I feel it’s necessary, if we’re friends, that you know as much about me as possible.
Or as much as I want you to know about me as possible. Yeah, I’ll be mysterious and coy in some ways–you know, to keep up the intrigue and such.
Also, because I am confident you’ll find something gross, undesirable or weird about me that you wish you hadn’t knew, so I’ll spare you the behind-the-scenes details and pray my family doesn’t reveal my odd behaviors if I get famous.
…which I will totally be famous one day. Also why you should know stuff about me, so people can relate. BTW, I love when you guys can relate to me. Makes me feel more comfortable with my increasing weirdness.
Like you should know I cannot do some of the simplest tasks known to man, such as:
Start a new roll of toilet paper. Seriously, they have it glued on there so precisely, it’s like a laser incision to remove the top two-ply layer to start the roll. Inevitably, I tear the whole thing, creating an effed-up, fugly streamer of toilet paper which results in about a square the size of a fun-size candy bar and makes everyone hate my face; and
Have adequate finger grips. We have plastic bags at work that lay flat, so they aren’t open and free like most plastic bags. Sadly, my fingers have NO grip to them AT ALL and I am physically incapable of opening them. Seriously. I also would lose at life if I was only able to eat from jarred goods considering I can never open them. Also, that’s only a handy man’s job. FYI.
Also, sealing baggies or seals on bags. It’s kind of ridiculous. I can’t seal anything for the life of me. I’m like, the most useless human being on this planet, forreal. Bags of frozen food? Stay exposed and frozen–can’t seal ’em. Ziploc baggies? May as well be calculus problems. Can’t figure ’em out. Throw me in a padded room, someone–anyone.
And random factoids:
I have problems with painting my nails, but also, unpainted nails. I really despise painting my nails since I have the patience of a gnat and can’t let them fully dry before I’ve already smudged them. And smudged/chipped polish sends me into a five-year old tantrum, itching for the nearest bottle of acetone to remove the evidence before I’m judged or turn into a mass murderer. I loathe chips and smudges and can’t.stop.staring at them when I have them. Conversely, I can’t stand my bare nails. I feel like I look like a man. I don’t have long, feminine nails like most ladies–mine are unfortunate and jagged and short since I bite them constantly. So combine man hands and no patience for nail polish and you have a walking contradiction and one hot mess (yay!)
I refuse to drink water in the morning. Or juice, for that matter. Do you know how many calories juice has? It’s ridiculous, dude. Fruit should be calorieless, obvi. And since I refuse water in the morning (hello, grossness) and am on strike against juice, I’m usually dying of thirst since I’m too lazy to make unsweetened tea the night before, still drink coffee like a thirteen-year old (extra caramel sauce and about .3746834% actual coffee, please) and drinking milk is like signing a contract that I’ll marry the toilet all day. Yeah, I really told you that. Sorry.
…yet I could never give up ice cream. Or do fad diets. If I drank only juice (especially wheatgrass–there are HUNDREDS of fruits on this planet and you got sick of them all and chose to blend grass? Ugh, I feel so sorry for you), I would be on the Most Wanted list. Likewise with distancing myself from carbs, sugar, or anything worth eating. And despite ice cream & me and our long, love/hate battle, I could never give it up. Why? Because ice cream is perfect yearround, is completely versatile (solo, sundaes, milkshakes, cones, smoothies, sandwiches–you name it), and I grew up eating the stuff. I practically sweat sherbet. It’s a little known fact.
So when I discovered I could make ice cream? Totes all over it. And when Dorothy opened my eyes to LOW-FAT, homemade ice cream? Let’s just say I almost checked myself into an asylum because I thought I was going bananas. Low-fat, homemade ice cream? Is this real life?!
While hard to upstage banana cream pie ice cream (because let’s reread that: BANANA CREAM PIE ICE CREAM), I took a different approach that neither upstages or steals the show. It’s unique in its own way, marches to the beat of its own drum and in no way overshadows any other ice cream flavor. It’s just simple, easy, peanut-buttery goodness–a remake on a classic cookies ‘n creme flavor, if you will.
It’s called Nutter Butters ‘n Creme Ice Cream, and if we wanna be BFFs, y’all need to get on my level with this stuff.
I mean, it’s made with Cool Whip and sweetened condensed milk, for crying out loud. No salt, no shaking, no machine or gadgets or fancy stuff only celebrities like myself could afford, obviously. I’m going back to my simple roots as a girl growing up with a love for ice cream and the easy way of life.
Nutter Butters ‘n Creme Ice Cream *inspired by Dorothy’s Banana Cream Pie Ice Cream recipe
1 regular-sized tub Cool Whip Free, thawed
1 can fat-free sweetened condensed milk
1 cup creamy peanut butter, slightly softened*
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 & 1/2 cups Nutter Butter Minis, roughly chopped
1. In a small bowl, combine the sweetened condensed milk and the peanut butter; set aside.
2. In a large bowl, scoop out the Cool Whip. Pour in the vanilla extract and condensed milk mixture, gently folding it into the Cool Whip, careful not to overmix–this deflates the air in the Cool Whip (it’s all about the texture, bro). Stir in the chopped Nutter Butters lightly.
3. Pour the mixture into a freezer-proof, airtight bowl with a lid. Cover and freeze for at least 3-6 hours before serving. The consistency will be light and fluffy. Store leftovers airtight in the freezer for up to a month.
**Note: when softening the PB, zap it for a couple seconds–no more–so it loosens up but isn’t completely melted or hot. Do NOT stir hot PB into the Cool Whip; it will totally ruin the consistency.**
Have a fantastical Tuesday!