Lemon Cheesecake Bars

I have a problem with certain food descriptors.

Obviously, being a food blogger, I have to use certain words to get my point across. If I didn’t, you would probably decide for yourself whether the picture was appealing enough to recreate it at home, but isn’t it a lot easier if I just told you how warm and perfect these muffins are, or how I really can’t stop thinking about these because of their soft, moist texture and because baked sea salt and sweet butterscotch is the world’s greatest marriage?

See?

But those aren’t bad. Anything describing something as simply “delicious” or “decadent” or “sweet and salty” or what-have-you is good in my book.

It’s the weird, freaky stuff that gets me a little sour.

Let’s just say, there’s a BBQ joint near my house that gives out free cups with a drink purchase and, on the back, they boast how good their BBQ is. And they use the freaky adjectives that make me irk and squirm and in turn, make me prey to my dad and brother who love saying them in gross, banjo voices to bother me.

I know what you’re thinking: jeez, this girl is over-dramatic. What are these so-called “freaky” words? I think she’s making this up. She is SO weird. I swear, this is the LAST time I’m reading her crap. And what the hell is a banjo voice? She is obviously deranged and on drugs.

But no! I’m not. And I’ll tell you what a banjo voice is.

A banjo voice can best be described as a gross, hick-ish voice that would sound most accurate out of a man with a straw hat, more than 50% of his teeth missing, wearing a tattered red & white checkered shirt, overalls with only one overall-hooked in, and with bare feet, tapping them, while playing a banjo. And his feet would be weird and smell like cheddar, and you know how I feel about that…

Also, if you’re getting really into this like I am, he would walk like Cheddar Alladin. What the eff is “Cheddar Alladin”? Well, that’s when people walk with their feet thrusting out to the sides like Alladin does in the Disney movie. Almost like a duckling, but cheddar-y since Alladin was barefoot.

OHMYGOD I just lost all my readers. I am so so so sorry. This is what happens when you give me free speech. Whack jobs like me take advantage of it and start tainting your innocent minds to absolutely, positively THE CRAZIEST STUFF EVER.

I know you just came here for a recipe and I’m sorry I ruined Alladin for you. I’ll just give you the Lemon Cheesecake Bars recipe after my condensed list of weird, gross food words that should never, ever be used. Ever. Because I will think of banjo man and start freaking out.

Please Never Say These Things Around Me

Finger-licking
Toe-tapping
Gut-busting
Lip-smacking
Tongue-wagging
Any body part noun-ing
Moist* if anyone has a better word for moist, let me know. It’s obviously necessary to describe that a cake is moist (because otherwise, I’m implying it’s crumbly and dry) but it kind of reminds me of a sponge with bacteria on it sooooo… I need a new moist-replacement word.

Okay, I promise to never, ever talk again.

Lemon Cheesecake Bars *inspired by this recipe from Quick Cooking

For “shortbread” crust:
1 box yellow cake mix
1/2 cup butter, melted
1 egg

For lemon cheesecake filling:
1 pkg (8 oz) cream cheese, softened slightly
1 can (7 oz) sweetened condensed milk
1 egg
3 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
Zest of one lemon

Powdered sugar

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Liberally grease a 13×9 inch baking pan with cooking spray and set aside.
2. In a large bowl, mix together the cake mix, melted butter and egg with a wooden spoon until blended; dough will be thick but on the wetter side. Spread 3/4 of the dough evenly into the bottom of the greased pan and bake for approx. 8 minutes while you prepare your filling.
3. For the filling, beat together the softened cream cheese, milk, egg, lemon juice and lemon zest with an electric mixer for approx. 1 minute or until blended and smooth. Pour the mixture into the par-baked crust. Sprinkle the additional dough on top of the filling mixture.
4. Bake for approx. 18-20 minutes or until the center is set. Allow to cool completely before cutting into squares. Store covered in the fridge for about 1-2 days. Sprinkle with powdered sugar before serving, if desired.

Pretty, pretty PLEASE still be my friend even though I am insane? I made you lemon bars and they’re not foot-stomping or tummy-tickling good or anything but they’re creamy and sweet and refreshing and I’m kind of obsessed with the faux-shortbread crust right now & I know you will be, too. ‘Cause we’re friends, and friends know sometimes the other friend can get crazy. Next time I’ll leave the Disney movies out of it, kay?

Forgive me?

Sure you do.

Have a wonderful Thursday!

xo, Hayley

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Comments

  1. Coffee is on the stove…These would be perfect to start my Thursday! Great recipe, amazingly beautiful lemon cheesecake bars! And, no worries here cuz I’m too old to know about Aladdin, so, I’m good. 🙂 But, please never go after The Mouse…for me? Please?

  2. OMG! I laughed out loud reading this post! Have you ever searched the word “moist” on thesaurus.com? Some NASTY words come up…. sweaty… oozy…slimy… pasty. Gross!! I think the best replacement word is DANK! “That cake was dank!” Sounds kinda like a pot-head but its WAY better than the others!!

    • Ewwwwwww oozy and slimy!! And pasty!?!?!? UGH. How gross! Yeah, “moist” is so weird and awkward. I wonder how it even got its start in describing food because I would NEVER describe food as “mm, this has a great texture and is very pasty.” Lol so weird!! Thanks for the laugh!

  3. LOL!!! Omg you are hillarious!!!!

    Those lemon bars look deelish, btw 😉 can’t wait to try these out!

  4. Banjo voice…kinda like the fake hologram dude at RC Willey? Totally hear you on that one. And these bars look positively lip-smacking. 😉

    • Hologram dude?! What is going on at RC Willey that I don’t know about?! I guess it’s my lame confession time where I tell you I’ve never been there, not even on free hot dog day 🙁 I am a lame person!!

  5. Hahahahaha! You crack me up! Also, “moist” has to be the grossest word ever. But NOT gross? These lemon cheesecake bars. They look so sunny and spring-like and refreshing after a cold, grey winter. I’m diggin’ ’em.

  6. these lemon cheesecake bars look and sound delicious!

  7. I hate the word “pure”, some people pronounce it like”pee-er”. Anyway, I’d like to add poppy seeds to this recipe, do you think it would be better to add them to the crust mix or to the filling? Thanks!

  8. Chris Dowdican says:

    would love to try this but how can i print ust the recipe without all the extra pages? i don’t have a lot of ink left and it’s not in the budget at this time. thanks

    • Hi Chris! When you go to print, your computer should pop up a print screen that can allow you to select the pages you’d just like to print–just scroll through all my chatter until the recipe part comes up, then print that selected page 🙂 sorry I don’t have an actual print option at this time!

  9. I make a recipe like this but add toasted almonds to the crust and sweetened coconut to the filliing..

  10. Hi there! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could locate a captcha
    plugin for my comment form? I’m using the same blog platform as
    yours and I’m having problems finding one? Thanks a lot!

  11. Just made these and they are awesome! I’m not a big lemon dessert person, but these were great. I used lemon cake mix since that’s what I had, same amount of lemon juice (no rind). And super easy to make! I will be making these again. Thanks!!

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