobblehead over dumb, petty “how was your day/I’m fine/How are you” convo. Then, say no more and get straight to the meaty junk of your public conversation.
“Yeah, she was like, married seven times and divorced a bunch. She’s a mess. She stabbed him. Yeah, and he’s like, part of this gang in a developing country, and his brother was shot by the gang. Those developing countries and those gangs are crazy.”
Be unaware that the girl with the glasses next to you is dutifully recording everything you say for a blog post.
“What? No, he’s an illegal immigrant. He’s been here for years illegally.”
Giggle some more.
“He can’t leave his daughter,” you say. “Because! If she goes with the mom, she’s in trouble. The mom is CRAZY. Her family is like, either on meth or in a mental institution. And so is she.”
Mumble on and on about this person on meth with an institutionalized family who is somehow related to the aforementioned gang member in a developing country who had been stabbed by someone that you know. Come up with this little number: *giggle giggle* “That’s the thing about duct tape!” *giggle giggle*
Giggle incessantly some more, and finish off the conversation and your pink drink with: “I don’t know, I’m a catch!!” Get up to pay your bill and stare at everyone with great hostility. Why are they staring at you? It must be your incredibly sexy, fringed, high heel suede boots. Continue talking with your weirdo mystery friend while the cashier takes your money and you saunter out of the building and into the night, probably to be stabbed by a gang member in a developing country who has been here illegally for years because his daughter’s mom is crazy because her family is in an asylum. I don’t know, the world is ironic. The end.
And remember! There’s always a stalkerish food blogger lurking to record your conversations for juicy blog posts. But I’d still like to know what that thing is with duct tape…
Later, once the sushi has settled, come home and stuff your face with some sugar — you deserve it after a night of vicariously living a real-life episode of Jerry Springer through a stranger in a sushi restaurant. The saccharine solution? Lofthouse Sugar Cookie Pie. This pie is otherworldly–it’s insanely sugary and sweet, chewy and buttery, crunchy and gooey.. and totally perfect.
Plus, it’s cookies and pie in one. I don’t know, I guess it’s a genius! *giggle*
- 1 refrigerated pie crust, room temperature
- 1 stick butter, melted
- ½ cup sugar
- 1 Tbsp all-purpose flour
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- 3 eggs
- 1 pkg (10 or 12 count) frosted Lofthouse sugar cookies, cut into rough chunks
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Liberally grease a pie dish with cooking spray. Lay the pie crust into the dish, pressing gently. Top with the chopped frosted cookies in an even layer.
- In a medium bowl, combine the melted butter, sugar, flour, vanilla and eggs with a whisk until smooth and blended. Pour the chess mixture over the cookies in the pie shell. Gently smoosh around the cookies and the chess mix so most of the cookies are coated with the mix. Crimp the edges of the pie shell, if desired.
- Bake for 35-40 minutes or until the top + edges are golden and bubbly and the center appears set. Cool completely before cutting into slices. Serve with vanilla ice cream or whipped cream!
Lofthouse Sugar Cookie Pie *chess mix (pie base) + idea adapted from Something Swanky’s Baltimore Bomb Pie recipe
One word: insanity. That’s how I’d describe this pie. All that pink you see is the FROSTING from the cookies. OMG. The frosting melts and caramelizes, turning into this super crunchy, crystallized sugar shell over the top and in the crevices of the pie. The cookies retain their soft, tender bite but the tops get lightly toasted, giving the pie some texture. And that chess mix bakes up perfectly in between those buttery cookies, creating a gooey, sweet + rich batter reminiscent of Funfetti cake when paired with the chopped sugar cookies. This is definitely a decadent sugar-bomb of a dessert, but worth every bite!
Have a wonderful day!
xo, Hayley
Kelly @ Hidden Fruits and Veggies.com says
OH WOW! I love lofthouse cookies… and i love super sweet pies (that don’t have fruit. yuck, fruit pies. yuck). These sound so indulgent and crazy sweet delicious.
noyomoco says
I’m seriously dying over this post, Hayley! What a jerk – I’m so glad you recorded his conversation so all of us could enjoy it 🙂 This cookie pie is off the chain! (People don’t say that anymore, do they? Well, it totally is!)
