In this episode of Fashion Fridays, I’m introducing a brand new segment called WTF(ashion) where I dissect some of fashion’s not-so-chic moments. This idea came to me as I was browsing Anthropologie’s Sale section online and saw some questionable looking items that I figured were as unwanted as they were ugly — very.
However, keep in mind that one person’s WTF is another person’s MAJOR, so perhaps you’ll find something you totally can’t live without or would totally buy/rock/love throughout these segments. If that’s the case — more power to ya, buddy. I certainly know that there are folks who balk at my sense of style and who would never, ever display Lalaloopsy dolls in their bedroom.. and I totally get if that ain’t your cup of creepy tea. So while we rejoice in laughing at these ridiculous items, let’s also keep in mind someone may like them… and that’s okay, too. Just please, don’t gift them to me, mmkay? I have enough goat-hair brushes, thanks.
In this edition, we dissect the sale section at Anthropologie. If you’re unaware, Anthropologie is a women’s clothing and lifestyle store featuring clothes that epitomize the word ‘dainty’, have an artistic dash of panache, and an incredibly steep price tag. Their housewares, for the most part, are sweet, chic and kitschy – think handpainted measuring spoons, dog-shaped cookie jars and beautifully etched wine glasses or bamboo spoons.
The Anthro women can best be categorized into three separate categories. The first is the Crazy Anthro Chick. She’s the one who practically lives at the store, is the kind of person who would light an orange peel on fire for the “smokiness” it adds to a cocktail, and who solely keeps her dry-cleaner in business because everything she wears is hand-painted, beaded, or embellished and over $200. Then there’s the Cool Anthro Chick who respects Anthro’s offerings but doesn’t go for the crazier stuff. She likes pairing a flowy blouse with a pencil skirt, is responsible for bringing those huge, bauble-y statement necklaces in style, and enjoys houseware projects where you paint old furniture mint and use different types of knobs to make it “chic.” And lastly, there’s the Poor Anthro Chick, aka myself, who just wanders around gasping at the price tag and basically only goes there to buy colorful ramekins because they’re only $2.50 apiece.
The following is pretty much what the Crazy Anthro Chick would justify spending over $1000 on because it’s fashion.
First up, this $78 dustpan. Let that sink in for a minute: a nearly $80 dustpan. First of all, I’m hard-pressed to believe anyone who drops almost $100 on a freakin’ dustpan will actually use said dustpan. Second of all, who are we trying to impress with said dustpan? Your hipster-vegan friends with whom you get green juice with at the local Whole Foods? Do they come over and proclaim, “Oh my god, I just love your dustpan! It’s so chic and vintage, unlike those peasant dustpans from The Home Depot.”
If, perhaps, dustpans aren’t your jam, Anthro offers this goat-hair brush for a whopping $62. I’m pretty confident my dusty-as-hell lampshades are probably cleaner than anything I dusted with goat hair. Have the people at Anthro seen goats? They smell like poop and they’re dirty because they live in dirty and eat garbage. While I can appreciate this handcrafted, artisan brush made with the finest of goat hair, actually.. I can’t.
Have you ever looked at your table and thought, “I hope my poor table isn’t getting sunburned.” Me too. If you’re worried that your inanimate object is being scorched by the sun’s harsh rays, this Canopy Table is for you. At just $2000, you can essentially purchase an IKEA-quality table with a freakin’ parasol on top. That’s right, your table has a parasol because that makes perfect friggin’ sense. Don’t cover your burning table with a regular ol’ tarp like poor people do; that’s just so un-chic.
Sometimes, when I’m lying in bed at night plagued by the thoughts of my dreaded, boring white walls, I dream of a decorative tassel to hang up that conveys how multicultural and artistic I am. And alas, my sleepless nights ended when I found this tassel. For $250, I could finally own the wall tassel of my dreams. Constructed of rope and what appears to be tie-dyed tissue paper, when my friends ask if I picked this treasure up from a village woman on my trip to Africa, I can just smile and say, “nope, I got it at Anthropologie.”
Have you seen those hipster teenagers in the mall wearing those spirit animal hats? You know, the ones with the long ear flaps that usually come in bright colors like they’re some kind of My Little Pony outcast? Have you ever looked at them and thought, I want to look like that but significantly more terrifying? Well now’s your chance. This Leopard Hat looks like you just skinned Simba alive, which is kind of what fashion’s all about. Made of felt that looks like it’s covered in belly lint, this chic hat will turn heads in all the wrong ways. You’ll probably be wanted on the WWF’s list of poachers since you look like you singlehandedly slaughtered a lion cub for this terrible fashion hat. But at least you’ll look great, right?
If slaughtered lion ears don’t make for great hats, then Wild Beast hats definitely are your option. Look like a demon unearthing from the underbelly of hell in this delightfully creepy hat made of the matted dreadlocks I extract from my hair when I shower. Scare children and collect souls as you stroke the scratchy horns on your head in public, casting spells with your newfound demon knowledge. The best part is, you can look like your favorite character from the mystical pages of Where The Wild Things Are, except profoundly sadder as you’re an adult who spent $1000 on a hat made of matted hair.
I can count the number of times I went to a petting zoo, saw an alpaca and thought, I want its head. That would be zero times. However, there’s probably some blood-thirsty Anthro chick out there somewhere longing for an alpaca head of her own to wear, a la Hannibal Lecter. And for $3200, you can now own a faux-alpaca head to wear around and scare the neighborhood kids. As you slip this matted alpaca-fur mask over your face, you’ll suddenly feel the magical alpaca powers bubble through your body, possessing you from the inside out with ancient alpaca secrets and knowledge. And really, what’s $3200 for priceless alpaca secrets?
I remember reading Cat in the Hat as a child and loving Dr. Seuss’ whimsical rhymes and lovely illustrations. I do not, however, remember the forgotten chapter at the end whereupon Cat was massacred and his hat was turned into a bloody vase being sold at Anthropologie. This perfect trinket has the whimsy of Dr. Seuss with the fear of murder wrapped up into one precious piece of art for an astounding $1400. As you run your fingers along the bloodied stripes of this vase, you’ll remember why you bought a freakin’ $1400 vase: because you’re batshit insane.
A reviewer on Anthro’s site said, “guests ask me all the time: ‘what the heck is that?'” Sold. If you, too, are looking for a vase that will have your guests questioning your mindset, this is for you. Fashioned to look like a heart that’s gone through the garbage disposal, it has everything an actual anatomical heart has: electrical tape accents, blue squiggly junk all over the place, spikes, and is a pleasant grey color that’s known to bring softness and calmness to a room. Use it to store herbs, flowers, souls, whatever. It’s only $1400, so you’re kind of stupid not to buy it.
And last but not least — for you geography buffs out there — this Easter Island-shaped ping pong table is calling your name! Shaped to look like Easter Island, this fashionable and geographically-accurate ping pong table will be the talk of your game night when your guests ask why the eff you spent $12,000 [there’s no typo there] on a table shaped like Easter Island. Pretend you’re the ruler of this remote, inhabited island by playing a nice, old-fashioned WASP-y game of ping pong on top of this historical piece of land.
So… are any of you inspired to shop? Look like an alpaca? If so, let me know I’m clearly not fashionable and am missing the artistic point. Or feel free to leave some links below. Thanks for reading!
WTFashion is a parody piece, obviously. It isn’t my intention to offend anyone, any brand, or anything in particular except to poke harmless fun at products that I deem silly. Anyone who is offended probably wears alpaca hats. If so, I’m sorry — that you find those hats cute.