So let’s get one thing straight, mmmkay?
I am kinda sorta scared of the dark.
And by “scared of the dark”, I mean I’m positively PETRIFIED of the dark when I’m alone… in my house… because that’s obviously the perfect setting for a sexy teen scary movie in which said sexy teen (me) is tortured mentally and physically by some mask-wearing psychopath in my own home because it’s dark and scary and abandoned.
And yes, when I’m home alone my very nice house immediately becomes dark, scary and abandoned. With creaky stairs and ghostly winds and creepy, random opening doors. Obvi.
I’m not home alone at nighttime often enough to experience my full-fledged fear, but when I am, I’m allllll on pins & needles planning my method of attack should some serial killer actively seek out my house and enter with hopes to reenact scary movie scenes or get all creeps on me and stuff.
Because it’s not always reasonable to have, say, a bazooka or hand grenade on hand for those times when you could easily blow someone up who’s lurking down your hallway, you need to find unconventional weaponry to use in the heat of the moment.
I’m always scoping out local, run-of-the-mill, household objects to become my survival tools should I have an encounter with a masked man.
Say I was attacked in my bedroom. Next to my bed, I have a small table with a Febreze room freshener, a fat stack of Cosmos, and some cocoa butter. Normal, everyday, girly things to the untrained eye–but to someone like me, fighting for her life–one soft-skinned, well-read girl at a time–they become everything.
I could easily hurtle the stack of magazines toward him and the pages would give him the worst papercuts ever while I simultaneously squirted cocoa butter in his eyes (thick lotion=insta-blindness) and spray Febreze in his face so he’d asphyxiate on the intoxicatingly fresh aroma of “spring and renewal.” More like DEATH AND VIOLENCE, BEYOTCH.
Or if we were faced in a dining room standoff and I couldn’t get to my kitchen for knives, I could always use my pantry staples as weapons of choice. Take for instance, my stale, 100-calorie pack popcorn. I could throw stale popcorn at him in defense and he’d be so distracted wondering why people would keep stale popcorn on hand that I could escape. Or, in a pinch, canned goods make excellent fake hand grenades. I could throw a bunch of canned chilis at him while screaming explosive noises. He wouldn’t even know what hit him!!
Or god forbid we’d have to face-off in the bathroom. No girl wants to be caught off guard and least of all in the toilet closet. But if it’s a matter of life or death, I’m choosing life–and Bobby pins (pesky, sharp and teeny) would be shot in his face, temporarily lowering his defenses so I could towel-whip him into the toilet bowl and give him a swirly. Easy peasy. (Or let’s bring up the whole fact that the toilet bowl tank lid could be a seriously saweeeeet weapon–and don’t think I haven’t thought about clocking a home intruder with it; you never know).
Or I could just… you know. And he’d be like OMG YOU ARE DISGUSTING, I am LEAVING. I could expect this kind of behavior from a man but certainly not a WOMAN I was going to murder! SHAME on YOU!!
See? No one stands a chance in my creepy abandoned house. Or against me. No masked man, home intruder or monster can outsmart me!
Speaking of monsters, besides the scary ones lurking under your kids’ beds and stuff, there are cookie monsters, cuddle monsters and monster-in-laws… but also these super amazing, REALLYFREAKINGDELICIOUS Monster Cookie Cups I made that you mustmakerightthissecond. As if your life depends on it. Because it kind of does, since life without these is sooo unbearably lame.
1 pkg Oatmeal Scotchie refrigerated cookies, at room temp
1 (9 oz) bag miniature M&M’s candies
1 bag Miniature Reese’s PB Cups (NOT the itty-bitty “Minis” but the smaller-than-regular-sized ones that are also wrapped individually)
Vanilla ice cream & caramel sauce, (not)optional
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line a muffin tin with 12 paper liners and set aside.
2. Unwrap 12 mini peanut butter cups and set aside. Pour about 1 cup of the mini M&M’s into a bowl (or a muffin liner)–it makes it easy for assembly.
3. Take one oatmeal scotchie cookie dough square and gently squish it with your fingers to widen it. Take a PB cup and place it, top up, in the center of the cookie dough square. Take another piece of cookie dough, squish gently, and cover the PB cup with the second piece of cookie dough, sealing the edges with your fingers where each piece of cookie dough meet around the PB cup.
4. Dip the top and bottom of each stuffed cookie dough ball into the miniature M&M’s–they will stick to the room temperature dough just fine. Place one cookie dough ball into one muffin cup and repeat until all 12 muffin cups are full.
5. Bake for approx. 12-15 minutes, or until the edges are golden brown and the center is set. Do not overbake! Allow cookie cups to cool slightly before serving. They are delicious warm, sans ice cream, with ice cream, and good the next day, too! Keep leftovers airtight for approx. 2-3 days.
Now, to channel one of my fave shows, I Survived… I survived because I knew I had made these Monster Cookie Cups and I wasn’t going to let any monster stand in the way of having another cookie cup a la mode with extra caramel sauce. The end.
Also–are you making these yet?!
Have a great Monday!