A few days ago, I was reading the most recent issue of Glamour magazine when I stumbled across an article for “The $25,000 Workout.” Intrigued, confused and kind of angry that a workout in the world somewhere costs $25,000 (which basically means you’re paying more than a modest car to be tortured), I read more.
Apparently, if you do the circuit four times a week with cardio on your off days, you can lose weight and get trim in two weeks.
I just so happened to read this two weeks exactly from my birthday and thought if I could whittle myself a good, say, 20 pounds in two weeks, I’d be good to go. Happy Birthday to me!
I told my dad this plan and he looked at me crazy and said there’s no way I’d ever lose twenty pounds in two weeks and at the most, I’d lose a pound a week if I worked out really hard and ate better and whatnot. Then he gave me the “elevate your heart rate and keep it up” speech which I know, Dad, but something about raising my heart rate sounds unnatural and kind of scary. Like, I know high blood pressure is bad, so why is high heart rate good? Explain that, science.
But the whole time he talked I just imagined a scene in my head in which I wiggled into a size four dress and watched as it perfectly hugged every curve without making me look like an elongated sausage about to burst. I exited the fitting room to have flower petals thrown all over me, sales associates cheering and calling me a ‘fitness idol’ and a ‘true inspiration, both for fashion and fitness’ as I gracefully walked down the makeshift fitting room catwalk, magically twenty pounds lighter in two weeks.
Anyways, so I got to working out which basically consisted of me being put into disgusting, compromising positions on my living room floor looking like an animal and grunting like a wild beast, thinking that 45 seconds of ape squats was like, melting ten pounds off my thighs.
I kept up this rigorous ten minute workout for two days until… until… until my dog pooped on our walk and I bent down to pick it up, thus somehow cataclysmically straining my right kneecap in the process, which propelled me into a downward spiral of complaining and limping all the way home.
And dude, my leg has hurt since. It’s been like, four days now. And after researching “random leg clicking” and “kneecap pain” on the Google machine, I informed my family that it was highly likely I had shredded my meniscus (which sounds oddly like mucus), but they just looked at me and said I definitely did not shred my meniscus and probably just sprained my knee in some freak poop-picking-up accident that could only happen to me.
So long story short, I’m pretty sure I’ll be recovering from my gruesome kneecap accident for the next two weeks and will be unable to participate in $25,000 workouts or beast-noises. However, I’m hoping that since that workout costs $25,000, I could just get my money back or you know, lipo or something instead. Note: I did not actually spend $25K on a workout. Did you honestly think for that brief second that I did? Sheesh, I wish I had money to blow on stupid things. Actually, I do have money to spend on stupid things which is why I have no money currently. Yes, my bank account says $0.00. Not because of a gym bill. Hello, do I look like I would spend money on gym equipment? Don’t answer that; my muffin top and I don’t want to hear the truth.
During my recovery, I’ve regressed back to days when calories were nonexistent (childhood) and made a favorite snack into a fun, new treat. Introducing Oatmeal Creme Pie Truffles! These little pups are a cinch to make, are only 3 ingredients(!!) and taste exactly like those highly addictive snack cakes you can get at the grocery store. Plus, smaller things have less calories (science, y’all) so I’m pretty sure like, 15 of these truffles equals one creme pie. But you should never trust a food blogger with math equations.
1 box (approx. 6) oatmeal creme pies, unwrapped
3/4 pkg white chocolate candy coating (I use Candiquik)
1. Line a rimmed baking sheet with foil and set aside. Place all of the oatmeal creme pies in a large bowl.
2. Using clean hands, begin mashing the pies together to form a dough-like consistency. The mixture will naturally form into a ball shape. Using a cookie dough scoop or a Tablespoon measure, measure out Tablespoon-sized balls of truffles and place them on the cookie sheet. You should get a little over a dozen truffles (about 12-14).
3. Freeze the truffles for about 1 hour to stiffen. Once frozen and solid, prepare the candy melts according to package directions until smooth + melted.
4. Dip the truffles into the melted white chocolate with a fork, allowing excess chocolate to drip off. Place gently on the foil-lined baking sheet and sprinkle immediately with cinnamon sugar. Repeat until all truffles are coated.
5. Store leftover truffles airtight, at room temperature for several days, or in the freezer for several weeks, bringing to room temp before serving. As I said, this makes roughly 12-14 truffles.
These truffles taste sooooo good. That classically sweet, marshmallowy frosting in the middle acts as the “glue” for these oatmeal cookie sandwiches, providing an excellent background of sweetness to the chewy oatmeal cookie truffles. Plus, I love the sweet and spicy addition of the cinnamon sugar on top. It brings the whole thing together!