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Key Lime Magic Bar Pie

keylimemagicHave you ever had a relationship from hell?  I’m sure if you’re a human and reading this, you probably have.

Whether he was that heart-throb in high school who turned out to be a total tool, or perhaps the lady who acted like the girl of your dreams for awhile.. until those dreams turned to living nightmares, I think we’ve all been there.

The good thing about these craptastic relationships is they usually teach you something vital about yourself.  Like, if your boyfriend always accused you of cheating on him, he was probably insecure with himself and the fact that you are secure.  Or if your ex acted less like an adult and more like a baby, maybe it says you’re the type that likes to nurture and to take care of someone.. but someone your own age, or you know, an actual kid that isn’t your significant other.

I’ve learned a lot of things from ex boyfriends, but the main thing I have learned from one relationship in particular is something I remind myself of everyday.  Shall I enchant you with a story?

Flash back to 2008.  I had just graduated high school, was working at a portrait studio part-time, and America’s Next Top Model was my favorite TV show.  I was also dating this guy — we’ll call him Macho Man — and I was totally head over heels for him.  We’d been together over a year by that summer of ’08, and I was pretty much convinced, like most naive 17-year old girls with pink hair who love ANTM, that I was going to marry him.

Oh, and before we proceed, let me clarify the ‘Macho Man’ name.  Macho Man was, well, a macho kinda dude.  He wore bro tanks that showed off his ripped triceps, braaaah and wore his baseball caps at a slight askew.  He also was obsessed with working out (like, he would do it on the daily for four hours a day and wouldn’t answer his phone during his workouts), ate nothing but plain chicken and exercise supplements and drank nothing but muscle milk which probably explained his gargantuan muscles, erratic behavior, and sudden taste in Iron Maiden.

Anywhoooo, one day I called him and he wouldn’t return my phone call.  I tried again.. and again.. and obsessively another 3472348 more times, per the usual paranoid-girl-standards, and he wouldn’t.pick.up.  Convinced his muscles had self-imploded, he’d choked on a chicken chunk or had been crushed by a free weight, I had a sleepless night of attempting to call him and trying to calm my nerves, to no avail.  Fiiiinally, the next evening (which equals 54981616541 years in girl-time), he called and said he’d “left his phone” somewhere and had just gotten it back. #redflag, but I wanted so desperately to believe that Macho Man, normally not the forgetful type, just had a random bout of amnesia and left his cellular device somewhere over the course of 24 hours.

But then things started getting fishy, like, he would continue to ignore my calls, and when he did pick up, he was aloof and curt.  I would ask him how his day went at work and he’d vaguely say “fine”, and then out of nowhere, told me about this homeless girl who had been hired there recently. #redflag2 I didn’t seem to put the equation of I rarely answer your callsI am a jerk on the phone and don’t say anything random fact about homeless girl = big trouble, together.

So, fed up with not having my calls answered once an hour, I drove my butt over to his house and demanded to know what was going on.  It was then that informed me we should probably break up because he was seeing someone.

Seeing someone?  I thought he was seeing me?  My mind began racing, heart began breaking, as I stood in his doorway, prepared for the rest of this information.

“So when you ‘lost your phone’, were you really seeing someone else?” I asked.  He nodded.  “Who is it?”  I asked.
“The new girl from my work,” he replied.  Wait.  Hoooooooold your horses, hombre.
“…the homeless person?” I asked.
“Yeah, her name is Candy,” he answered.
“So you cheated on me… with a homeless person?” I asked.
“Yeah.  Sorry about that.”

And that was the story of when my boyfriend cheated on me.. with a homeless person.

It was from this relationship that I learned that crucial information about myself: that I am awesome, and not homeless.  And I remind myself that everyday, because honestly, it’s a good thing to remember.  I mean, the fact that I am awesome and have a home are some pretty attractive qualities in a mate, but Macho Man was too hopped on testosterone pills and homeless-fever to see that — and honestly, it’s his loss.  I’m pretty sure he realized that when it sank in that he was dating a homeless person named Candy. 

However, like most people would be, I was shattered.  I definitely could have used some comfort food and Hayley of the Future to console me by saying, shhh, it’s okay.  Eat this delicious Key Lime Magic Bar Pie.  And also, she was homeless.  I mean, you’re going to milk so much out of this story in a couple years!!  Like, you’re going to tell it on the internet and get paid for it.  That’s awesome!!  So are you!  And you have a home!  Go, You!!

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Hayley of the Present wants you to eat this pie.  Take comfort in knowing that you too, are awesome.  And are not the other (homeless) woman.

