My whole life I have been undecided in my career path.
I’ve thought about being a hairstylist, but only because I had cool hair… not because I necessarily wanted to do it.
I thought about being a makeup artist, but I only like doing my own makeup and also, I’m actually really crappy at doing anyone else’s makeup. Once, my mom asked me to do give her cat-eyes which you think I’d kindasorta be expert status in since I wear my eyes like that everysingledayofmylife but when I drew them on her, she looked like a depressed cabbage patch doll. I don’t know how that happened, but it happened. And then I blamed her eyelids on the fact that her cat eyes looked nothing like cat eyes and I’m prettyyyy sure you’re not supposed to tell the client their face is effed up and that’s why it doesn’t look right so I gave that idea up quickly.
I thought about being a lawyer or judge, but that would require more college and ugh, I really don’t want to deal with parking no mo’.
I thought about being a clothing designer and a model, but I don’t even know how to stitch on a button AND I like food and life too much to deprive myself of everything but celery (also: celery sucks) so basically I’m unfit to be either of those.
I like reading and writing, so I thought about being an author, too. But seriously? I have tried writing so many “books” and I really loathe introductions. Why do I have to explain my characters are neurotic drug addicted teens with boy issues? Why can’t I just throw the readers into these situations and figure it out themselves? God. It’s teen angst, people!! It doesn’t need introductions or explanations!!
And then there’s baking. If I had a dollar–no, a dime–for every time someone’s told me I should open a bakery, I would have enough money to technically open my own bakery but would instead spend it on frivolous, ridiculous things. Why? Because I worked at a bakery and I know how picky people can be. If it isn’t the exact shade of mint, people flip their sh*t like the apocalypse will happen in less than four seconds. And also, I did my own cupcakes and cakes on the side and had full-blown panic attacks during and after each order because I worried my frosting would melt or the cakes would be sticky and dude, no one should cry over cupcakes. NO ONE.
So a few days ago, I was ruminating over the fact that I’ll probably be a starving blogger forever when I became angry with a customer at work. And I thought to myself, man, I’d do anything just to punch them in the fricking face and it hit me (pun intended): I want to be a professional puncher.
Professional Punching is a legitimate business opportunity, like a hit man but only safer and less incriminating. Basically, you’d hire me to punch anyone you want punched in the face. I would storm in unsuspecting, smile politely at the guilty, and then sock them in the face.
People get all worried about hit men because murder is obviously illegal and people usually get touchy when their loved ones get killed. But punching someone in the face is different: you’re only temporarily causing pain and most people would be so flabbergasted as to WTF just happened?! that they wouldn’t even call the cops or anything because they’d be staring at each other dumbfounded for like, an hour while I escaped and grabbed a coffee and hit up Forever 21 on my lunch break.
I bet you’re wondering why don’t I just punch them myself instead of paying you to do it for me? You do want to keep your job/husband/neighbor/mother-in-law, right? If that’s the case, then may I suggest my services since I am both unsuspecting and a stranger to your friends, family and annoyances, and therefore, you won’t get in trouble because I right-hooked their face.
It’s a perfectly brilliant plan!! Finally, my passion for hating obnoxious people can be a lucrative career!!
The coolest part about this? After my realization a couple days ago, I raced home to tell my mother of my new job opportunity. You’d think most mothers would balk at the idea of their daughter being a professional puncher, but instead, my mom just asked me if I wanted any watermelon.
Do you want any watermelon.
She didn’t even discourage me. Didn’t even protest! Just merely asked me if I wanted watermelon. This career must be destiny.
And whatever, if it doesn’t work out, I still have my blog. I won’t forget about you guys. You guys rock. And I will still continue to post things like these yummy Golden Cookies n Cream Blondies because I need to bake up treats to counteract the violent face-slugging I’ll be doing from 9-5.
I got the idea for these blondies from Sally at Sally’s Baking Addiction. Have you been to her site? It’s amazing and I’m ridiculously, stalkerishly obsessed with it. She made these Golden Oreo Cake Batter Blondies and I nearly flipped my youknow and raced to the store to buy some golden oreos so I could make these blondies. For you. Because I love you and would never, ever punch your face.
Golden Cookies n Cream Blondies *inspired by Sally’s Golden Oreo Cake Batter Blondies recipe
2/3 cup butter
2 cups brown sugar
2 tsp vanilla extract
2 cups AP flour
1/4 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 & 1/2 cups Golden Oreos, roughly chopped/crushed
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Liberally grease an 8×8 inch baking pan with cooking spray and set aside.
2. In a medium saucepan, melt together the butter and brown sugar, stirring every so often, until melted and combined. Allow the mixture to cool slightly, about 15 minutes.
3. Stir in the vanilla extract and eggs, one at a time, to combine. Gradually add the baking soda, powder, salt, and one cup of the flour, stirring to combine, followed by the remaining cup of flour. The batter will be thick. Stir one cup of the crushed cookies into the batter.
4. Spread the batter into the prepared pan; top with the remaining crushed cookies. Bake for approx. 25-30 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out mostly clean and the top is golden and set. Allow the blondies to cool completely in the pan before cutting into squares (or um, if you can’t wait and eat them piping hot as hell, that’s okay, too). Store leftovers airtight for up to 2 days.
The oreos get unbelievably toasty and yummy in the oven–think of a toasted marshmallow and how awesome that tastes, but remember this is a cookie and that makes it even cooler. Also, you could totally top these with a scoop of vanilla bean ice cream and drizzle it with butterscotch sauce buuuuut that’s only a suggestion.
Thank you, Sally, for the awesome inspiration, and have a wonderful day everyone!! Email me about those punches…