So a few days ago, I joined the “it’s-the-new-year-so-I’m-now-all-about-fitness” bandwagon and went to the gym.
While this sounds like a huge mistake on my part as working out isn’t generally part of my repertoire and breaking a sweat isn’t part of my religion, but I broke all previously-mentioned codes and went.
First off, whenever I tell myself I’m going to the gym, I go through several stages. Usually, Stage 1 means I get pumped for my impending workout. I’ll envision myself dripping with sweat as I’m breaking my two-mile record on the treadmill, then flexing those abs as I count out my five-hundredth crunch. Ready: go.
Stage 2 is actually preparing for the gym by, you know, getting dressed. Usually at Stage 2 it finally hits that I’m going to be exercising within the next few hours and somehow my body magically becomes drained of all energy stores and motivation whatsoever… it’s a really weird phenomenon and probably a medical disorder I should look into. I also find it extremely trying to change into workout clothes. Wearing baggy basketball shorts from high school makes me look and feel frumpy and blah, but wearing teensy butt-floss cheer shorts makes me self-conscious every five seconds so I think it’s a lose-lose.
Stage 3 is actually hauling my butt (clad in bike shorts which I have NO idea how I obtained but they’ve come in handy) to the gym and driving there, every second wishing I was driving home.
And Stage 4 is finally working out, stepping that first climactic step on the treadmill and pretending I’m a runner. This usually lasts about fifteen minutes before I’m frantically checking the machine, hoping that it will magically say I’ve already ran a mile and I can leave now. (Yes, it takes me over ten minutes to run a mile, sue me)
I’ll also pretend to do some fancy stretches I picked up from prior dance classes and hope they’re doing something for me so I can avoid the scary machines at all costs. I really hate how intimidating those machines can be, especially ones that have the over-the-arm pulleys and the weights and the springs and blah.
Also, in case you’re wondering, I don’t do 500 crunches. It’s more like 25-30, depending on the day. I like to convince myself the Victoria’s Secret models only do 20 crunches so I feel like I’ve accomplished something better than them.
And at some point during all this, I get eyeballed by other gym-goers and it makes me super self-conscious. Hellllooo, I’m here to WORK OUT, not meet new people. I hate when people call the gym a “meat market” because quite frankly, I do not want to deal with any kind of meat or meat-related product that’s sweating, potentially smells like soup and is acting like smiling at me from the free weights is like, the hottest thing ever.
I’m PRETENDING TO WORK OUT, people. Leave me be!
Eventually, I’ll tire of my approximately 25-minute long workout and want to go home. The fact that I’m ridiculously disgusted by germs and have a problem imagining a very large person sweating on the mat before me and it grosses me out. Crazy.
So I’ll come home and refuse to think about wasting my life anymore at that awful place and I’ll make Cake Batter Cookiewiches simply because I want to reward myself for a job well done and also because I need to comfort myself because of the torture I self-inflicted.
While they’re technically cookies, they’re made with Funfetti cake mix and sprinkled with white chocolate chips which gives them a yummy cake batter-y flavor I LOVE. Then I mixed a couple teaspoons of yellow cake mix into the canned buttercream frosting which gave a nice, subtle cake batter-y hint to my frosting. Totally genius.
So if you’re thinking you need to out-do the pretty models at VS yet again, make sure you eat at least six of these sandwiches. Those girls are probably serious piggies and you are the champion of the world.
1 box Funfetti cake mix
1/2 cup oil
3/4 cup white chocolate chips
1 can vanilla frosting
1-2 tsp yellow cake mix (just the powdered mix, NOT batter)
Rainbow sprinkles, for garnish
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease two cookie sheets with cooking spray, then blot excess with a paper towel. Set sheets aside.
2. In a large bowl, mix together the cake mix, eggs and oil with a rubber spatula or spoon until a soft dough forms. Stir in white chocolate chips. Portion dough evenly, about 1 heaping Tablespoon (I use my cookie dough scoop) about 2″ apart on the greased sheets. Bake for approx. 10-12 minutes, rotating baking sheets halfway through cook-time, until cookies are lightly golden brown and set. Allow to cool about 5 minutes on sheets before transferring to wire racks to cool completely.
3. Meanwhile, stir 1 to 2 teaspoons of dry powder cake mix into the canned frosting (add more or less to suit your tastes; I wanted only the most subtle flavor) and stir to combine. Spread the flat bottomed side of one cookie with a heaping teaspoon of frosting, then gently sandwich a flat bottomed side of another cookie to the frosted side, to form a “sandwich.” Roll the sides of the frosted cookiewich in sprinkles, if desired. Store airtight, but I recommend eating immediately.
Yeah, they are. It’s been proven.
Have a great Thursday!