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5.0 from 2 reviews
Key Lime Magic Bar Pie
Author: 
Recipe type: Pie
Prep time: 
Cook time: 
Total time: 
Serves: 8
 
This fantastic pie combines tropical flavors like coconut, key lime and macadamia nuts in the form of a magic bar. All that's missing is the beach!
Ingredients
  • 1 box Key Lime cake/cookie mix
  • 2 eggs
  • ½ cup oil
  • 1 tsp lime zest
  • ½ cup white chocolate chips
  • ⅓ cup macadamia nuts (chopped, if large)
  • ½ cup shredded coconut
  • ½ cup coarsely crushed cookies (I used coconut flavored cookies, but you could also use graham crackers)
  • ½ can sweetened condensed milk
Instructions
  1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Liberally grease a 9" pie pan with cooking spray and set aside.
  2. In a large bowl, combine the cake mix, eggs, oil and lime zest until blended. Press the dough into the prepared pan in an even layer. Bake for approx. 12 minutes.
  3. Remove the pie from the oven and immediately top with the coconut, white chocolate chips, macadamia nuts and coarsely crushed cookies evenly. Drizzle the sweetened condensed milk over the top of the pie to coat.
  4. Return the pie to the oven to bake for an additional 20-25 minutes or until the center is mostly set and the top is lightly browned. Cool the pie completely before cutting into wedges. Serve with whipped cream if you'd like!

I have to say, five years later, this pie makes up for the fact that I was cheated on.  And definitely makes me feel happy that I am fortunate enough to have an oven to bake it in.  And, you know, fortunate enough not to have a boyfriend who prefers homeless girls over me.

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The flavors of a magic bar–the coconut, nuts, chips and sweetened condensed milk–are transported from the typical bar shape into this fun and tropical pie.  The key lime base is bright and tart and is topped generously with all those different flavors and textures, providing sweet, salty and tart profiles in each bite.  You’ll love it!  All that’s missing is the beach.

Have a fantastic Monday!!

xo, Hayley

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. This pie looks freaking awesome. Like a combination of two awesome things, it is crazier than both!

  2. oh…my…GOD.

    I can’t even talk about key lime pie stuff right now because….a homeless girl named Candy? Is this real life?

    People are weeeeeeeird

  3. Well, that’s quite the pick-me-up after a long weekend — at least I’m not homeless. Guys with muscles like that make me uncomfortable just thinking about them, so I’mma go drown that awkwardness in some pie. This looks soo amazing.

  4. Really? A homeless chick? Did they makeout under bridges or something? That tops my two stories of dating dudes that had actually never broken up with their “ex” girlfriends. Oh yeah, I did that twice in a row – like hitting the douchebag lottery. I don’t even like Key Lime Pie all that much, but I DO like the looks of this.

  5. Your story reminds me of my own low standards when I was in my early 20’s; low standards for myself and for those I dated. Oh if I could do it all over again…

  6. I used to work with a guy a lot like macho man. He scared me, man. Just.. all those muscles. Eugh. I can’t get over that story though… what a great pick me up though, that you get paid to complain about your ex and remind everyone that we are awesome because we’re not homeless.
    This pie looks amaaaaazing!

  7. Whoa! This is so creative. I love it, Hayley!

  8. There is just absolutely too much to comment on…..

    First…. A homeless girl named Candy. Wow. I thought the recent “hey I’m dating someone else who is still married” was bad. But… a.homeless.girl.named.Candy. Dang.

    Second…. I love me some key lime anything and I’m currently in the middle of an obsession with magic bars. Please send some my way!

  9. Geez, could you please find out where these two fools are today and give us an update!! And this way better than key lime pie on a stick, which I thought was my favorite.

  10. Oh my goodness… a ripped guy, seriously? Those guys make me laugh the way they walk like they’ve got a whole bunch of bananas stuck up their own asses. When I was the same age, at 17, I once confided in a co-worker friend that was a friend of a married woman at work that had a ‘ripped’ boyfriend also at work. I said he walked as if he had a boat load of butt plugs up his arse. :lol: I later discovered that my so-called friend wasn’t actually my friend at all, and she has told the married lady what I said! She comforted me. I denied it naturally, but it was hilarious.

    But your key lime magic bar pie sounds abso-freaking-lutely delicious. A magic bar and a pie that’s also key lime flavoured? Sign me up, baby because I can’t think of a better way to comfort yourself from royal asshats. It was a lucky escape for you, and you’ve got to give him credit for coming clean. Most tools think they can have 2 [or more] on the go at the same time. But I’m laughing that he went for a homeless chick *shudders*. I hope he had a shower and clothes for her to change into *shudder again*.

    It wouldn’t surprise me to hear that he’s probably turned into a slob by now. One of those men that sits in front of the TV bossing his ‘bitch’ about, or sitting on the internet all day secretly chatting women up with a picture from his youthful ripped days. Ew, ew, ew.

  11. What a great idea turning magic bars into a pie

  12. Crazy story.. but delicious pie!!! =)

  13. You need to write a book because you have the best stories!
    You also have the best pies! Love this!

  14. I can’t believe you dated macho man for almost a year! Thank god, he ended things because you are way better off for it. And what parent names their kid candy? Sheesh. Your genius for putting magic bars into pie form. Genius!

  15. Hayley,

    Wow! What a story! I agree with Jessica, you should so write a book. Not only because of all your great stories but because of the great way you tell them :)

    LOVE, LOVE , LOVE the pie!

    xoxo,
    Michelle

  16. I just spit out my water reading this story. You are fantastic! Also, so is this pie.

  17. Boys suck. This pie, however, completes my life.

  18. Oh man. Homeless? Wow.

    Magic bar pie. Genius. Why have I never made one???

