There are two types of people in this world.
I know what you’re thinking–just two? Yes. Just two.
The people who walk with their arms swinging at their sides, and the people who walk with their arms flat like planks at their sides.
I don’t wanna call out any horizontal Frankenstein walkers, but… those people are weird.
How do they not move their arms when they walk? Isn’t moving your arms while walking natural and purely involuntary, like blinking and breathing? Do these people have some kind of genetic mutation which enables them from swinging their arms at their sides, forcing them to look like tense, upright corpses?
No, that’s not a good description, because even zombies move and flail their arms while they’re hunting for blood. These people are unnatural… so unnatural, they’re even more unnatural than a made-up mythical creature.
Now that’s just pathetic.
While pretending to do homework but really just day dreaming at school, I notice lots of this specie among campus. Each time, it sends a weird mixture of fear and confusion through me–how are these people walking like this without realizing their arms are so stiff? I am baffled.
Not surprisingly, I’m an arm-flail-er. I swing my arms like nobody’s business. I don’t even think I could keep my arms board-straight if I tried. It’s like when people challenge you to a blinking contest and you think, I’ve totally got this but really, once they say ‘Go’ you’re like crap, I suck at blinking contests. My body needs me to blink. Well, my body needs me to move my arms. It’s common sense. It’s BIOLOGY. It’s IN MY GENES.
Therefore, I’m lucky I’m perfect and have perfect genes that enable me to walk like a normal person. Or a zombie. Whatever.
Speaking of zombies (well, not really) Halloween is coming up. You know this because if you ever venture out of your home, you’ve seen stores stocking their shelves with Halloween candy and costumes and fake blood already.
Don’t be one of those whiners who complains Halloween’s a month away. We get it–really, we all are capable of remembering dates, thankyoouverymuch. We’re just excited, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Plus, people who get excited for Halloween over a month in advance are probably people who have perfect genetics and walk with their arms flailing… I’m hard-pressed to find a complaining arm-flail-er who makes annoying faces when someone mentions their excitement about Halloween coming up. The complaining probably comes from all of you straight-arm people–I’m onto you.
Plus, hello, I’m a food blogger. I gotta be ahead of the trends. So I’m making spiderweb cookies in September. What you gonna do about it?
The best part about these cookies is their ease.
No, I’m serious. They’re super simple. Hence why I called them ‘Simple Spider Cookies’. I don’t mess around here.
They start with a box of chocolate cake mix and are topped with melted white chocolate candy melts in a web pattern. Even if you’re artistically-challenged (hey, we all are at something), these webs are nearly foolproof and totes easy. Promise.
Simple Spiderweb Cookies
1 box chocolate cake mix
1/3 cup oil
1 tsp milk
Sugar, for dusting
1/3 bag white candy melts
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease two cookie sheets with cooking spray; blot excess spray with a paper towel. Set aside.
2. In a large bowl, combine cake mix, oil, eggs and milk and stir with a spoon until cake powder is absorbed and mixture forms a soft dough. Portion dough into small, 1″ balls and place about 1-2″ apart on your prepared baking sheets. Dip the bottom of a glass in sugar and gently press down onto cookies to slightly flatten. Bake, approximately 8-10 minutes, rotating pans halfway through baking time, until set; do not over-bake. Once fresh out of oven, flatten slightly if puffy with your glass. Cool on sheets about 5 mins, then transfer to wire racks to cool completely.
3. Prepare candy melts according to package directions but since using less than recommended amount, cut microwaving time in half, and continue to zap 15 secs at a time until candy is melted to ensure you don’t burn it. Pour melted candy into a piping bag attached with a small round tip (I used Atecco tip #6) or pour candy into a ziploc baggy, seal out the air, and snip off a corner of the baggy.
4. Draw a circle around the perimeter of each cooled cookie top. Then, inside of that circle, draw another circle, leaving a small border in between circles. Lastly, draw an even smaller circle in the exact middle of the cookie. It should look like a target. Using a toothpick (use 1 toothpick for every 3-4 cookies before switching out for a new one) draw lines from the center circle outward, dragging the pick through each of the lines, forming a point. Repeat around the entire “target” until it looks like a spiderweb. If desired, sprinkle jimmies or sugar onto webs now while candy is wet; otherwise, let set until candy hardens. Store airtight.
I think these would be awesome for Halloween party treat bags, or even mini gifts to teachers or coworkers since they’re so easy to make.
You could also switch it up and use orange candy melts instead of the white, or draw mini spiders in your webs with a different colored candy melt as well. Super cute!
Oh, and I also made (experimentally!) some cats, too:
After portioning out and gently flattening your dough, use your fingers to pinch together two small ears at the top of each dough ball. Use M&Ms or Reese’s Pieces to place small eyes in the center. With a fork, make indentations on the cheeks for “whiskers” and outline those with your candy melts after cooling. These are cute, but mine look a litttle sloppy for my taste, but it’d be awesome to make these cute with more time invested, of course
So if we’ve learned anything from this post, it’s #1: Please flail your arms while you walk but keep it natural looking; arm-flail-ers can tell when someone’s faking it; and #2: make these cookies since they’re so darn easy and you don’t have an excuse not to, unless you like being a loooosah.