Technically, I’m Irish.
I guess that kind of explains the hot temper, excessive cussing and my occasional violent attitude. Oh, and may have something to do with my new taste for tangerine wheat beer but who’s to say.
As a little kid, I remember bickering about heritage with fellow classmates as if it really mattered or warranted actual elementary-school “bickerage.”
There was one friend in particular I was always competing with. Isreal and Palestine, Elton and Madonna, and cats and dogs are all BFFs with each other compared to me and her. I’m not going to name names, but she was totally my best friend and mortal enemy at one time in elementary school.
One day, she showed up wearing a “training bra” and I remember thinking, I need a training bra now that she has one! But when I asked my mom if I could have a training bra, she laughed at my seven year old self and said no. So I wore swimsuit tops to school and insisted it was my new training bra just to prove to her I was just as awesome as she was.
We were also quite fond of J-14 magazine, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and The Spice Girls. I remember when she got a Spice Girls T-shirt, I looked high and low for one but couldn’t find anything better. However, I did have the entire MK&A Barbie collection that she stared at enviously whenever she’d come over for play dates.
That’s right, beyotch, I had everything Mary-Kate and Ashley. WhatchooknowaboutOlsenmania?! I’m even a fan club member and have the card to prove it!
Anyway. One day at school presumably after some history lesson in class, the kids discussed heritage on the playground. I don’t know why, but the “cool thing” to do was to list off every part of your heritage, as if the more you were, the cooler you were.
She proceeded to list off. “Oh yeah? Well I’m French, German, Indian, Italian, British, and Swedish. And Canadian.”
Damn, I thought. I can’t trump that. She may as well have told everyone her ancestors were trollops who slept with every freaking ethnicity around the world. How am I supposed to top that? More importantly, I must tell everyone I’m French because the French are awesome.
“That’s cool, but I’m mostly French. My mom is French,” I informed my playground pals.
*Note: that is not true. My mom has only visited France and thus is not French.
“And we’re German, French, British, Irish, Canadian, more French, Nordic, and some more French,” I finished.
I was hell-bent on lying about being French, dammit!
Later I realized no one cares about my heritage because, well, they’re worried about their own. Not mine. No one cares if I’m French or fake-French or from Mars. I don’t even care.
*Note: that is not true; I do care. And for the record, we are only marginally French. We are far more German than French, and even then, not immediately German. We are American. But to make me feel better, pretend I’m really French. You can call me ‘madamoiselle’ if you’d like. I mean, you must. S’il vous plait.
But in truth, I am Irish–just look at my red-headed, freckle-faced brother, father, uncles and grandma to prove it. Not that you really care. Though you should. And if you even say you’re French, well I’ll still out-French your ass.
I figured in order to make up to my oft-neglected Irish heritage, I would make some Irish-looking cupcakes and celebrate the only day I know Irish people celebrate best: St. Patrick’s Day.
Yeah, I am well-aware St. Patty’s Day is a month+ away, but let’s also pretend
Irish French people plan things months in advance and make it look chic. I mean, technically that’s not a lie–spring fashion shows are shown in Paris in November. They’re I’m ahead of the trend! It’s the chic Parisian thing to do!
Wanna make them? Of course you do.
24 cupcakes, baked and cooled (I chose chocolate, but use any flavor you like)
Vanilla Buttercream (recipe & ingredients below)
Golden yellow food coloring
1-2 bags green candy melts
24 large marshmallows
24 chocolate shortbread cookies (like those by Keebler)
24 yellow M&M’s or yellow Reese’s Pieces
Black food writer or frosting tube
1. Start by lining a baking sheet with foil and setting it aside. In a large microwave-safe bowl, melt the candy melts according to package directions until smooth.
2. Dip the chocolate-coated bottom of each cookie in the green candy melts and allow the excess to drip off. Place cookies coated-side-up on the baking sheet, working as quickly as possible.
3. Next, using a toothpick to stab the flat top of the marshmallow, dunk each mallow into the melted candy, ensuring the top, bottom and all sides are evenly coated. Allow excess to drip off, then, using a second toothpick, carefully place the mallow onto the coated cookies. Remove the toothpick and repeat the dunking process, placing the mallows on top of each coated cookie. While mallows are still slightly damp, place a yellow candy on the bottom side of a mallow for the gold buckle on a leprechaun’s hat. Place hats in the fridge to harden, about 20 mins.
4. Once hats are hardened, pipe or draw a line around the base of the marshmallow connecting to the buckle with a food writer or the black frosting tube (just use a small circular tip). Allow the black to set for a few minutes. Meanwhile, prepare your frosting.
2/3 cup butter, softened
1 tsp vanilla extract
2-3 Tbsp milk
About 3 cups powdered sugar
1. In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat together butter and vanilla until smooth and creamy, about 1 minute. Gradually begin adding powdered sugar, about one cup at a time, until frosting is light and fluffy. If the frosting is too paste-like or thick, add milk to thin it out.
2. Tint the frosting gold with the golden yellow food coloring. Pipe or spread frosting onto cooled cupcakes. Lastly, top with a leprechaun hat. Store these airtight for a day.
Have a wonderful day!