  19. Seriously? Homeless? Hhahah! Wow

    I love the pie :)

  20. ML Bishop says:

    I initially found your blog via a recipe link on Pinterest and I have quickly fallen in love with all of your recipes! Thanks for posting such awesomeneess. This key lime magic bar pie is definitely being made this weekend, holy moly.

  21. Ok I’m totally sorry that all happened but your spin on it totally made me laugh :) Live and learn right? By the way love Key Lime and this looks Delicious!!!

  22. Wait… hold up.. Candy? Seriously is that like a real life name.. and cheating on your gf with a homeless girl, named candy for that matter, this shiz aint real life. You dodged a big ass bullet with that one sista! Loser ALERT!! Good thing now you can be like bitch suck it and eat my key lime magic bar pie… oh that’s right your a douche lord and I won’t give you any!! ;)

  23. I am making this! It looks amaze balls!!

    Your hilarious! :) I love your stories and writing xx

  24. Oh wow I’m obsessed with key lime so I’m all over these magic bars and then to turn it into a pie… I die! lol.

  25. Oh man, that is one awesome story! Boys (and they are definitely boys when they act like that!) are super lame sometimes. My college boyfriend broke up with me TWICE. Within a week. Because I was dumb enough to take him back the first time. Oh, and he also cheated with a random girl who worked at a Scottish goods store in Colonial Williamsburg. Weird, but not as awesome as homeless :)

    This pie looks phenomenal! I’ve had limes on hand to make a key lime something or other :)

  26. That me the best break up story I’ve ever heard Hayley! That boy was clearly an IDIOT and not even worth a second of your time. Okay. I’m still chuckling. Hold on. Oh yeah! The pie! I knew I was forgetting something – YUM! And PINNED!

  27. That’s a pretty good story – homeless girl named Candy, chuckle. My husband had this girlfriend years ago, who got into witchcraft stuff and really started believing that she was a witch. Then she left him for a guy who thought he was a vampire. I say they’re very well matched indeed :)

  28. Ohmahgosh, that story is INSANE! Though you’ve definitely got the upper hand from that story, what with not being homeless and being able to bake amaze things like this pie that I totally want to faceplant in. :) YUM.

  29. A homeless girl named Candy? I’m dying of laughter! And I love key lime anything, Hayley. This pie is so fun!! So many layers to love :)

  30. now that’s a story…homeless, and I find it strangely ironic that her name is Candy:) now this pie, well that looks amazing, but I too am in operation fit into any of my clothes…NOT going so well :(

  31. So many things going through my head while reading this! Like, that totally sucks when guys cheat and Candy the Homeless Girl? Like did she lose her stripping job and end up on the streets? And this looks divine! Thanks for the laugh even though I am sure it wasn’t funny at the time.

  32. OMG Hayley! You always have the best stories! I’m sorry your teenage heartbreak made me laugh…. but I knew this post was going to be good when dropped some ANTM into the post :)

    And of course, key lime anything is just amazing. I want to eat this pie right now!

  33. A-MAZ-ING! That’s all I have to say about that! :)

  34. Who hasn’t had a craptastic relationship?? haha. Once again, laughing out loud at this post. I have a friend who is obessed with key lime…..obsessed. He will love this!

  35. He dropped you for a homeless girl named Candy? Girl, he did you a favor for sure! I’m glad you got away from him and learned the valuable lesson of how awesome you are!!! Love this amazing pie…so many layers of goodness. Must.make.pie!!!!

  36. Braaaah hahahaha best.post.ever. except about you getting your heart broken but it sounds like youve moved on quiet well braaah. I seriously think we would totally be friends in real life in a not creepy way

  37. I can’t get over the fact that her name was candy. Talk about a #redflag.
    Gorgeous pie though! The kind of pie that makes all Candy problems go away.

  38. Oh well…his loss :( AFter all, he’s missing out on these bars!

  39. Stacy | Wicked Good Kitchen says:

    OK, I am convinced Macho Man made up this new girlfriend’s name. A homeless girl, named Candy? Or, is this a case of truth is stranger than fiction? I’m going with that…because, how could he be such a freakin’ tool? Boys. Hilarious to think if these two ever stayed together. Hahaha! But! This Key Lime Magic Bar Pie? LOVE! I adore everything Key Lime or Margaritas! Very clever recipe, girl! xo

  40. mmmmmmmm…. key lime is one of my faves! this sounds outrageously delicious! love.

  41. Wow….best. story.

    My ex didn’t know what the Grand Canyon is…..

    No, seriously.

    But your story definitely takes the cake! It must’ve been all the Muscle Milk.

    BTW, the pie looks fab! Can’t wait to try this one:)

    • thedomesticrebel says:

      DEFINITELY all the Muscle Milk.

      And uh, yeah.. the Grand Canyon would have been a dealbreaker for me, too. Lol that’s crazy!

  42. Love this recipe & the Macho Man story. Macho men are generally pretty much in love with themselves at any age (coming from a divorced single lady aged 60). I’d steer clear of anyone with big muscles ;-)

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