Let’s talk awkward situations.
You and I have been in them many times before, and we will continue to be thrust against our will into future awkward situations. It’s life throwing us a giant, hairy curveball and saying “oh yeah, smartypants? Out-awkward this one.”
Take, for instance, the ever-awkward conversation of being a human fish, roped in hook, line and sinker for an insecure person seeking validation with the ever-popular and heinously annoying question, “do I look fat in this?”
Ohmaigawd. Seriously one of the most annoying lines ever. However, at times, I’m guilty of saying this ONLY when I shop with my mom or sister and ONLY because they’re harsh critics when we shop for clothes and would tell me if something looked ill-fitting or made me look larger than normal (I’m looking at you, leggings).
How do you even respond to something like that? Granted, if they aren’t fat, it’s easy to brush them off with something like “your earrings look great” or “your hair looks really shiny right now” to distract them from their temporary dementia. But if they are truly, er, large–or have mentioned they love this top and truthfully, they kind of look like a penny hooker, then you’re in this awkward situation of sparing her feelings or being brutally honest.
But then there are those folks who make it a personal mission to put you as far on the spot as humanly and humanely possible, truly putting your quick comeback skills to the test with inane, irritating questions.
My personal favorite? The backwards complimensult.
Yes, the complimensult.
A disgusting combination of a compliment, and an insult.
Example: you arrive somewhere wearing a cute new sundress and are looking particularly fashionable and cute and you know it, dammit. The complimensulter is there and they greet you by saying, “oh my god, you look so cute! Your dress is adorable. Look at your skinny legs! Ugh, I could never wear something like that. Look at my legs! They’re so chubby! *hits legs to emphasize chubbiness; looks at you, invisible spotlight casting you in all-encompassing light*
Mmkay. This is where it gets tricky. If the complimensulter is actually chubby, there’s a problem. Saying “no” implies you’re a liar and will ignite into flames, per the old adage. Saying “yes” implies you’re a callous jerk, even if your intentions (honesty, shutting them up and being a vigilante for causing them temporary pain so they’ll never mention this to another human again) make you seem like a gigantic a-hole.
Seriously–what do you say?
Usually, I just smile awkwardly and give a half-assed chuckle, hoping something crazy will happen, like the roof will cave in or monkeys will start flying around in the backyard to distract me from the fact that karma seriously hates me and what did I do in a past life to deserve this?
Or when you go to someone’s house for a meal and you see something on the table that looks somewhat, er, unappetizing, and you desperately want to avoid it as if you know for a fact you’ll contract the bubonic plague after eating it, and the house guest is just terribly nice and wants you to please make sure you try some!! and watches you like some scary-food-watching hawk to make sure you eat it and eventually die.
You can’t very well say “that ambrosia looks like a zombie and I think I’d rather dine on kibble with my dog than touch that with my fork since I hear bubonic plague can travel through metal and thus infect anyone holding the said infected metal piece of silverware.”
So what do you do? Feign fullness with half an uneaten plate? Hope some risktaking party guest will gobble all the plague up?
Ugh. So you see, awkward situations are just that: awkward. There’s no one way to successfully skirt any one of these issues without you having an embarrassing story to tell a couple months after your flushed cheeks have died down, or after that poor party guest will be forever frightened by her own ambrosia recipe. It’s just not possible, people.
Know what is possible? Always having this ice cream at your disposal for when situations get tricky and you need a getaway.
Annoying person complemensult you? Give her some ice cream.
Freaky plague-makin’ house guest forcing gross food onto you? Offer her ice cream.
Granted, you’ll have to shlep ice cream around but at least you’ll have an easy and delicious way out. Guaranteed!!
This ice cream rocks. If you like Snickerdoodles, ice cream, guilt-free foods or are a fan for anything ridiculously tasty and less than 5 ingredients, you’ll want to make this now and hug your happy belly after you finish eating a cone.
1 tub (8 oz) Cool Whip Free, thawed
1 can fat free sweetened condensed milk
About 1/4-1/3 cup cinnamon sugar (depending on how spicy you want it)
1 cup snickerdoodle or tea cookies, coarsely crushed
1. In a large bowl with a fitting airtight lid, gently fold the Cool Whip Free into the sweetened condensed milk to combine.
2. Sprinkle in the cinnamon sugar and the crushed cookies, just lightly folding it in. Do not overmix.
3. Cover the bowl and freeze for up to 6 hours, preferably overnight. Store airtight in the freezer.
Have a great day!