I have seen WAY too many crime shows of jovial electricians turning into deadly murderers when you least expect it.
So you can imagine my disappointment and fright when my mom informed me that a plumber was coming to our house and I would be home alone with him. I quickly hid random knives around the house in unexpected places just in case and predialed 9-1 on my phone so I’d be more than ready when I needed to dial that additional 1.
And just like in the movies, some seemingly-harmless dude showed up and I had to let him into my home and show him to the toilet. Like the majority of non-murderous plumbers would do, he went straight to work and I hesitantly sat at my computer with the phone nearby, ready to dial that 1 at a moment’s notice knowing very well that this whole “nice dude plumber” thing was probably an act and I’d be clubbed over the head with a pipe wrench any second.
Little did I know that my seemingly murderous plumber was actually not so much murderous as he was, er, curious. Instead of sneaking up behind me and striking me dead, he walked confidently into my kitchen and turned on the sink. As he checked the water pressure, he casually asked me, “so, have you ever seen the show Sister Wives?”
I responded with something along the lines of “ew, oh my god NO, that show is *bleeping* disgusting” to which he replied (rather defensively), “why do you think it’s so disgusting?!” I explained that the idea of polygamy is crazy and gross and demeaning and I do not agree with it and he began to tell me about how his friends are swingers and how he thinks swinging is ‘cool’ and how he thinks it’s interesting that polygamy and polyamory is becoming more widely accepted and didn’t know why I wasn’t a fan of either.
No. Freakin’. Shit. This conversation legitimately happened in my kitchen. With a stranger plumber that reminded me of a giant sociopathic Teletubby.
So instead of dialing my precious additional ‘1’, I decided to text my friend Sarah to come over instead. A) because Sarah lives right around the corner, and B) because she grew up in South Sacramento where it’s super ghetto and once beat the crap out of some mugger with padlocks hidden in her hands. Sarah came right over which made the molestery polygamist plumber man mad because she had intervened on his plans to kidnap me to his scary cult compound to become his 8th wife.
It wasn’t until he had to show me some drainage pipe outside that he took the opportunity to very sheepishly ask for my phone number. My normal response to weirdos asking for my number is to reply that I’m seeing someone (which is kind-of true as I do spend a lot of time with Dr. Reid on Criminal Minds…well, watching him on the show, anyways) so I blurted it out without thinking that clearly this response wouldn’t jive well with someone who believes that having 3498723 wives is kosher, so what’s another non-existent boyfriend? But to my relief he took the bait and refused to acknowledge me after I shot him down in my driveway while he hosed sludge out from our pipes. It was, quite possibly, the shittiest way to turn down someone — literally.
So anyways, after the incident and narrowly escaping my dreaded fate of becoming a sister wife, I went out and had a beer as a toast to my survival. And then I shoveled these Cookie Dough Seven Layer Bars in my face because I deserved them after my crazy afternoon. I’m so happy I lived to try them because they were so incredible! Like, if you open the dictionary to ‘gooey’ you’ll see these bars. They are out.of.this.world & you must try them — they’re the key to your survival!
- 1 box yellow cake mix
- ½ cup oil
- 2 eggs
- ¼ cup brown sugar
- 1 pkg refrigerated chocolate chip cookie dough, roughly chopped or torn apart (such as Pillsbury)
- About 15 chewy chocolate chip cookies, roughly chopped
- About 15 Cookie Dough Oreos, roughly chopped
- ⅓ cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
- ⅓ cup white chocolate chips
- 1 (14 oz) can sweetened condensed milk
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line a 13x9" baking pan with foil, extending the sides of the foil over the edges of the pan. Mist the foil lightly with cooking spray and set aside.
- In a large bowl, combine the cake mix, oil, eggs and brown sugar with a rubber spatula until a soft dough has formed. Press the dough evenly into the prepared pan and bake for 10 minutes.
- Top the par-baked base evenly with the cookie dough, chocolate chip cookies, Oreos, chocolate & white chocolate chips. Drizzle evenly with the can of sweetened condensed milk and return to the oven to bake for 15-20 minutes, or until the center appears set and the top is golden brown and bubbly.
- Allow the bars to come to room temperature and cool completely before cutting into squares. Serve warm or room temperature, bare or topped with ice cream! These keep well at room temperature when stored airtight, up to one week.
Have you tried those new Cookie Dough Oreos yet?! If not, you must pick up a package. Lately Oreo’s been on the money with their limited edition fun flavors — I haven’t met one I didn’t like and the Cookie Dough is no exception. Personally, I think they taste identical to cookie dough — brown sugary, rich and spiked with vanilla, then paired with the crunch of the chocolate wafer cookie. It kind of has a coffeeish undertone to it which makes it taste more well-rounded and deepens that flavor but doesn’t push it into mocha territory. So you can imagine that upon trying a handful of these fun flavors, I HAD to make something with them and these bars immediately came to mind. They taste just like a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie: chewy, slightly underbaked, SUPER gooey and oh-so scrumptious. You won’t be able to stop at just one bar!
Have a fantastical day!!