Tanya Schroeder says
Yep, insanity!!! I love the pink in the pie!!! When I’m irritated by the people around me, this will be my go to saccharine solution from now on!
cookingactress says
Ahahahahaaaaaaaaa yessssss. yes yes yes. Love this. Love it. I hear random weirdness like that all the time in NYC and I adore that you put it all in this post 😀
And omg you’re totes a genius! *giggle giggle* cookie pie!
spiffycookie says
It amazes me what some people do in public. But as for this pie I cannot belive you thought to make a pie out of those already sinful cookies!
bakeaholicmama says
Your creativity is awesome. Sugar cookies and pie. Genius.
Elaine @ Cooking to Perfection says
Haha Hayley you always amaze me. You come up with the BEST ideas that I would never even dream of. This recipe is awesome. I absolutely love Lofthouse sugar cookies. I always have to refrain from grabbing them at the store because I will eat them in one sitting-no joke. This pie has my name written all over it!
somethingswanky says
THIS. IS. FREAKING. GENIUS!!!!!!!! I think about doing a new variation of this pie (or just re-photographing the original one) at least once a week. Thanks for inspiring me to get off my butt and do it!!!!!
Sally says
pretties pie in the entire world! I adore lofthouse sugar cookies and often crave them around valentine’s day!!! Well, everyday really… but that’s beside the point. The creative award goes to hayley and the pinkest, prettiest pie ever goes to this recipe 😉
ashley says
This is so stinkin brilliant I can’t even handle it!! Something this naughty that can be whipped up in no time 🙂 I love the pink. You are so creative!
Jess @ On Sugar Mountain says
OMG PLEASE CRAM THIS DELICIOUS SPRINKLE MESS INTO AN ENVELOPE AND MAIL IT TO MEEE. ahem. sorry. it’s just so bright and colorful and full of sprinkles that I involuntarily shouted OMG at my laptop. Whoops. And I wonder if that annoying lady will ever know she has been the center of a very amusing blog post? teehee 😉
Caley says
Ha, love your sushi story. 🙂 That pie is awesome! So, so pretty. I’m not really a fan of pie crust, so maybe I would do this with a graham cracker crust…or oreo…to be just COMPLETELY ridiculous.
Chandra@The Plaid and Paisley Kitchen says
O.M.G. What a rude skanky person! She created that much of a rucus for 1 salmon roll?! Crazy people abound in this world! On the other hand we are talking Crazy GOOD when it comes to this Pie! Love Love Love!
Georgia | The Comfort of Cooking says
What! This is crazy amazing Hayley. So decadent and delicious!
crazyforcrust says
Ohmigosh this is perfect! You know me and pie, and those lofthouse cookies…well don’t come near me when I’m holding a pack or you might lose an arm. *giggle* 😉
Nicole @ youngbrokeandhungry says
You should have flicked a piece of sushi at the annoying girls head and then pretend like your chopsticks slipped. Nonetheless, I would sit through mindless hours of chatter for a piece of this pie. I’m kinda crazy over lofthouse cookies.
Heather @ SugarDish(Me) says
I had a friend once that behaved like this. Not rude to waitstaff (or I might have stabbed her with my fork), but loudly talking on the phone with so much self-importance like she needed everyone to know how (I just accidentally typed hoe hahahaha) fah-reaking great she was everywhere we ever went all the time. We’re not friends anymore. But I feel pretty confident that she MUST have been on the phone with your sushi girl.
All rude people aside- this pie is so fun! That is the hottest hot pink ever. I’ve never put cookies in the pie… I’ll have to try that.
Sarah @ Miss CandiQuik says
Haha, I would’ve been thinking, “what the.. blankety blank”…that’s funny though. You never know who is listening people, watch out, lol. On another note – Cute pics of that pie!
a farmer in the dell says
people are ridiculous! I need less crazy people and more sweets. I want to stuff my face with this!
Heather @French Press says
so you totally deserve all the sugar – rude people suck – and …um/// what is a loft house cookie?
Back For Seconds says
Oh wow. This pie! Those cookies! This comination is truly genius! And it’s so pretty too. Loooooove!
Conrad Stanley says
Samoas for sure, especially frozen. My second would be the Trefoils, as I love shortbread cookies.
Red says
Oh. my. I may need to change pants.
Michele says
Hilarious post! That pie is after my own heart. Love that it’s pink.
tv oops says
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Is it very hard to set up your own blog? I’m not very techincal but I can figure things
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Many thanks