A few days ago, one of my fears almost became a reality.
I was almost (okay, not really) stuck in an elevator.
It was the scariest moment EVER, and it basically reconfirmed all my usual hatreds and grievances with those shafts of death (ha-ha) all over again.
Somewhere in my childhood I became scared with elevators. I’ve never been stuck in one and have never known anyone stuck in one, but the concept is purely frightening. I also became fearful of escalators ever since my mom told me she fell down one and cut her eye open.
Why can’t we just haul ass up stairs anymore? Technology is HURTING us, people!
I think my fear of elevators stems from the fact that I’m somewhat claustrophobic and I have IBS, which is inconvenient for you know, life–not to mention being trapped in a small metal box for hours or days or eternity.
So basically I avoid elevators whenever possible.
Except at work, we have one. And sometimes it’s really convenient to use it, especially when it’s busy and it’s my lunchtime and I would prefer sparing no unnecessary second separating me and eating time.
Well, here’s where my story gets a gruesome, scary ending (okay FINE, not really).
A couple nights ago I closed shop with about 10 other employees. We went in batches in the elevator to the ground floor where a manager would let us out.
Since I was working with one male and he obvs was ahead of schedule, he went to the elevator first and held it open for a round of girls to accompany him to the bottom floor.
One by one, a couple girls and I filed in and waited for more stragglers. While we were waiting, the elevator started screaming.
Like, WTF. It’s def. not supposed to do that.
It was like my life was flashing before my eyes, people.
And everyone laughed and I was thinking OMG WE ARE SO GONNA DIE AND I AM GONNA DIE FIRST AND EVERYONE WILL STARVE SO OBVIOUSLY THEY’LL GO CANNIBAL AND EAT ME FIRST AND I REALLY DON’T WANT THEM TO EAT ME BUT THEY WILL SINCE I SMELL GOOD AND STUFF, OMG.
My male coworker informed us the noise was probably due to the fact that he’d held the elevator’s doors open for too long and once the doors closed, it’d stop.
GUESS WHAT. It didn’t stop.
Well, eventually it did. But for a few seconds it continued the screams of impending doom and I started sweating and freaking out because I usually like to be prepared in case of situations like this one where I’d be trapped for a possible lifetime.
In this circumstance, I like to pack my purse with a water bottle and at least one granola bar should I end up dying in this elevator. While I’d really hope my last meal would be something scrumptious and decadent like crab and pasta and cheesecake, I suppose a Fiber One bar would work in its place since I can’t carry crab in my purse at all times.
But on THIS night I’d neglected to pack a water bottle so I would obviously die of thirst right away. And a few days prior to this life-or-death incident I was starved and ATE MY LIFESAVING GRANOLA BAR.
How could I sabotage myself like that?
It was awful.
When the ride of doom was finished, my coworkers laughed at my nervousness and asked why I was so freaked of elevators.
I told them being trapped is scary… what if you have to poop?
They laughed.. but probably from pity.
But the question remains, folks: WHAT IF YOU HAVE TO POOP.
Then they told me that the store’s other elevator (the customer one) was stopped a few days ago and the fire department came out.
I reminded myself to never, ever take the cursed elevators again.
And I went home and got sad because I thought this was it for me, so I made cookies to make myself feel better. Chocolate always makes people feel better.
These are Fudge Double-Mint Cookies because I needed all the life-saving chocolate and mint I could get.
1 box chocolate fudge cake mix (plain chocolate or devil’s food works too)
1/2 cup oil
1 & 1/2 cups mint M&M’s
1 & 1/2 cups dark chocolate & mint baking chips (they come in a bag together, sold on the baking aisle)
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease 2 cookie sheets with cooking spray, then blot excess spray with a paper towel. Set sheets aside.
2. In a large bowl, mix together the cake mix, eggs, and oil with a spoon until blended and a thick dough forms, ensuring the cake mix powder is fully combined. Stir in the M&M’s and the baking chips until combined.
3. Drop batter by the heaping Tablespoonfuls (or use your small cookie dough scoop) onto greased cookie sheets, about 2″ apart. Bake for approx. 10-12 minutes or until center is set. Let cool for about 5 mins on sheets before transferring to wire racks to finish cooling. Store airtight.
If you want these even mint-ier (yes please), add some chopped Andes creme de menthe candies or 1/2 tsp peppermint extract to the mix. However, the balance of mint and chocolate and crunch.. perf in my book.
I’ll probably start carrying these on my person all the time to ensure people eat them first rather than me.
Because that happens often, you know.
Have a great Friday!