Basically, when I was born, I told myself I would start eating better, working out more, and making smarter exercise/food/lifestyle choices that were healthy.
And basically, I’ve stuck with it for like, all of a day or a week or a meal before I’d flunk out and say “screw it, pass the Samoas” or “running? Goodbye. Hellooooo, Real Housewives.” I figure the women do enough working out to spare me, too.
It’s stupid but, like many women, I’m in a vicious cycle of being mean to myself. It usually happens after the Devil–whose identity rhymes with ‘Sictoria’s Vecret’–sends me a catalog, I spend a couple minutes looking through it and seeing no bras, no panties and no teddies but rather, skinny thighs, toned arms and trimmed tummies.
Then I’ll get some sick desire to head on over to the mall, try on their bras and swim suits and find that they’re obviously defective since my thighs definitely don’t look as taut and lean in that two piece as they did on Allessandra.
So I’ll complain to the sales girl about Victoria’s Secret obvious plot to make women insecure because they see these women parading around white-sandy beaches wearing skimpy suits that scream “sex!” and why can’t I scream “sex!” because when I wear the samesuit as Candace, I do not scream “sex!” but rather “Casper!! Casper gone to the buffet!!”
It’s purely vicious, that’s what.
So then I’ll go home and be like “I’m eating healthy!! Where are my cucumber slices and water!?!” but I’ll realize I never eat cuke slices or drink water except at restaurants and I’ll binge on pizza later.
It’s soooo dumb.
And the gym? Helllllllll no.
There used to be a time and a place for the gym in my deep, dark soul. I used to carve out time in my day where I’d wear little running shoes and shorts, plug in my iPod and go running or fake skiing on the elliptical or what-have-you and leave sweaty and feeling enlightened.
But those days were short-lived since apparently, I don’t like feeling sweaty or enlightened. Being sweaty means I could potentially smell like soup and we all know that’s a tragedy and a disaster waiting to happen, and feeling enlightened is too much pressure.
When people feel enlightened, other people want to know how you’re going to use your sudden “aha!” moment to better society. And uh, I don’t plan on using anything but my burned calories for an extra slice of cake, ya hear? Soooo…
But then, last week, I got the flu. The aches, the chills, the sweats, the fever, you name it. I was forced to eat probably 3,000 calories the whole week. I know I’m truly sick when I am grossly unattracted to food. Especially Cajun food. I wanted to cry when I couldn’t finish my measly 1/2 cup serving of jambalaya.
However, there was a beaming light at the end of this tunnel. Not craving food = not eating food = losing weight inadvertently.
Proof’s there, homegirl. I went to the doctor for an unrelated issue near Valentine’s Day and a couple days ago, returned for my flu-ness. I had lost five pounds.
So if you’re struggling with yourself, feeling like the Victoria’s Secret models are betraying you and you can’t imagine getting back together with the gym or teaming up with Team Veggie Patty, it’s okay. Just go hang around a doctor’s office or have some sick kindergartner cough on you and catch yourself a stomach ailment.
Stomach Ailments: Nature’s Cure for Losing Weight.
*please do not take this advice seriously even though I did, marginally.*
And if you’re like “well, I make those VS models look like heffer poops” or you have confidence (yay!) or you’re hungry, then look no further: I made some Fluffernutter Fudge! And it’s terribly good.
1 pkg peanut butter chips
1 can vanilla frosting
1/4 cup peanut butter (I used creamy, but try crunchy if you’d like)
1/3 cup miniature marshmallows*
1. First, line an 8×8 inch pan with foil, extending the sides of the foil over the edges of the pan. Set it aside.
2. In a large, microwaveable bowl, melt the peanut butter chips for one minute. Stir, add a splash of oil, and zap for another 30 seconds or so until smooth and completely melted. Stir in the frosting and the peanut butter, stirring to combine completely.
3. Add in the marshmallows, then pour into the prepared pan. Smooth the fudge into an even layer using a greased rubber spatula or your hands. Allow to set for approx. 2 hours in the fridge before cutting into squares. Store this airtight for 2-3 days.
**Note: for this, I had every intention of using the new MallowBits which are teensy, bite-sized marshmallows–perfect for this recipe! I couldn’t find them, so I used mini mallows. If you really like marshmallows, use the mini ones. If you prefer a subtle mallow flavor, find the Bits and use about 1/2 cup-2/3 cup or so, depending on your tastes.**
Hope you have a great day!