So, a few days ago, my dad left for Boston on a half-work-related, half-vacation-type of trip.
He left the Saturday night and by Sunday morning, was sending me pictures of him drinking Bostonian beer.
Basically, he’s in heaven.
Before he left, we were lounging around trying not to die in the 106 degree heat, watching mindless television before he flew across the country. Naturally, before a 6-hour flight, we decided to watch some show about testy airline passengers and flights gone awry.
Because that’s what people about to fly need to see. Angry people, cancelled flights, and general chaos among America’s airports.
Anyway, we were delighted to hate this awful grandma in a wheelchair who was berating and screaming at this helpless airline worker because the crazy old bat missed her flight even after the airline called her name repeatedly over the loudspeakers. She even demanded the employee speak to her irate husband over the phone, to which the airline employee had to appear as calm and nice as possible while the husband probably begged the employee to “please cause my terrible wife to miss another 800 flights so I never have to see her creaky ass again.”
It just disgusted me because, if you’re anyone who works with the general public, you know the general public sucks. Like, majorly sucks. Like, they’re totally awful people. And you have to suck up those feelings of wanting to get all Bad Girls Club on that crazy grannie because if it weren’t for the name badge and required uniform, bring it on.
It made me recall days of when I worked at a senior portrait studio. It was my first job, I was making well above minimum wage, and thankfully worked in an air-conditioned office during the blazing summer heat. Basically, I had to call lists of students from all the high schools in the area because if they didn’t have their senior portraits taken with our company, they would not be in the yearbook.
(Sidenote: try explaining portrait packages to people who don’t even speak English and then proceed to scream at you in Russian, Ukrainian and Spanish. At least I had no idea what they were saying, so I just pretended there was a bad connection and hung up on them).
Anyway, most people obliged whether they liked it or not. Usually, the richer schools were a cake walk since all the “cool moms” were amped about spending over $1000 on senior portraits and had no problem booking the most expensive packages. However, some people were quite unhappy with the fact that “we are forced to go through your company” and would give me an earfull about how it’s unfair and disgusting and I was awful and blah blah blah.
But what I never understood is why people took it out on me. It always sickens me when I see people taking their frustrations out on employees because duh, we’re just employees. We have very little power, hardly any say, and obviously don’t sit around in the breakroom casting spells and writing insane company rules, chuckling over a boiling cauldron saying “man, this will REALLY screw with their minds!!”
People would get all psycho-parent on me, screeching about how they’d just take their own child’s portraits and whatever; I tuned out after awhile and wondered whether they actually believed I cared about their pimply-faced teen getting photographed or not.
This may be surprising, but I slept at night. I know, right?! You’d think I’d be up stewing, my stomach in knots, wishing and hoping there’d be some kind of justice in this senior portrait situation. Perhaps a vigilante would appear in the night mist, breaking into local high schools to change to rules about senior portrait protocol and then finally, everyone could sleep because justice would be served.
Uh, no. I’m pretty sure most people breaking into high schools aren’t looking to seek out justice in the yearbook department. They’re probably stealing lab rats and computers. Damn teens and their screwed-up priorities!
Likewise, when I worked at the cupcake factory, I’d get all sorts of hell from customers complaining about… cupcakes. Dude, no one should bitch about cupcakes, especially in a store that plays Michael Buble and is cotton-candy pink. It’d be like throwing a rap battle in a baby nursery. Just double-yew-tee-eff, people.
“Well, WHY don’t you have any more red velvet?! You’re a cupcake store. You should always have red velvet in stock. This is insane. I come in five minutes before you close on your busiest day, and I fully expect you to be completely stocked of all your flavors because this world was created just for me and after you box my cupcakes I’d like you to wipe my ass because I can’t seem to see you as anything but a measly employee that’s obviously lower on the human totem pole than myself.”
And I’d be like “dude, they’re cupcakes. I’m pretty sure your fat ass doesn’t need any. And also, red velvet sucks. It’s like an awful combination of chocolate and vanilla, except dyed red so it’s novel. But I’m pretty sure I don’t need to go into the science of red velvet or why you’re a crappy human since you’re too thick to understand, so basically I’ll just stare at you really creepy-like and hope you’ll threaten to never come back.”
But I’d really be like, “oh, I’m terribly sorry. We were so busy today and red velvet is the most popular! May I offer you a coupon to return tomorrow when it’s back in stock?” Meanwhile, my mouth would be dripping with honey and I’d look like a rabid Winnie the Pooh because even my saccharine fakeness was disturbing.
And then they’d say mean things to me, like I planned this all along, and storm out and speed off like some psychotic demon person in the night, and I’d close up the shop and go eat some cookies because after spending a day in a cupcake store blasting Michael Buble (equally as awful as red velvet cupcakes, btw), I’d want nothing more than to come home, cuddle up with something sweet and crunchy, and watch crappy TV while I mentally concocted more ways to personally ruin people’s lives since that’s what us employees do.
We ruin your life.
So, per standard, I’m ruining yours now. Well, technically not, because I love you–no seriously, I love YOU–but I am kinda screwing up your diet and I’m really sorry but then again, not sorry because these are freaking awesome and since I love you, I want you to know about them. You deserve it.
They’re Cookie Dough Stuffed Oreos and they’re ridic. I mean, straight-up, in your face, obnoxiously ridiculously DELICIOUS.
Let’s make some while we cast spells.
2 sticks butter, room temperature
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup smooth peanut butter
2 tsp vanilla extract
6-8 cups (give or take) powdered sugar
1 cup mini chocolate chips
About 36 Oreo cookies, opened up
1/2 pkg milk chocolate almond bark
1. In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the butter, brown sugar, peanut butter and vanilla until creamy and smooth, about a minute. Gradually add the powdered sugar, about a cup at a time, until frosting becomes thick yet fluffy. Yeah, you’re making a cookie dough frosting. Told you I loved you. Stir in the mini chocolate chips to combine.
2. Using a small cookie dough scoop, scoop out a cookie dough ball and gently place it on top of the frosted side of the cookie. Repeat until all the cookies have a dough ball on top. Carefully press the clean half of the Oreo cookie back on top of the cookie dough side, ensuring the cookie sandwich is secured.
3. Freeze the sammies on a foil-lined baking sheet for about a half hour or until chilled. Meanwhile, zap your almond bark in a small microwave-safe bowl until smooth and melted. Pour your chocolate sprinkles into a small ramekin for easy dipping.
4. Dip one side of the sandwich cookie into the melted chocolate; immediately dredge in the chocolate sprinkles. Place it back onto the foil-lined baking sheet and repeat until all cookies are coated & sprinkled. Allow them to set in the freezer for another 15 minutes or so before serving.
5. Store leftover cookies in a resealable plastic bag for about 3-5 days in the freezer, or about 1 day on the counter at room temperature.
**Note: I was totally gonna get all scratchy on you and make homemade eggless cookie dough. However, you’ll soon see I am using this frosting for another recipe this week [rhymes with 'shmonster shmupcakes'] and I loved the frosting so much I decided to whip up a second batch to make these. It’s thicker than most frostings, so it’s very similar to cookie dough and perf for these cookies. It also has PB in it, so if you’d like, leave out the PB completely and maybe add a touch more of brown sugar to taste.**
Oh and PS, if y’all ever see some nutjob talking smack to an employee, puhleeease speak up. It’s totally badass & you’ll be their hero.