A couple days ago when my mom and I were watching the news, they said there had been some home invasions and robberies in our area.
When they first mentioned the home invasions, I figured they were talking about the ghetto parts of Sacramento where home invasions are sadly normal occurrences and where the robbers probably break into someone’s house to find their stuff inside.
Like swapping stuff, just without telling the person you’re swapping stuff and instead busting out their window.
But later, when my mom informed me it was our neighborhood (read: the nicer part of town) I became super duper paranoid.
You should know I’m an extremely paranoid person.
If you look up “paranoid” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me biting my nails with a perpetual worried expression.
When I was younger, I was super into forensic science shows since I was more like a Wednesday Addams-type of daughter and was moderately morbid and odd.
However interested I was in watching Forensic Files with my mom and hearing about brutal murder cases and discovering along with America what shred of evidence convicted so-and-so of manslaughter, I would get so. scared.
It turned to a point where I became worried people would break in and murder me.
I hung wind-chimes in my window so if creepy murderers broke in through my bedroom door, I’d at least hear the twinkling of the wind-chime to alert me of my impending death.
After awhile, my mom stopped letting me watch Forensic Files, yet I became increasingly more paranoid in every day life.
Obviously, sometimes this is good, like when I’m out at night and I’m hyper-HYPER cautious of my surroundings so I can outsmart anyone trying to look for a fight.
But I also worry more than I should about people who may or may not be lurking in my neighborhood, casing our house and planning to break in. My town’s a big town and there’s a huge chance they aren’t even in my ‘hood. But just in case, I made sure I took the necessary precautions to avoid being burglarized.
Number 1: Think like a burglar. For this, I had to dig deeply into my psyche and pretend I was going to rob someone. While on my morning walk, I checked out everyone’s house and decided which houses I’d hypothetically break into if I were a robber. I decided while the houses in my neighborhood are nice, they aren’t the mansions down the street. I also checked my house to ensure there weren’t any creepy lurking spots burglars could stake out.
Number 2: Have a boring house. Since our Lamborghini is in the shop (right) we don’t have any ostentatious decorations or accessories outside our house. Hell, we don’t even have a garden gnome worth snatching. Our house is incredibly boring and ordinary. No one would want to come in, hence why we never have guests. Not even door-to-door people. They probably walk by and are like, “God, the people who live inside this house are probably really boring. They probably eat stale crackers and read old newspapers from 1947 and play ‘Count the holes in the wall’ as a game for fun.” Also, we don’t vacuum as often as we should, so I’m confident any robbers breaking in would be disgusted by our “animal-skin rug” and be like “these people are gross. Let’s leave.” Second part of rule No. 2: be gross.
Number 3: Stake out hiding spots, just in case. The news people said the robbers are kicking down doors (!!) so who knows if they’re ballsy enough to break in when people are home or not. While we have secret means of protection in my house, I like to plan out places where I’d hide in case of emergency. I do this in classrooms, at work, even places in the mall should some psycho come in and freak out because he didn’t get his coupon honored at Macy’s. I also think like the burglar in wondering, if I were staking this room, would I really look in that desk drawer? Then when I’m confident the answer is “no”, I’ll hope I’ll fit in my desk drawer should I need to hide. I’ve also staked out the extra-large Tupperware container in my closet, the attic, and behind the far set of bushes in my backyard (what burglar has time to look through the far set of bushes? Exactly.)
Number 4: If you’re making these Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Whoopie Pies, eat them immediately so burglars can’t rip you AND your dessert off. Because it’d be insult to injury to find not only were your personal belongings stolen, but they also ate your dessert, especially one as delicious as this. You could always bait these as self defense and hide the good ones so when the burglars eat the bait whoopie pies, they’ll start bleeding internally or something. Just make sure you leave a note for the kids so, you know, they don’t. Then that’s called murder.
ANYWAYS, while I was writhing in fear all day hoping no one was stealing my goods, I thought I should make these to console myself of my paranoia. Rightfully so, these did the trick just fine. Sugar comas are the best kind.
I mean, they taste like cookie dough. You cannot worry when you’re shoving cookie dough in your mouth. Unless you get salmonella. But we don’t use that ‘S’ word around here. I thought of everything.
1 box yellow cake mix
2/3 cup brown sugar
1 (8 oz) container sour cream
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter, melted
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 & 1/2 cups miniature chocolate chips, plus an additional 1/2 cup for garnish later
Cookie Dough Frosting (recipe & ingredients follow)
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease two cookie sheets with cooking spray and blot excess with a paper towel. Set sheets aside.
2. In a large bowl, beat together cake mix, brown sugar, sour cream, eggs, butter and vanilla extract until blended and creamy, about 2 minutes. Batter will be thick. Stir in 1 & 1/2 cups of the mini chips.
3. Portion batter by heaping spoonfuls (about 1/4 “capfuls” or 2-3 heaping Tablespoons, depending on how big you like your pies) about 2″ apart onto the greased cookie sheets. Bake for approximately 12-14 minutes, rotating pans halfway through cook-time, until pies are lightly golden and set. Do not overbake. Remove from oven and cool on sheets for about 5 minutes, then carefully transfer to wire racks to cool completely. Prepare your frosting.
3 sticks butter, softened
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp salt
2-3 Tbsp milk, if needed
About 5-6 cups powdered sugar
Remaining 1/2 cup mini chocolate chips, for garnish
1. In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat together the butter and brown sugar until blended and creamy, about a minute. Beat in vanilla extract and salt. Gradually begin adding powdered sugar, about one cup at a time, until a stiff yet spreadable consistency is achieved. If frosting becomes too thick, thin with the milk.
2. Pipe or spread frosting (about a heaping Tbsp or two) onto the flat bottom of one whoopie pie, then gently press another flat bottom against it, forming a sandwich. (The poofy sides should both be facing upwards, flat bottoms against the frosting). Gently squish so frosting comes out toward the edges.
3. If desired, sprinkle or roll the exposed frosting edges with the mini chips. I liked that this added an additional crunch and flavor (more cookie dough-esque) but it’s entirely optional.
4. Store these airtight in the fridge. Or eat immediately because robbers WILL steal these. You can allow them to come to room temperature, but I like them slightly chilly–tastes more like cookie dough!
If you haven’t tried this cookie dough frosting from my Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cupcakes, you’re missing out. It’s addictively delicious. In fact, I highly recommend eating the whole bowl… though that may prove to be problematic when you’re later squeezing yourself into your desk drawer…
Hope you enjoy! Happy Thursday!