Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if Bravo showed up on my doorstep and asked me if they could film a REAL Real Housewives and I’d be in it. Granted, I’m neither a housewife, wife, or house, but if we could get past the semantics, I’m sure it’d be a hit.
Introducing Real Housewife of Rocklin:
“I like to have fun, but only before 9pm — I have to be on my game for work tomorrow.”
“I worked too hard on this clean house for dog hair and soda cans to ruin it now.”
“Money doesn’t give you class…it just gives you a panic attack when you realize you have none in your bank account.”
“Patience is a virtue, and I’m neither patient nor virtuous when it comes to dinner.”
Enter HAYLEY, real “housewife.” HAYLEY wakes up at 530 am every Friday morning for, you guessed it, grocery shopping. “If I go grocery shopping during the day, I become homicidal. Unfortunately, it isn’t within my imaginary-husband’s budget to afford someone to buy our groceries or cook our food. So I have to do it in between taking care of my son, Mannie, and making sure all of my family’s favorite shows are constantly being DVR’d at the right times.”
HAYLEY arrives at Walmart, her store of choice, at 6am on the dot. She wanders through the aisles purchasing stuff for dinners throughout the week. Among the items in her cart are gourmet ingredients for things like Lasagna (all conveniently contained within a box labeled ‘Hamburger Helper’), chicken nuggets (also known as what her family would subsist on if she wasn’t cooking gourmet dinners like Hamburger Helper), and frozen fruit, because dammit if Walmart thinks she’d actually spend $5 on a carton of fresh raspberries. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
HAYLEY runs into one of her employee friends, RINA, at the store. HAYLEY and RINA begin chatting about their plans for the day.
“Well, I have to go to work later, then come home and cook dinner,” HAYLEY says. “I mean, what 22 year old doesn’t cook dinner for her family? But afterwards, I hear Juicy Couture is having a sale so I am going to the Galleria to check it out.”
“That sounds like fun,” RINA replies as she scans a two-dollar bottle of Rose.
RINA finishes scanning HAYLEY’S family’s groceries and gives her the total. HAYLEY searches feverishly in her oversized purse for her COUPON BOOK. Within COUPON BOOK holds precious money-saving gems HAYLEY clips every Sunday. And HAYLEY is well aware she bought four cans of green chiles for some reason and HAYLEY knows she has a coupon in here somewhere. HAYLEY extracts a small stack of coupons and places them on RINA’S checkstand.
“You didn’t buy two packages of hot dogs, did you?” RINA asks.
“Yes! I swear I did because I knew I had the coupon so I purposefully bought the name brand!!” HAYLEY exclaims.
“And this coupon is expired,” RINA says with a note of sadness in her voice. HAYLEY curses under her breath for not checking the coupon dates, but also because she knew she had a coupon for that shampoo and bought it strictly because of the coupon which is now expired and that shampoo was like, $8 which is a total freaking rip off because it’s just HAIR and isn’t paying $30 every 8 weeks for a haircut ENOUGH?!
Later, HAYLEY is at the mall where she goes into JUICY COUTURE to check out their sale. HAYLEY is known for having what she calls NON-RICH-PERSON-DENIAL which means HAYLEY thinks she is rich and can afford even the deepest clearances at JUICY COUTURE but actually is friggin’ poor. Unbeknownst to HAYLEY, there is a dress in JUICY COUTURE she is able to afford by some act of magical generosity from the FASHION GODS. JUICY COUTURE senses HAYLEY’S denial disease and, to make her feel better, puts the dress in an unusually large bag so everyone in the mall will think HAYLEY is loaded.
HAYLEY exits the store only to cross paths with a woman carrying an even larger bag from LOUIS VUITTON. The woman looks at HAYLEY and gives a small smile as if to say, “that’s cute that you still shop at JUICY COUTURE. Good for you for staying within your budget.” HAYLEY goes home, watches Real Housewives of Beverly Hills while simultaneously shoveling chips in her mouth and drinking cheap wine from a TUPPERWARE cup. NEXT WEEK, HAYLEY tries bribing the people in the meat department at Walmart with cookies so they’ll lower the cost per pound of chicken. Do they really think money grows on trees? Why is chicken so frickin’ expensive? WHAT THE HELL.
And you should know, that somehow in my real housewifeness I managed to make some pretty damn elegant cookies, y’all. They have lavender in them which obviously is eaten by rich and fancy people, thus making you rich and fancy by associating yourself with lavender-desserts. You’re welcome.
1 box lemon cake mix
1/2 cup oil
1 cup white chocolate chips
1-2 Tbsp dried lavender flowers (yes, they’re edible), plus more for sprinkling, if desired
(Scant) 1/4 cup lavender syrup (I found mine at a local coffee shop by the brand Monin)
1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Line 2 baking sheets with silicone liners or lightly grease with cooking spray. Set aside.
2. In a large bowl, combine the cake mix, eggs, and oil until well blended. Stir in the white chocolate chips, lavender flowers and lavender syrup to combine.
3. Drop Tablespoonfuls of dough 2″ apart on the prepared baking sheets. Bake for approx. 10 minutes, rotating pans halfway through bake time, until centers are just set and cookies are lightly golden. Cool on the sheets for approx. 5 minutes before transferring to wire racks to cool completely. If desired, sprinkle tops of cookies with remaining flowers. Store leftover cookies airtight, at room temperature, up to a week.
I have a HUGE infatuation with lavender. I love it in my perfumes, in my bedroom, and even in my laundry detergent. When I spotted the Monin Lavender syrup, I couldn’t resist it and knew immediately I wanted to pair this delicate, floral flavor with bright and citrusy lemon. I have to say, it was a good idea! The lemon flavor is the forefront flavor in these buttery, tender cookies. However, there’s a subtle hint of lavender, thanks to the concentrated syrup and the flowers peeking through the dough. Don’t worry–it doesn’t taste like you bit into a lavender plant, but if you’re looking for a stronger flavor here, try adding a Tablespoon of more syrup at a time, or add more leaves. I just wanted something light and subtle.
And I just have to say, after baking these cookies on my Heirloom Cookie Sheets, I fell in love all over again with the bakeware! I didn’t even need to use a silicone liner OR grease the cookie sheet–I just dropped the delicate balls of dough onto the sheet as-is and baked with confidence. The results were perfection: no burnt bottoms, no messed up cookies–everything looked and tasted flawless, and cleanup was easy (yay!)! If you haven’t picked up an Heirloom yet, you should!
Have a wonderful day!!