Let’s talk car molesters.
Okay, let me clarify since you’re probably thinking “I came here for a recipe for oatmeal scotchie bars, NOT to hear about whatever ‘car molesters’ must be. Who is this girl?! She’s crazy and saying nonsensical things. I’m going to make a note to put a parental block on this site so my children will never be exposed to such insanity.”
But: car molesters. They suck.
Basically, they’re those people that ride your bumper for NOREASONWHATSOEVER except to be a jerk. I especially hate it when there’s someone going slower in front of me and the car molester behind me is riding my bumper like I can control the speed limit of the person ahead of me and can go faster or something.
I can’t control the car in front of me, and if I could, why would I? I’d obviously want to use my special mind-bending powers for cooler things, like controlling the clock or convincing the store clerks to give me discounts at my favorite stores.
I mean, I hate slow drivers just as much as the next person and am guilty of some serious road rage. But OMG, nothing irks me more than car molesters.
My car didn’t deserve to be molested by your front bumper. She didn’t do anything except be a relatively-loyal Chevy, just trying to get me from Point A to Point B responsibly and in a relatively speedy fashion.
She doesn’t need to be senselessly molested by your car. That’s just unnecessary, like cellphones for kids or vajazzling.
Anyway, most of the time when I’m being car molested, I try to keep cool and calm, since there’s no need to get all hysterical–it won’t stop them from molestin’ like there’s no tomorrow.
Instead, with my calmness, I like to occasionally push on my brakes to threaten the car molester that I will defeat you and you cannot outsmart my random breaking techniques or you’ll pay my insurance major bucks so I can buy a Lexus RX 350. And just to irritate them, I’ll stop extra-long to show them who’s boss because you can’t just let car molesters go unpunished.
And should I ever get into a fender-bender because someone was eager to molest my bumper? I’ll just tell the cops I was being vehicularly molested. And then the car molester will go to jail and pay me copiously in damages, including a lavish vacay to Paris and uh, my brand new Lexus RX 350 because I’m stupidly obsessed with that car. It’s just so luxurious.
Anyway, after travelling home from work (a good 20 minute drive) being car molested by some jerk in a truck, I finally was able to escape his bumper wrath and come home safe. There were several almost-instances where I could practically feel myself steering the soft, supple leather of my new Lexus steering-wheel as I drove to the airport, bags packed for a three-week long stay in a grand Parisian hotel, but eventually, my random breaking sequences paid off and he sped away like a car-raping demon in the night once we parted ways.
And then I made these Pretzel-Bottom Oatmeal Scotchie Bars because oatmeal scotchies are freakin’ awesome and make me forget about the poor, abused condition of my car.
And I mean, I considered (briefly) about feeding my car some of these bars, simply because they’re awesome and I figured my car would need some sweet & salty lovin’, too, but who feeds cars blondies? That’s whack. It was obviously my delusions talking after being seriously abused for 20 minutes straight by some Tacoma. So I stuffed my own face with the bars and pretended it never happened.
Oatmeal scotchie bars make great medicine.
1 box yellow cake mix
2/3 cup oil
1 cup butterscotch chips
1 & 1/2 cups (eyeball it) quick oats
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Liberally grease a 13×9 inch baking pan with cooking spray; cover the bottom evenly in a thin layer with the pretzel twists (doesn’t have to be perfect).
2. Meanwhile, in a large bowl, mix together the cake mix, eggs, and oil until a soft yet stiff dough forms. Stir the butterscotch chips and oats into the dough to combine.
3. Spread the batter evenly on top of the pretzels. Bake the bars for approx. 15-17 minutes or until lightly golden and center is set. Allow the bars to cool completely before cutting into bars and serving.
4. Store leftover bars airtight for approx. 1-2 days, at room temperature.
Oatmeal scotchies are one of my favorite cookies from childhood–so sweet yet salty, and chewy. I love the addition of crunchy pretzels on the bottom for an unexpected surprise. Now if only I had an unexpected SUV surprise in my driveway, I’d be set.
Hope y’all have a sweet Thursday!