I always think that, if I had lots of money at my complete disposal, I’d know exactly what to do with it. But this is only a half-truth.
I really have no idea what I’d do with a bunch of money. I certainly wouldn’t spend it on stupid people, that’s for sure.
I’ve never come into a large sum of money, but I know plenty of people–even so-called “friends” who would suddenly become a lot friendlier if they knew I was wealthy.
“Soooooo, Hayley, what have you been up to lately? Getting a lot of money? That’s soooooo awesome, really! So, you know my sick grandma? Yeah well she needs some money to replace her hip. No, she didn’t die two years ago, that was my other grandma. No, she had two names: Susan and Beatrice. They’re not two different people at all, why would you say such a thing…?”
Or, “that’s soooo neat that you came into some money! Good for you! Oh, yeah, well you know, I’m working two part-time jobs trying to make month’s rent… it’s hard living on Ramen every night… I’ve gained weight. I wish I could be a housewife. I love your baking, I really do… Wouldn’t it be cool if I could bake like you? Too bad I can’t afford supplies… or cable to watch Real Housewives.”
Those leeches would go straight to what gets me most: baking and Real Housewives. I know them too well.
Sometimes I wonder if I would turn really snobby if I were rich. You know those people. They tote teacup sized dogs in large designer purses, wear huge sunglasses in an attempt to pretend they’re famous, and have lots of crystals on the asses of their jeans. They also drink fine wine, have fresh flowers delivered to their immaculately designed homes and get mani-pedis twice a week. And shop at Whole Foods. Man, I love Whole Foods, but sometimes I’m like wtf am I doing here, I am poor.
I would thoroughly enjoy strolling through some fancy farmer’s market a couple times a week, picking up aged cheddar and a 20-year old shiraz like I know what I’m doing. I’d also really enjoy having useless furniture in my house, like a chaise lounge, or having rooms in my house with no purpose, like a foyer… just so I could be the snob who says, “Oh yes, dahling. You can leave your fancy trench coat in the foyer on the chaise. Isn’t it mahvelous? Chip (Chip would obv be my snobby husband) and I got it in Paris last winter.”
Okay, maybe I wouldn’t be that snobby. But in their defense, chaises are really cool.
And I’m positive many un-snobby people have them–but really, WHAT do you use them for? Certainly not lounging.
The only thing I’m particularly snobby about is grammar.
I’m an English major, but even without that title, I simply do not understand why people cannot spell. Or use proper grammar.
Should we go back to grade school when we’re taught our “your” and “you’re”‘s? Because seriously, insulting someone or speaking with a “your” when you mean “you’re” is pathetic.
Or when people misuse their “they’re,” “their,” and “there.” THEY’RE idiots because THEIR brains cannot comprehend that THERE means distance; THEIR means possession; and THEY’RE means ‘they are’.
See? It really required a lot of energy and brain power to understand.
Phew, I’m ready for a glass of aged wine and some cheese. Where’s that grape-feeding maid when I need her?
But seriously, if I had oodles of money, I’d like to think I’d spend it wisely. And by ‘wisely’ I mean vacationing in Europe three times a year, shopping to my heart’s never-ending content three times a week and investing it wisely to earn me even more money.
And I suppose I’d donate some to charity so people wouldn’t get all huffy that I’m some snobby beeyatch with a chaise lounge. No one likes to be bothered with furniture matters.
Anyways, the idea of these brownies sounds quite luxurious, if I do say so myself. One, because typically, fresh raspberries cost an arm and a leg. Lately, however, they’ve been decently priced in my area, causing me to stock up whenever possible. Two, because any time you pair fruit and chocolate, people get all antsy that something fancy is going down. And three, because even if you have a skinny pocketbook like I do, we all deserve to feel sophisticated and snobby and rich, even if we don’t have crystal asses or even know what the hell ‘shiraz’ is.
Raspberry White Chocolate Brownies
1 box fudge brownie mix (I used Betty Crocker), plus ingredients on back of box
1 clamshell (small carton) of fresh raspberries or about 1 1/2 cup frozen and thawed raspberries
1/2 cup white chocolate chips
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease an 8×8 or a 13×9 inch baking pan (your choice if you want thicker or thinner brownies–I did mine in a 13×9). In a large bowl, prepare brownie batter according to package directions. Stir in rinsed (if fresh) raspberries and white chocolate chips; gently combine into batter.
2. Pour batter into prepared baking pan and bake according to package directions based on which pan size you chose. Brownies are done with a toothpick inserted in the center comes out mostly clean or with no crumbs. Cool completely, then cut into squares and store covered in fridge.
Look at you, fancypants! Noshing on some fancy brownies in your foyer… or on your couch, whatever.
I mean, if we’re being completely honest, I ate mine standing up. So a couch is even classier than inhaling it upright. But who are you to judge me, right? We’re all classy here…
Chaise lounge or not.