Ever since I got down to the nitty gritty about my personal life in this post, I have been SO touched by your continuing outpouring of support and love! I have received so many lovely comments, text messages, emails and Facebook messages from people all over the world baring their personal stories and offering anecdotes to get me back onto my feet again. I am SO amazed and SO very thankful for all of you–you’re AMAZING and one of the main reasons why I love blogging so much. Sugar just isn’t as much fun when you don’t have awesome friends to share with, am I right?
I also figured since I bared it all, you may be wondering how I’ve been holding up for the past couple of months. I’m happy to report I’m doing much better. January was a particularly hard month for me (despite the fact that it was my birthday month which I’m sure the universe will reward me with a substitute awesome month later on) just because I was battling with these crazy demons and trying to take one day at a time. Then I got sick, and then Jessie and I broke up, which kind of backtracked my progress a little and derailed me.
But I’m really trying to just take this one day at a time. I’m not going to win this battle in a day, and I certainly can’t act like putting a bandaid over it will do anything for me, so I don’t think those things. Some days are wonderful: I’m happy and things are going smoothly. And other times, I’m sad and anxious and in a really dark emotional place for no particular reason. I’m like an emotional game of ping pong. Play me and see which mood I’ll be in right now!!
As far as the nightmares go, they aren’t as frequent but they do still happen. About 3 times a week I have nightmares that we lose our current house and have to move back into our old house (which was a complete dump of a money pit that produced unnecessary stress). And in the nightmares I cry and cry and cry sitting in my old bedroom just begging my parents to move us back into our current house because it’s now what I call home. So I don’t know what that means but I hate it because I hate our dumpy old house and hate feeling like we’re stuck there again.
And when it comes to OCD, nothing has changed. Literally nothing. I am still in the throes of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Every day presents a new challenge to test my OCDness. What to wear, what to eat, what to bake… and all of the problems associated with making the decisions that follow. I know things like ‘what should I wear today?‘ sounds like a trivial issue, but to me, it’s life-or-death. If I choose the “wrong” thing to wear, bad things will happen. My day will take a vicious turn for the worst. Every decision I make is thoughtful and detailed to the point where I still spend an inordinate amount of time picking out the perfect accessories or wandering aimlessly down the aisles of the grocery store to desperately find the perfect thing to bake.
Believe me, the OCD is annoying, but in the end, I’m kind of thankful for its looming, anal-retentive presence. In a way, it keeps me on top of my game because anything less than perfect leaves me in shambles. It keeps me focused (albeit focused on the wrong things at times), and alert, but also gives me the right dose of pressure to push me to do things (bake things by deadlines, get out of the house at a certain hour, forced to deal with whatever “bad” decision will come from choosing the wrong thing which, surprise, is usually nothing).
My breakup with Jessie took a huge toll on me emotionally. Jessie is my best friend and we’ve been together for two years. Losing him was incredibly difficult because it wasn’t just losing my boyfriend, but my best friend as well. I don’t have many girlfriends, and I don’t even have a “best” friend except for Jessie. So when we broke up, I panicked. I had no one but myself. My best friend was gone. My boyfriend was gone. I just felt kind of vacuous, like an empty shell drifting around.
But things have improved in general and between us. We still text each other occasionally, and still joke around. We’ve hung out a couple of times which is comforting because I enjoy having him in my life. While it’s still super nerve-wracking being single (uh, hello, constantly worrying he’s out with another girl or he is getting annoyed with our texts), I’m still glad he’s here. Like my daily motto, I kind of just take it one day at a time. Monday I could be able to accept the situation and be content, but Tuesday I could be a complete sobbing mess. I’m looking forward to the days when my emotions won’t be so unpredictable.
After the breakup and during the plummet of my emotional rollercoaster, my sweet bloggy friend Kayle offered her apartment in New York City for me for a couple of days. I jumped at the chance because A) that’s an amazing experience; B) I super love Kayle and think she’s awesome; and C) so many wonderful opportunities could blossom from this. What if I find a job in New York and take it? What if, by some crazy chance, I run into Betsey Johnson herself and she makes me her muse? (Hey, it could happen). What if I realize everything I’ve ever known in California could be uprooted and magically planted in New York? If nothing else, at least I’ll have an awesome trip with Kayle I’ve never been to New York and I’m excited to try Katz’ deli and wander the beautiful city.
Today, at the moment, is a good day. So while I’m still enjoying it and while the sun is still shining, I am going to spend time with the number one dude in my life (my doggy, Mannie) and find a reason to be happy since there are SO many reasons out there (namely, right now, the fact that the sun is shining; I’m in my favorite flannel; and I just bought a bag of pretzel M&M’s).
Thank you again for your love and support!!