I have a problem with certain food descriptors.
Obviously, being a food blogger, I have to use certain words to get my point across. If I didn’t, you would probably decide for yourself whether the picture was appealing enough to recreate it at home, but isn’t it a lot easier if I just told you how warm and perfect these muffins are, or how I really can’t stop thinking about these because of their soft, moist texture and because baked sea salt and sweet butterscotch is the world’s greatest marriage?
But those aren’t bad. Anything describing something as simply “delicious” or “decadent” or “sweet and salty” or what-have-you is good in my book.
It’s the weird, freaky stuff that gets me a little sour.
Let’s just say, there’s a BBQ joint near my house that gives out free cups with a drink purchase and, on the back, they boast how good their BBQ is. And they use the freaky adjectives that make me irk and squirm and in turn, make me prey to my dad and brother who love saying them in gross, banjo voices to bother me.
I know what you’re thinking: jeez, this girl is over-dramatic. What are these so-called “freaky” words? I think she’s making this up. She is SO weird. I swear, this is the LAST time I’m reading her crap. And what the hell is a banjo voice? She is obviously deranged and on drugs.
But no! I’m not. And I’ll tell you what a banjo voice is.
A banjo voice can best be described as a gross, hick-ish voice that would sound most accurate out of a man with a straw hat, more than 50% of his teeth missing, wearing a tattered red & white checkered shirt, overalls with only one overall-hooked in, and with bare feet, tapping them, while playing a banjo. And his feet would be weird and smell like cheddar, and you know how I feel about that…
Also, if you’re getting really into this like I am, he would walk like Cheddar Alladin. What the eff is “Cheddar Alladin”? Well, that’s when people walk with their feet thrusting out to the sides like Alladin does in the Disney movie. Almost like a duckling, but cheddar-y since Alladin was barefoot.
OHMYGOD I just lost all my readers. I am so so so sorry. This is what happens when you give me free speech. Whack jobs like me take advantage of it and start tainting your innocent minds to absolutely, positively THE CRAZIEST STUFF EVER.
I know you just came here for a recipe and I’m sorry I ruined Alladin for you. I’ll just give you the Lemon Cheesecake Bars recipe after my condensed list of weird, gross food words that should never, ever be used. Ever. Because I will think of banjo man and start freaking out.
Please Never Say These Things Around Me
Any body part noun-ing
Moist* if anyone has a better word for moist, let me know. It’s obviously necessary to describe that a cake is moist (because otherwise, I’m implying it’s crumbly and dry) but it kind of reminds me of a sponge with bacteria on it sooooo… I need a new moist-replacement word.
Okay, I promise to never, ever talk again.
Lemon Cheesecake Bars *inspired by this recipe from Quick Cooking
For “shortbread” crust:
1 box yellow cake mix
1/2 cup butter, melted
For lemon cheesecake filling:
1 pkg (8 oz) cream cheese, softened slightly
1 can (7 oz) sweetened condensed milk
3 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
Zest of one lemon
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Liberally grease a 13×9 inch baking pan with cooking spray and set aside.
2. In a large bowl, mix together the cake mix, melted butter and egg with a wooden spoon until blended; dough will be thick but on the wetter side. Spread 3/4 of the dough evenly into the bottom of the greased pan and bake for approx. 8 minutes while you prepare your filling.
3. For the filling, beat together the softened cream cheese, milk, egg, lemon juice and lemon zest with an electric mixer for approx. 1 minute or until blended and smooth. Pour the mixture into the par-baked crust. Sprinkle the additional dough on top of the filling mixture.
4. Bake for approx. 18-20 minutes or until the center is set. Allow to cool completely before cutting into squares. Store covered in the fridge for about 1-2 days. Sprinkle with powdered sugar before serving, if desired.
Pretty, pretty PLEASE still be my friend even though I am insane? I made you lemon bars and they’re not foot-stomping or tummy-tickling good or anything but they’re creamy and sweet and refreshing and I’m kind of obsessed with the faux-shortbread crust right now & I know you will be, too. ‘Cause we’re friends, and friends know sometimes the other friend can get crazy. Next time I’ll leave the Disney movies out of it, kay?
Have a wonderful Thursday!