How to Make People Uncomfortable Around Your Royal Rudeness at a Sushi Restaurant
First, arrive at the restaurant as if your parents own the place (spoiler alert: I am 99.9453654% they don’t). Make sure the entire time you never remove your cellphone (which appears to be surgically attached to your hand) from your ear. How dare those people say hello to you in Japanese. You’re on THE PHONE. Make sure you stick your phone out so those annoying a-holes know your conversation is of the utmost importance. Insist on sitting at the quiet sushi bar in the middle of the restaurant. You’ve heard from others that the acoustics are great there so everyone in a 20-mile radius is sure to hear your every breath.
Order a pink sake and a water with extra lemon. Make sure you never acknowledge the waitstaff in any other manner as they’re obviously inferior to you and your high-heeled suede boots. End your first phone call and impatiently order a salmon roll from the sushi chef who is hoping his knife will accidentally slip and somehow puncture your jugular since you’re being stupid.
While everyone around you is quietly holding personal conversations in their own space, interrupt their train of thought with your blaring Rihanna song ringtone–you know, the one where she moans about finding love in a hopeless place or whatever–and think to yourself how ANNOYING that song is and how you kind of wish Rihanna would go back to the Barbados.
Answer your phone call giddily and in a high-pitched, excited tone. Make sure this mystery person knows you are entirely devoted to this conversation by speaking loudly so others around you know not to disturb this important call. Giggle like a stupid bobblehead over dumb, petty “how was your day/I’m fine/How are you” convo. Then, say no more and get straight to the meaty junk of your public conversation.
“Yeah, she was like, married seven times and divorced a bunch. She’s a mess. She stabbed him. Yeah, and he’s like, part of this gang in a developing country, and his brother was shot by the gang. Those developing countries and those gangs are crazy.”
Be unaware that the girl with the glasses next to you is dutifully recording everything you say for a blog post.
“What? No, he’s an illegal immigrant. He’s been here for years illegally.”
Giggle some more.
“He can’t leave his daughter,” you say. “Because! If she goes with the mom, she’s in trouble. The mom is CRAZY. Her family is like, either on meth or in a mental institution. And so is she.”
Mumble on and on about this person on meth with an institutionalized family who is somehow related to the aforementioned gang member in a developing country who had been stabbed by someone that you know. Come up with this little number: *giggle giggle* “That’s the thing about duct tape!” *giggle giggle*
Giggle incessantly some more, and finish off the conversation and your pink drink with: “I don’t know, I’m a catch!!” Get up to pay your bill and stare at everyone with great hostility. Why are they staring at you? It must be your incredibly sexy, fringed, high heel suede boots. Continue talking with your weirdo mystery friend while the cashier takes your money and you saunter out of the building and into the night, probably to be stabbed by a gang member in a developing country who has been here illegally for years because his daughter’s mom is crazy because her family is in an asylum. I don’t know, the world is ironic. The end.
And remember! There’s always a stalkerish food blogger lurking to record your conversations for juicy blog posts. But I’d still like to know what that thing is with duct tape…
Later, once the sushi has settled, come home and stuff your face with some sugar — you deserve it after a night of vicariously living a real-life episode of Jerry Springer through a stranger in a sushi restaurant. The saccharine solution? Lofthouse Sugar Cookie Pie. This pie is otherworldly–it’s insanely sugary and sweet, chewy and buttery, crunchy and gooey.. and totally perfect.
Plus, it’s cookies and pie in one. I don’t know, I guess it’s a genius! *giggle*
Lofthouse Sugar Cookie Pie *chess mix (pie base) + idea adapted from Something Swanky’s Baltimore Bomb Pie recipe
1 refrigerated pie crust, room temperature
1 stick butter, melted
1/2 cup sugar
1 Tbsp all-purpose flour
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 pkg (10 or 12 count) frosted Lofthouse sugar cookies, cut into rough chunks
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Liberally grease a pie dish with cooking spray. Lay the pie crust into the dish, pressing gently. Top with the chopped frosted cookies in an even layer.
2. In a medium bowl, combine the melted butter, sugar, flour, vanilla and eggs with a whisk until smooth and blended. Pour the chess mixture over the cookies in the pie shell. Gently smoosh around the cookies and the chess mix so most of the cookies are coated with the mix. Crimp the edges of the pie shell, if desired.
3. Bake for 35-40 minutes or until the top + edges are golden and bubbly and the center appears set. Cool completely before cutting into slices. Serve with vanilla ice cream or whipped cream!
One word: insanity. That’s how I’d describe this pie. All that pink you see is the FROSTING from the cookies. OMG. The frosting melts and caramelizes, turning into this super crunchy, crystallized sugar shell over the top and in the crevices of the pie. The cookies retain their soft, tender bite but the tops get lightly toasted, giving the pie some texture. And that chess mix bakes up perfectly in between those buttery cookies, creating a gooey, sweet + rich batter reminiscent of Funfetti cake when paired with the chopped sugar cookies. This is definitely a decadent sugar-bomb of a dessert, but worth every bite!
Have a wonderful day!