You know those hella dumb horror movies on the Sci-Fi channel? The ones with predators like sharknados and pirahnacondas? And you watch it in the safety of your own home thinking, these movies are so stupid! Who would believe that there would be a tornado full of blood-thirsty sharks?!
Well to that I would have to say — have you ever had a manager that was reminiscent of a rabid naked mole rat? Because I have. And dude, it would be the PERFECT scary movie. Because while you’re living it, you’re like “OMG, this sucks, my manager is a legitimate mole rat” but when you’re fired (aka, you’ve escaped from the rabid naked mole rat’s evil powers), you’re like “wow, that was stupid. I’m so glad I was not born with her face” and you continue to live your life happily and rat-free.
Just picture this: an office full of innocent employees, constantly tapping away at their computers for a government website that does not work 99% of the time, thus forcing said employees to do other miscellaneous work/talk about sugar daddy websites/make fun of supervisor’s garish tops. Everything is dandy until… NAKED MOLE RAT EMERGES. Naked Mole Rat, aka Swamp Witch (because she looks like a creature from a swamp out of the hairy armpits of hell), begins skulking toward your unit. QUICK! Take cover in your cubicle!
Swamp Witch hovers over your desk and makes some condescending, backhanded comment about your sweater and how it’s “bright.” You sit there staring blankly back at her, wishing you could torch every scraggly hair on her Cousin It head. Thankfully, Swamp Witch is allergic to fashionable attire, genuinely nice people and reality, so when you mention the website is down in a polite voice while wearing your awesome vintage Betsey Johnson pterodactyl sweater, she begins to shrivel up (…oh wait, that’s just the way her face naturally looks…) and disappears down the hallway into her crusty office.
There, she devises plans to make our unit miserable. She cackles over her keyboard and sends us no less than 53412 emails a day, all of which are basically reminders that the website is not working. She then spends the majority of her time bossing our unit around to get an inordinate amount of tasks done while she sits away in her office picking at her warts or whatever abominable creatures like Swamp Witch do for fun.
When she doesn’t get a result she likes from her loyal unit, she sends her swamp rat minions out to boss us around and scare us into doing our jobs so they can continue to sit around like headless chickens and learn how to process a single thought, like, why am I here? or why am I being bossed around by a woman who looks like a naked mole rat?
Anyway, in the last death-fighting scene, one of your coworkers goes up to confront the evil Swamp Witch and is sent back with a box to pack her things in. Swamp Witch beckons you next. You follow her and her squeaky, gnarly clogs back to a corner office where some chain-smoking woman with a bouffant lets you know that you are losing at being a Swamp Witch Bitch and that you will be leaving the island tonight. To which you kind of just chuckle because this is hardly defeat — it’s victory!
Swamp Witch scuttles alongside of you and offers you a box to pack your knives and go. You will not be America’s Next Top Naked Mole Rat Bitch. Time to go home where you can sleep soundly in your bed and never, ever go back to Elm Street where your boss looks like Freddy Kreuger, if Freddy looked like a rabid naked mole rat who wore long black coats and had a mane of clumpy hair that has most certainly never been touched by a single drop of shampoo. But the face — yeah, Freddy’s face is pretty much Swamp Witch’s spitting image. Or this. < — in fact, that may be the exact image they used for her employee badge.
Anyway, we could always eject her into outer space and see what happens. I hear Black Holes aren’t discriminatory when it comes to eating up crap in the universe.
Then the movie ends and the credits begin rolling and you’re like, holy shit, this is my life and I really DID survive having a naked mole rat for a boss! and then you celebrate by going out for dinner and drinks with your also-fired friend and then gorge yourself on Pecan Pie Blondies, aka, the winning food for victorious badasses like yourself.
This has nothing to do with Pecan Pie Blondies except for the fact that I’m now salivating for some. These were a real tastebud treat and were gone in SECONDS in my house. They start with my easy, foolproof blondie base — a chewy, brown sugary and buttery laced bar baked to golden perfection, mixed with actual pieces of pecan pie — and are topped with a sticky, gooey, chewy pecan pie filling, and studded all over with salty, crunchy pecans. If you love pecan pie, you’ll love these outrageously simple blondies — a great and easier alternative to the tricky holiday dessert!
- ⅔ cup butter, room temperature
- 2 cups dark brown sugar
- 2 tsp vanilla extract
- 2 eggs
- 1 tsp baking powder
- ¼ tsp baking soda
- Pinch salt
- 2 & ½ cups all-purpose flour
- 6 miniature pecan pie tartlets (found mine at Trader Joe’s), or about ½ of a standard prepared pecan pie, chopped into bite-sized pieces
- 2 cups chopped pecans, divided
- FOR FILLING:
- 2 Tbsp butter
- 2 eggs, lightly beaten
- ½ cup dark brown sugar
- ½ cup light corn syrup
- 1 tsp vanilla
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line a 9×9″ square pan with foil, extending the sides of the foil over the edges of the pan. DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP! Heavily grease the foil with cooking spray or butter; set aside.
- In a large bowl, beat the butter and brown sugar together with a handheld electric mixer on medium speed, until the mixture has creamed together. Gradually beat in vanilla and eggs, one at a time, until mixture is smooth. Slowly add in the baking powder, baking soda, salt and flour; stir by hand to incorporate into a thick batter. Stir in ONE cup of the chopped pecans and the bite-sized pieces of pecan pie.
- Spread the batter evenly into the prepared baking sheet. Bake for 10 minutes.
- Meanwhile, while blondies bake, in a medium bowl, whisk together the butter, eggs, brown sugar, corn syrup, and vanilla until smooth. Stir in the remaining ONE cup of pecans. This is your filling.
- Pour the filling evenly over the par-baked blondies. Return the blondies to the oven for an additional 15-20 minutes, or until the top appears mostly set and is golden brown. Be careful not to overbake, as the filling will continue to set as it cools. It is far better to pull it out when it’s slightly jiggly in the middle than completely solid!! Cool the blondies completely before cutting into squares.
These blondies are one of my family’s new favorites! They received such a huge response from my siblings and dad that I know I have to make them again for Christmas dinner! Blondies are already one of my favorite desserts for their richness, imparted from the molasses-heavy dark brown sugar and the buttery undertones. But when you top blondies with that quintessential gooey, chewy pecan pie filling — laden with salty, chopped pecans and that sticky butter-sugar-syrup mixture, it creates this caramelized, candy-like topping that is out of this world!! Plus, who doesn’t love PIE inside of a blondie?! Um, best idea ever!! And can I just say this is the perfect thing to nosh on while watching your scary horror-work movie in your head? What they say is true: revenge is awfully sweet
Have a fantastical day!!
*no actual mole rats were harmed in the making of this post.