So, my family is revolting against our dentist.
Last year, we scheduled me a regular cleaning appointment and I went in to be poked and prodded with scary hooks and have all my saliva brutally sucked out by that crazy sucker thing, all while the dental hygienist asked me really complex questions which I’m confident she cannot understand my answers to.
Don’t you love when they do that? Dentists never ask simple “yes” or “no” questions–it’s always something that requires an unavoidable answer and you’re attempting to speak while they force your mouth open with foreign objects which I’m sure could easily be covered with my newest invention, Scary Doctor Tool Covers.
You see–they’d be little covers, similar to finger puppets, I suppose–that you’d slip over scary hooks and scalpels and things of that nature. So when your doctor is headed for your throat with those long, scary Q-Tips or your dentist has a syringe millimeters from your mouthhole, they could just slip on a Scary Doctor Tool Cover and it’d instantly transform your creepy syringe into a lollypop! Or those annoying sucky-things into a piece of licorice!
Imagine the OBGYN tool cover possibilities!
But I digress. Anywho, while in my appointment and while my mouth was being used as a storage facility for cruel and inhumane-looking gadgets, the dentist asked me if I was ever bothered by my two front teeth which have had different lengths since I was little and broke one. I said yes–I have a “side” in which I prefer only my left to be photographed, simply because when pictures are taken on my right side, my longer tooth protrudes and makes me look like a scary demon woman. Or a bobcat. Whatever.
The doc had our insurance called and surprisingly, it was covered. So we made the appointment and I was giddy I would no longer resemble a crazed bobcat in photos. Imagine the possibilities of my new modeling opportunities!
The day came and I went in to–again–be prodded by shining knives and junk. They sanded, shaved, polished and basically turned my teeth into an episode of “Trading Spaces.” Finally, after what seemed like forever, the doctor showed me my new mouth–I had normal, one-length front teeth!! And it was covered by our insurance!! Woohoo!! See ya, bobcat!!
But then, he explained he did a different procedure than what he’d originally said he’d do. And this different procedure was not covered by our insurance… turning our $30 bill into a $700 bill.
Hm… well, I guess I’ll take my tooth shavings back, please. Have any Crazy Glue?
I basically left the office sobbing uncontrollably while simultaneously checking out my modeling face and my new sexy teeth while I called my mom and bawled that my teeth were expensive and how can teeth be so expensive and since they are, shouldn’t I demand my tooth shavings back since I could probably make a bracelet out of bone and hawk it on eBay? And she said she’d handle it.
Mom handles everything. She’s so cool. I ask her to do everything and she won’t but I wish she would because she can be reallly mean when she wants to and it’s awesome.
Anywho, she worked some kind of magic behind the scenes while I enjoyed my new sexy teeth. I even started flossing after years of pretending to floss right before dentist appointments just to appease them. And then she said “we’re finding a new dentist” which meant things didn’t work out with our old one and which also means two things:
A) they won’t. stop. calling. Literally, they call EVERY DAY scheduling appointments for us and cancelling appointments and rescheduling… and we never answer and we never call them back. It’s so weird; like, don’t you get the hint? We broke up two months ago. Are you mental? Get the net!
and B) we haven’t been to the dentist in almost a year and I really want to show off my freshly-flossed-nightly-teeth to SOMEONE. So badly, that I showed my poor dental-assistant friend my teeth over lunch one day, just so I could have a dental person praise my hard work.
Work that I like to ruin with Diet Coke and lots of junk food. I recently made THEBEST homemade onion rings and lemme tell you… my sexy teeth likey.
My sexy teeth also likey Almond Joys. Duh, they’re my fave candy bar. And blondies. They’re my favorite of all time. So what happens when you arrange a meet-and-greet for the two? AWESOMENESS. Excellence. And tasty, Almond Joy Blondie Bars that are easy to make and way freakin’ good.
Your sexy teeth will like these. A lot. And if you have a nice dentist (or any dentist, unlike myself) consider making he or she a pan of these. They probably see lots of unsexy teeth and want to sink theirs into these. It’s the right thing to do.
Then go floss. ‘Cause it feels oddly really good. But don’t be gone too long… there’s more blondie bars waiting for you.
1 pkg yellow cake mix
1/2 cup oil
1 & 1/2 cups shredded coconut, divided
1 pkg Almond Joy candy bits (found in the baking aisle)
2 squares melting chocolate
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease a 13×9 inch baking pan with cooking spray. Set aside.
2. In a large bowl, mix the cake mix, eggs, and oil with a wooden spoon or rubber spatula until a stiff yet soft dough is formed. Stir in one cup of the shredded coconut and 3/4 of the package of candy bits with the spoon to combine.
3. Evenly press the dough into the prepared pan and bake until golden, about 15-17 minutes. Cool completely in the pan.
4. While bars are cooling, toast the remaining 1/2 cup of coconut until lightly golden and fragrant (toast in an even layer at 300 degrees, flipping coconut every so often until done). Cool slightly.
5. Melt the melting chocolate until smooth and melted. Drizzle it across the cooled bars and top immediately with the shredded coconut and remaining candy bit pieces. Allow to set, about an hour, then cut into bars. Store airtight for 1-2 days.
I cannot say it enough: I LOVE toasted coconut!! It’s amazing and it really makes these bars extra special. And FYI, you may wanna buy two bags of those candy bits since they’re easily addictive. Don’t say I didn’t warn you or your mouth.
Have a great weekend!